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Rating system in use.  Please feel free to browse these quotes from the [Edit] page rather than normal viewing.  If there are quotes you feel are particularly good, prepend a star symbol to the start of them by typing Image:46 in the editor.  If there are quotes you feel are particularly bad, prepend a ~ symbol.  Those with several stars will at some point be collected to form a Best Of.  Those with several ~s may at some point be removed.  Please don't cancel the symbols out: something with "Image: 46 ~~ Image: 46" is more informative than if it had no markings.


matthew f (NOT alan): What? Didn't you know there were cows in King's College Chapel?

matthew f: I don't think national speed limits should be converted into gigaelectronvolts per kilogram.

~ peter: What's so abstract about saying cow-pats??

kenton: Cilla Black!? Definitely in the same category as picking your nose!

lawrence: I almost wish I had been a trick-or-treater, now

alex: I think Peter's perfectly happy sitting there dressed as a Soviet soldier, irrespective of whether anyone *else* sees him...


mike: The shadow of the cat looks like a giant flopping tadpole
- alex [giggling]: Quote...
- morag: It's not that funny really. Although maybe that's because I'm hearing it in context and it really does look exactly like a giant flopping tadpole

morag: Maybe you have a humanityectomy when you become a boss

morag to alex: You should have a proper dinner party! With popcorn and candy floss! Mmmm...

Tue29.10.02 (Purple Fluffday to Angela...)

matthew f: Once the Computing Service told me off for checking my website hits on [a university-provided server] several hundred times a second, which was an accident

~alex: Mike with a white fluffy beard! Where's my camera?
- susan: Is that quotable?
- alex: No, of course not! It seems like a perfectly normal reaction to seeing Mike with a white fluffy beard, to me

mike: Alan, put Nokky down; you two are a menace!

mike: Now I've got hilbert on the brain; that's not a cow that's alex's computer

alan: It's best not to ask questions about vegetables, it's much safer.

alan: But marmalade's not really a vegetable!

[Caption to photo 1 or 2] angela: i didn't think it was anything at first, I thought it was just your hair.

susan: Mike, are you a fish?
- mike: No... should I be?

susan: We're going to lose [this board game], aren't we? [against tom]
- sally: No, we're more purple than he is

angela: It doen't bother me what Saddam Hussein does. Well... his table manners don't bother me, anyway...

jill: It obviously wasn't a very powerful power cut

Image: 46 mike: For some reason, people always look dubious when I deny that I intended to make a pun


alex: I remember lots of weird things Nick's said, but that doesn't mean I remember them

alex: He's got that supermarket presenter's cheesy grin! ... ...[puzzled look creeps across his face as he wonders what he just said]

Image: 46 mike: Oh, I'm so glad my whole room is bolted to the wall

mike: She also has the handicap of having random vegetables flying past her head

mike: It [mike's conversation] is mostly random background noise, with occasional flashes of meaning.

alex: What's funny is that Mike hasn't heard of the Tokyo Tower's decorative feet

anime character: If I can't destroy you, I'll absorb you!
- mike: The cry of the Alan!

dave: Well, if you can't nuke someone in subspace, where can you nuke them?

dave to animé character: And stop using mobile phones in the middle of the 1970s!

stuart: I am thoroughly ashamed that I have no fluffy purple animals that I could throw at Angela and thus I will purchase one tomorrow (Chemistry practical allowing)
- mike: I've never met a chemistry practical that would ban anyone from purchasing a fluffy purple animal either

mike [musing on the way words are said in cold blood]: Why can't words ever be said in hot chocolate? It'd make the world a much nicer place...

mike: Is it my imagination, or has Nokky started developing a personality in parallel with the cows?
- alex: [pause] "Quote!" [another pause] And... "what?"

mike: So Nokky's not advanced very far in his studies of the Greek language, then?
- alex: Well, if he has, he isn't letting me know about it...

zoë: Cows are merely domesticated animals.  Sheep are a picture of Jesus and the Church.

zoë: See, you can barely hear me typing.
- alan: That's because you're not typing...

alex: Don't try to license teddy bears as Razor-Toothed Wild Animals for kill purposes


mike: I think we should save the daylight in the summer, using solar cells, and then use it in the winter

rob: Mike's going to blackmail me if he doesn't get to mend my bike

alex: It's the return of the warthog!
- alex, chris, yves and nadège: Dum dum DUUUUUM!

Image: 46 alex: You could choose to sacrifice your own creature and have it deal 5 damage to you
- yves: Yes, I could. Strategically, not a very good option....

chris: It has to be done
- yves: But that's no excuse..

philippe: The interesting thing about being baptised is, they go into the water, but they come back up again


morag: I don't have a problem with mice, I just have a problem with them jumping out of my bin

jill: Let's not be sizeist here: it's a plastic bag...

~nathaniel: It wasn't exactly an accident, but it was certainly strange...

jill: My bike's not in the land of the living. It's in a bizarre state of purgatory known as my parent's garage...


mike: So how would you tell if a sheep had a sense of humour?
- ben: Tell it a joke and see if it laughs.
- mike: Oh, yes...


~andrew to his wife zuza: I got you some Viennese biscuits and some cigarettes... yes, I'm trying to get you fat and kill you

elaine: They're starting Mum's & Toddlers at City Church, aren't they?
- steph: Yes - next week.
- steve: Peter, it's you, isn't it?

~alan: A woodpecker might want to put a keyboard in a tree... then he could have  home internet access... - or are you discriminating against net-enabled woodpeckers?
- mike: *patient, have-to-get-this-over-with voice* No, Alan, I'm not discriminating against woodpeckers with a net connection.


alex re coleslaw and vitamin C: They're secretly sneaking some in. The stealth Vitamin C brigade.

lorna: What's your surname?
- emily: Clarke, C-L-A-R-K-E. But it's spelled without the E...

serge to nagi: If you lost weight, you'd be one of those...
- alex: Evil thin guys!

matthew b: Sometimes I just sit in my chair at home, [makes reading-a-book motion with left hand] reading a book with one hand, and... [making whipping motions with right hand]

matthew f: I'm talking to Alan with the other ear

brad: We should choose a small number of targets - a small and *finite* number of targets...


chris to douglas: You might do better to make the ultimate sacrifice, and turn yourself into lots of little food pellets

alex: Abi, how would you feel about having all traces of you removed by a soup-wide accident?
- chris: Like some salt...

Image: 46 chris to louise: Can I ask a question as to why it's your stomach that's thinking "E=mc^2"?

alex: I'm sensing the... way the wind is blowing.
- chris [incredulously]: You're in some soup!!!

Image: 46 douglas: Rather than a serial killer, you go round being pedantic.
- chris: Rather than eating cornflakes...

stuart: My ability to eat myself is probably not that useful

alex: I will not be utterly decadent and just scoop up goo and eat it
[Note: the context to this is *not* the Primordial Soup Amoeba game, which gave rise to five of the quotes above; the context to this is instead Robinson College Canteen...]

alan: Don't you find the letter s is so profound?


mike: Is that your tickle shield?
- rob [clutching waterproof coat]: Yes... it's my tickle shield... I fear it's not very effective though.  It has some vulnerabilities..
- mike: Spot the compsci...

mike re rob's waterproof: Rob's mac - of the cagoule kind, not the computery kind
- rob: There are some things you don't know about my coat...

rob: Disembodied Lucy...! *giggle*
- alan: So is Lucy actually disembodied? Or was he referring to a hypothetical Lucy?  And if Lucy is disembodied, what is the Lucy now?

Sun20.10.02 (SPEAK, Jo, to confuse Angela)

nagi: It's the tracksuit bottoms and t-shirt that stop me being naked, not the WinMX? window

Image: 46 Image: 46 angela: Whoops. I just dragged 2008 into 2009.

angela: There was this guy called David, and this guy called Dan, who I get confused because they've both got hair

random stranger in coffeeshop to alex: Excuse me. Do you believe in the square root of twelve?
- alex: Ummm... ah... well, I believe it exists...
- stranger: Do you know what it is?

peter: You'd think that out of a church of 300 people, *someone* would be going to Bristol

Sat19.10.02 (Endless Draft at Rob's house)

chris: I take it Angela's shoes aren't quotable?

angela: Stuart, what's your first name?
[Giggle!  ...But there's also a funny response...]
- stuart: Unfortunately, it's Iain...
[This is both true and entertaining... but the response was also bizarre:]
- angela: Why is it Iain?

Image: 46 Image: 46 (and [D] Sally) chris: I'll be in trouble from Sally.
- angela: What happens if you get in trouble from Sally?
- chris: Well, she... looks... cutely... at you.
- angela: Hmm, I'm going to have to try this

angela: Awww, I can't even make a quote without being quoted
- alex: Quote!
- angela: See?

alex: Obviously the knife doesn't want me infiltrating too much orange juice into your fridge

dave: What I love is for animé characters, the size their contact lenses must be

peter: The concept of somebody wandering up to a genetically modified hamster and stealing its wallet is...
- alex: Quotable?


alan: Does that mean minerals near Jesus College are Jesuits?

rob: I kill Mike frequently

Image: 46 rob: Please don't make any more trigonometrical puns, cos it's sinful
[If there was an image representing "the quotes Alex considers the most awful, painful puns", this would have got one... but there isn't, so Rob can have a star instead :)]

Image: 46 mike [pointing at the house computer]: That is quite blatantly not a pizzeria, Alan.  I think you're very confused.

zoë: But you're weird even compared to Cambridge students.
- alan: But other Cambridge students don't talk to cows...
[Alan seems to think this makes him *less* weird in comparison!]

alan re zoë: Can we just get her some "mmm" earplugs?

~ alan: You haven't learnt "mmm" yet, you'll have to practice

alan: You mean that plaster doesn't come out of the tap?  Nor china?

alan: For that reason, maybe I ought to buy [my PhD supervisor] a large vegetable for Christmas.

richard a: What's the problem with a computer having 2^8 serial ports?
- alex: Mwahaha! I shall rule the world from my serial ports!
- tish: Serial megalomania...

brad [re what automotive corporation owns Pi Electronics]: Pi are Ford?
- alex: No, Pi are squared...

dave m: Let me tell you what's going on in the rest of the world... or in the rest of the building, anyway


alex: Either the walls or the neighbours are either thick or nice
[Explaining why nobody complained about the noise...]

morag: Ohh, sneezing while holding a full cafetière is such a bad idea!

morag: Maria, you're still connected to Cambridge by a variety of weird ties that you'd long since forgotten about


alex: Serge officially has the snazziest pants.

angela: I made no reference to what I was referring to
Image: 46 [- serge: That sounds suspiciously like one of the bugs I fixed today]

alex: Who stole Ed's Pants?
- morag: We don't do thinking.
- angela: I did...
[She refuses to confirm which statement hers was a response to!]

stuart: I think I shall play conventionally, because I'm feeling strange today

serge: If apples aren't a [chess] piece, they ought to be...

lucy: Why should men have a monopoly on evil?
[On the topic of should theologians refer to Satan as "she"... ;-) ]

mike to rob: I was going "hmm" to your imaginary voice.
- [...]
- mike: So does your imaginary voice often talk to Nokky?


mike: Just because they send email from your account doesn't mean they're the cows that are pictured in your calendar

liz: It'll be Alan, Mike or Josh, or some combination thereof

Image: 46 Image: 46 alex [on seeing kidney beans]: Nyawgh!
- mike: Do you always make a motorbike-revving sound when you see kidney beans?
- alex: Only when I'm feeling... [tries to think of a funny comeback]... particularly... ... ...[fails]... revved... up.
- [...]
- alex [on seeing tomato purée]: 'Mato purée! [Then, to the tune of "Oh my darling Clementine"] 'Mato pu-rée, 'mato pu-rée, 'mato purée... ...um ... clementine...
- mike: I see... you make a rev ving sound when you see kidney beans, and you sing a silly song when you see tomato purée...
- [...]
- alex [on seeing cheese]: Nyawwrgh!
- mike: You've got it wrong. That's your kidney beans noise, not your cheese noise.
- alex [vehemently]: Cheese noise! Cheese noise!
- mike to alex: That's not original. Going "cheese noise" for your cheese noise isn't original.
- alex: Have you ever heard anyone *else* do it??

Image: 46 mike: It's possibly not a good plan... to randomly go round eating everything...


Image: 46 alex: Let's see if my bread is as immortal as it was last time

Image: 46 jeremy: I don't have anything funny or witty to say. Have some plates.

milan: These cloth are migrating around underneath me and I can't see them

Image: 46 stephen: Welcome to the Walt Disney's Jungle Book State Penitentiary

toby: It's possible to get *too* excited about Greek phonemes

nathan to alex: What subject did you do?
- alex: Maths...
- josie: You can tell from the hair

josie: I will not be fit for any human interaction except going over to my friend Becky's and hugging her furry cushion


bobacus: I should buy a Mr Flibble puppet... "You've been abusing the network. Mr Flibble's very angry!"

alan: I don't eat zoo animals... I talk to them.. belly's the one that eats them!

ben: Rhinos don't compress as well as other files

rob to mike: [Your hair] sometimes look curled up in a dead-protein-like way

angela: "I'm not a phone, I'm not legitimate, I'm not even a computer - I'm a sponge!"

alex: Angela can make coconut sounds with her mouth

stephen: You're not Angela! You're an imposter!
- angela: You're right, I'm not! I'd better go!

alex to mike: I'm assuming that just because you've got one glove on a hand, that won't stop you from trying to put another one on it

alex: It's me speaking in capital letters, accidentally upside-down.
[Explaining how Alex could say "WE" meaning to say "ME"... W is M upside-down!]

alex: Oh, I forgot to loot myself.

mike: Let's get this straight - you just came out of a library with a green, a blue, an orange and a purple sheep? Which library?
- angela: Criminology!
[...] - mike to peter t [accusingly]: You forgot the purple sheep!

alex: If I get pecked to death by a thrush, I'll be irritated.
[Well, duh...]

Image: 46 alex: The people who live in three [spatial] dimensions, from which group I'm temporarily discounting myself...

alex: I'm sure that if we lived in five dimensions, we'd think there was something special about 5.

mike: The bread is mainly bread, this is why it's called bread...

Image: 46 mike to alex: I was wondering why you felt the need to feel my sock, as if to check it were real

Fri11.10.02 [Jo's birthday housewarming party]

ashleigh: I wasn't there when we officially got married

jack: I have "Probability + Measure" [lecture in the morning]. Do you think having a hangover will make me understand it *less*?

jenny c: I'm a 26p tin of Tesco's baked beans

[misheard by justin] person: Justin, you're a lightsabre
[Actually: "You're a lifesaver"]

marissa: You want to throw oil at my father over the Atlantic Ocean? How sweet!

Image: 46 angela: ...rather than talking about gravity and power and other things that only exist in yellow and green...

angela: "Daily Bread" is a good name for a shop. It's better than "Our Trespasses", anyway..
Is this a referrence to a real shop?  Because there is one in Northampton... does loads of fair trade stuff, has done for the past 25 years or more.  --FR
(PeterTaylor) There's one in or near Cambridge too.

susan to alex, complaining: You're not an aerial!

susan to alex: Ah, can I get you to come and stare at our upstairs phone?

matthew: That was a very strange noise you made
- alex: Ah yes, that was probably due to being in Robinson
[It was!!  *innocentlook*]

serge: This would rather remove the debate, since everyone left would agree, not reply or both

~ mike: I suggest we not stereotype anyone but Evangelicals


Image: 46 josh: The inhabitants [of mike's house] aren't normal either
- alan: Nor are the human ones...

angela: Haha, I sound dead impressive even if I'm speaking rubbish...

alex [scared]: Whoa, I'm engaged to a theologian!
- angela: Aww, it's OK, I'm a criminologist now...

angela: I don't find you pretending to be a mobile phone is at all attractive.

~elaine: They've got a child, or something, haven't they?
- [...]
- Well, when you have a child, you do sometimes wonder *what* they are...

hazel: Just fill up a water pistol with the Holy Spirit, it'll be fine!

kenton: I did have a sheet, but I spilled coffee on it... and then lost it...

elaine: You don't like to pounce on people too much, do you... *No*, Kenton, you *don't*...

Image: 46 peter: Maybe this implies I ought to change my sleeping habits a bit, just to get in sync with the time zone of the country I'm living in

nokky: After all, isn't a friend just someone who has too much blackmail information on you to be an enemy?


morag: I would cry "Quote!", but I won't... for fear of sounding like Mike...

alex: It's worrying the way Nagi nods his head and squeaks...

dave: I must admit, I'd spent the entire afternoon thinking myself into the mindset of "I am the most superior, arrogant b******d in the entire world"!

nagi: Is this yours, Serge?
- serge: Yes, I think it is...
- nagi: Yeah, I thought it might be: one) it's made of black suede, and two) it's got cat hairs all over it

~ dave: The sudden realisation that you're standing in a building entirely made out of paper... "Aaagghhh!!"

~ morag: Maybe genes go on holiday over the summer, or something

alan: I will try sailing my TV screen tonight and see what happens

~ alan: I wonder what would happen if one varnished bellies.. it would make them more weather resistant I guess!

~ alan: Running cars on food-preparation materials is heretical as far as belly is concerned
- [...]
- alan: Belly rejects the idea that he is a cult. Belly just has a gift for food consumption.


alex: I lose my chicken!
- [applause from everyone around the table]

jill: Beethoven is obviously distinguished, but who ever said "I want to give Beethoven a cuddle?"

alex: I've never seen shotguns getting married, so I don't know how long it takes.

Image: 46 stuart: I have a monster in hand but it's a potted plant.

tom: Does anyone have two hands free and want a huge rock?

abi [playing a role-playing card game]: I'm in a permanent state of confusion.
- alex: This is not due to a card, I ought to clarify...

abi: It's this constant stream of consciousness, except it's Sally's consciousness, so it's that much funnier...

sally: I brought back half a punt pole I found in the river!

~ chris: I'm changing sex!!

sally: Where are you from?
- david: Cornwall!
- sally: That's not a Cambridge college!

alan: I think it is VERY interesting to speculate about the relationship between the Great Nokky of Quotedom and the fuzzy haired Alexcreature...

mike: Alan, you're getting Alex and Nokky muddled up again. It's quite simple. Alex is the tall one with the hair, Nokky is the short one with the screen.

Image: 46 angela: There are some things that might excite me greatly - like Psychopathy and Violent Offending

jenny: The only times he was in a pub was when he was working

alan: Cows are very good at calculating pseudo-parabolic paths and resent the idea of themselves 'randomly falling'

susan: So nerr, I'm more confused than you are!

alan: I was about to say I think Nokky should give Alex a neural net.
- susan: Then Nokky might turn into a beautiful woman, which Angela wouldn't like
[nokky: While Nokky wouldn't be entirely averse to the concept, he might prefer to retain his telephonic form. It's not so easy to type quotes into a beautiful woman.]

mike to alan: So you weren't indicating you'd forgotten your head then?

susan: It may be that me and Anne and people decide to have a quiet evening in

Mon7.10.02 [Mike's vocal cords are even more hatstand than normal]

dave: I turn the lights on, and Alex turns round and bumps into a tree
[AlexChurchill: I'm afraid I did... *shamefaced*]

alex: I can certainly conceive of a fish who's also a knight

dave: As long as I've killed enough people, I'll be all right

dave: Why are the Three Bears ... all wearing bear suits?

mike to dave: I'm still a human being, so you've confused me

mike: I think she has a rat-shaped gap in her smell sensors
[The context is likely very obvious... it shall not be repeated here]

alex: If there's carrots involved, there's need for haste

alex: It's a black hole!
- dave: No, it's a hole that's black. It's not necessarily a black hole.

~ mike: The sinister Dolby Digital strikes again

Image: 46 [misheard by alex] dave to alex re mike: You're close to a mutant Hitomi
[Actually: You're close to him, you can hit him]

Image: 46 alex to mike [thru gritted teeth]: I thought that was going to be a different pun. A good one.

~ mike: Are you trying to say that popular books can't have obstreperous Greenfinches and goats in them?

Image: 46 mike: I didn't think "That's a strange aubergine". I knew right away it was a cycle helmet.

mike: I didn't know quotes could get on the train!
- [alex stares at mike for several long moments, before deciding to quote him]
- mike [bashing his head on his knee]:  Nokky is the quote train... Nokky is the quote train...

alex [pointing at a computer screen]: Levorotatory bebeerine!! Magnificent...!
[See Google: levorotatory bebeerine for all you need to know...]

mike: There must be a Dictionary of Silly Words somewhere, so you don't have to waste your time going through all the words everybody uses

alex: I shall set myself a reminder: "Harass Susan lunchtime"

alex: I got the vague impression you had a cat coming on the train from Edinburgh to see you

alex: Ooh! That joke's very good. I mean, I was laughing at it before I got it... and screaming at it after I got it...


milan: Just take the bath principle, extend it quite a bit... round the world... and you get the sea

angela: I'm not sure this yoghurt obeys the normal laws of physics. It's a quantum yoghurt.
- milan: It doesn't obey classical yoghurt mechanics any more...

angela: Being that he's a professor, they doesn't retire, they just expire... but he hasn't reached his expiry date...

josie: I'm quite *capable* of calling someone a deranged hamster... Whether I actually did, I have no idea!

josie: I was walking past and this doughnut just... stuck to my hand! Oh, no, I can't get it off! Oh, well, it's been all over my hands now, I wouldn't want anyone else to get my germs...


~ mike: What my dad used to hold the brake blocks together is a third hand

alan: So you talked to the hand cleaner then?
- zoë: It talked to me! ... It's sensitive hand cleaner!

mike to rob and alan: He [Nagi] is Nagi. I'm not.
- [long pause]
- mike [alarmed]: Please don't look so surprised!

angela: If you didn't like blackcurrant, you'd be doomed... but if you didn't like apple, you'd really be doomed!

angela: Oh no, you haven't put your stilettoes on under your socks again have you?
[I always have that problem... not that she was talking to me...]

mike: Yes, we want a sink by the door so we can park our bikes in it!

~ mike: Don't worry, Angela, the stainless steel rat didn't really go to hell

alex: Only sometimes is there one more weekend than there is...

~ alex: We're trying to avoid having to hoover saucepans.

Image: 46 alex: I'm trying to demonstrate that that bloke's nose is a coffee pot
- nagi: I would say "that's a quote", but it's absolutely true...

nagi: Wow, I found a reason for why I'm confused!

~ nagi: Randomly giggling monkey?! That's the most disturbing thing I've heard in my life!

Image: 46 nagi: Too right!
- dave: Three left...
- nagi: Hehehe. Ohhhh, I'm so hung over I found that funny...

alex: OK, who's going to be Serge's next victim?
- rob: I will... um...

mike: Nagi, please stop molesting my mobile phone
- nagi: I'm not molesting your mobile phone, I'm molesting your leg

~ angela: Alan, does your head feel like it's been accessed by any large farmyard animals?

dave: Without all the human beings, the Tube would be a wonderful metro system


lucy: It can't be a proper C of E church if it doesn't have stained glass windows!

james l: I don't like the use of small furry animals used as verbs...

angela to serge: Can you put me back on the edge of the toilet bowl?

angela: Nagi, who are your neighbours?
- alan: The people who live next door...

chris: The real problem with free-range cows is collecting the eggs in the morning


bhavin: I work for a software company that goes into other companies and takes over their IT departments
- alex: Isn't that usually known as a virus?

alan: Alex is just a human-interactable version of Nokky

alan: Hubert, Cuthbert and Ambrose [cows outside Alan's office... don't ask] seem to think I'm normal enough... as does the Swiss-national-anthem-playing teddy bear...


Image: 46 morag: That would've been so cool - we would have had Yoda giving our wedding speech!

nagi to alex: That's it - we're in matrimony, dude!

nagi: Why is that mould jiggling like that?! I'm glad it's wearing pants...

alex: I took the [High School Stereotype test] - I came out as "geek". I took it again, trying to avoid the geeky answers...  and I still came out as "geek"...

mike: Evil villains aren't allowed to eat random hot dogs

nagi: Any particular alien? I was thinking of the alien alien
- matthew b: Yeah, I was thinking of the alien alien...

alex: Cats are not known for taking hints

alan: I wonder if the 6-7 year olds at my primary school do in fact eat turquoise cheese


peter t: I think I went to all of Head's lectures, that year, since 1800

peter t: Are there a finite number of Mills and Boon??

~ angela: I thought, "Oh dear: he's starting with 'Wah!' - it must be bad. Even the psalmists didn't start with 'Wah'."

Image: 46 angela: Hydrogen atoms are cool. I recommend them. Better than pasta any day.

alan: I'm a female pharisaic mouse with a large appetite and bovine tendencies with a dislike of grimy pink cardboard folders.
[Whether this makes it less worrying or more is debatable, but Alan was summarising what he'd learnt about himself over the past week]

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