Why waste your time eating chocolate brownies when you can be locked in a shed?
Age 8
(To Pepsi) You are the second cutest kitty in the whole wide world! Yes you are! In fact... you're the loveliest kitty in the UNIVERSE!
Zoe: Are you playing with my toys? Bethany: I'm playing with my toys as well!
Cookies are what pirates can have when they're dehydrated. But you've got to prove you're dehydrated.
I've invented a new water activity: getting wet!
Age 6
Tango approaches Zoe's dinner Mummy: No, Tango... I know there's lots of exciting things on there... Bethany: Like Zoe! She's made of meat!
I'm six and a quarter! I'm not a child!
Which is the safest, drowning, burning or falling?
Age 5
Mummy: You're a sweetie-pie. Bethany: So are you. But you'd be a lot sweeter if I didn't have to go to school.
Mummy: Do you want a hair-clip to keep your fringe out of your face? Bethany: My friends?
Bethany: I'm doing meringue poo. Daddy: What's meringue poo? Bethany: It's poo ... that's meringue. Daddy: OK, what do you mean by meringue? Bethany: It's a colour. Meringue. Daddy: Oh! Maroon?
Mummy: If you can stand to have face paint put on, you can stand to have it wiped off. Bethany: But I sat down to have it put on.
To an adult dressed as a zombie on Halloween I was really into zombies when I was in Reception.
Mummy, I can't wait till you're a hundred years old.
Wow, February 2015. That's a really long time ago in February. Maybe in the 1940s.
Zoe: Bethany, that singing is annoying my talking! Bethany: Well, your talking is annoying my singing. Zoe: Your singing is making my talking worse. Bethany: OK, how about, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and Thursday after lunch, I can do singing, and on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and the rest of Thursday, you can do talking.
Age 4 1/2
Mummy, Daddy, if I lick this lolly forever, then it will be finished by the time I've stopped.
Daddy: How was school? Bethany: Well... I was a bit naughty. Daddy: That's a pity. I'm sorry to hear that. Bethany: Oh, it wasn't your fault. It was [Teacher]'s fault.
She's wrapped in a hair fountain.
Maybe Pepsi has magicked an echo to the sky.
I can't feel any wet bitches. [Confusion between "wet bits" and "wet patches"]
(Playing with toys) Oh no, Nemo, my head's come off. I guess I'll have to be called Dory Without A Head.
This cat's called Beauty, and this squirrel's called Squirrel.
(Zoe is being difficult) Mummy: Argh! Exhausting child! Bethany: I'm not an exhausting child! Mummy: No, you're not, you're being very good. Thank you. Bethany: What does exhausting mean?
I'm trying to make a campfire with my bottom!
All sentences start with "I want my."
Age 4
Pepsi is Tango's mummy, and Zoe is Pepsi's mummy, and I'm Zoe's mummy, and you're my mummy.
Daddy, is God inside God?... Is God inside Jesus?... Is Jesus inside Jesus?
I like having blood!
Bethany: Is it okay if I climb over the back into my seat? Alex: Yes. Gran: What would you have done if Daddy had said no? Bethany: I would keep on doing it.
Did you know you can make snot out of suncream and suncream out of snot?
Oh, the rain's woken up! When it's falling, it's awake, and when it's in cloud-beds, it's asleep.
Bethany: Daddy? DaddY?: Yes? Bethany: I didn't say "Daddy" as in I wanted to ask you something, I said "Daddy" as in I'm pumping banana into your ear.
Judith, do you have a pet phoenix?
Bethany (repeatedly): Eye, tie, tie, copy, boov! Rachael: What is that? Is it from a book or something? Bethany: It's from a book called Bethany Doesn't Like Sharing.
Bethany (watching fireworks): Wow! ... Oh my gosh! ... Oh my God! Alex: I'd rather you didn't say "Oh my God." Maybe you could say "Oh my goodness." Bethany: Okay. (another firework) Bethany: Oh, for goodness' sake!
Do anchovies eat people?
Gran: I wonder how many teeth cats have. Bethany: Cats don't have teeth!
Alex (after Bethany interrupts): Everyone takes it in turns to talk, that's how it works in a family. Bethany: I don't want that to be the rule in our family.
(Bethany is having a bit of a tantrum) Bethany: It's too noisy in here! I'm leaving! (does so)
Well, it solved the problem as stated...
Mummy, if it was your fourth birthday, and you didn't have enough time to get dressed, you would have to go out in your pyjamas, and it would skip straight to your seventh birthday!
Age 3 1/2
I tell Stripy Cat to ice-skate in my room. Stripy Cat skates on hairclip ice skates.
Bethany: I think Rachael is a silly word. Rachael: Oh. Thanks. What do you think I should be called instead? Bethany: [Blokus]. ... No, Blok-oss.
Eurgh! The bath tastes of carpet-flavoured bee water!
Was I a girl baby or a boy baby?
Gran: How old will you be on your birthday? Bethany: I haven't decided yet.
Rachael: Where will you fly the helicopter to? Bethany: To Africa! But if I can't get there I will fly it to the shops.
Wipe your bottom first, Bethany! Okay, toilet.
Alex: Some people in England are very good at speaking French. Bethany: Like me. And Grandad Bill. note for those outside the family: both her claims are roughly equally untrue
Rachael: Are you a flamingo standing on one leg? Bethany: I'm a badger standing on one leg.
Granny, what do you do in your house with Grandad all day?
Zoe is crying. Bethany starts licking Zoe's hand. Alex: Ugh, don't do that... Zoe stops crying. Alex: On the other hand, if it cheers her up... Bethany dutifully begins licking Zoe's other hand.
When Zoe is a grown-up, I will say to her, "Zoe?" And she will say "Yes, Bethany?" And I will say "When you were a baby, I wanted you to hold the bottom bannister and me to hold the top bannister."
Naughty Pepsi, that's Zoe's drink, and Zoe's sleeping. You're allowed to drink drinks while Zoe's sleeping, apart from not people's drinks, and Zoe is a person.
Look how high up I am! I'm as high up as a kangaroo can jump.
Peppa's pretending to be a boy, and Chloe's real-ing to be a girl.
Ellie falls off the space hopper and cries Ellie, can I have a turn on the space hopper while you hurt yourself?
Bethany: Can we go to the park in the car? Rachael: I don't know... I'm tired... Bethany: You could have a sleep in the car. Rachael: That would be lovely! Who would drive the car? Bethany: You would drive it in your sleep.
Age 3
Isaac: These cars are Hot Wheels! Bethany: These cars have cold wheels.
Rachael: Was it fun playing that game, Jenga? Bethany: Yeah! Rachael: What do you have to do? Bethany: Daddy pull a block out and it fall down.
Alex: (filling in a form) Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms, and "Mstr". Is that short for Master? Bethany: Monster.
Daddy blow some strawberries onto my tummy!
Pepsi's fur came off. Soon Pepsi will sit down on the grass and I will stick her fur back on. I will do it with blutack.
Rachael, to Alex: If you say a number she'll say a different number, and if you say a colour she'll say a different colour. Bethany: If you say a shape she'll say a different shape.
Mummy eat me! I taste of chocolate.
Chris is Sylvia's childminder. (Chris and Sylvia are a couple in their 70s. Bethany used to say Chris was Sylvia's daddy, and has just figured out that's not correct, so this is her next guess.)
Bethany: Fox and box rhyme with cat. - Rachael: Fox and box rhyme with each other... they don't rhyme with cat. - Bethany: ...A tiny tiny little cat is called a... gox. Fox and box rhyme with that.
Bethany: Don't know what toilet paper it means. - Rachael: Toilet paper? You don't know what toilet paper means? - Bethany: Not toilet paper. "Toilet paper it". - Rachael: Oh. Um, I don't know what "toilet paper it" means. - Bethany: I think it is a kind of snow deer. With pointy ears. And lots of spikes. Looooots of spikes! One hundred spikes.
Bethany: Where's Daddy? Rachael: He's changing Zoe. Bethany: Changing Zoe's nappy. Not just changing Zoe.
And on a very similar note... Bethany: Where's Daddy? Rachael: On his computer. Bethany: Not on his computer. Next to his computer.
Tango is Pepsi's daddy, and Pepsi is Tango's mummy.
In the morning Would you like a bath, Pepsi? You have a pretend bath. Let's pretend the sun is the moon.
Playing with a toy hippo in the car Bethany: What do hippos eat? Rachael: Plants, I think. Bethany: Artichoke is a plant. I will feed him artichokes. ... My hippo is in the park. Rachael: Oh, what's he playing on in the park? Bethany: He's doing a wee in the bushes at the moment.
I'm giving Tango a cuddle around all the parts of him!
Some of my baubles are made of plastic, and some of them are made of glitter, and some of them are made of soft.
Bethany: Zoe doesn't hang on the Christmas tree. Rachael: That's right. Bethany: Because she doesn't have a hook.
To Tango Are you really eating the worktop, or are you just licking it?
When I was Zoe, was Zoe me?
Age 2 1/2
Playing with a balloon pump Lots of sky comes out of there!
It's actually quite logical - "air" and "sky" can be synonyms in other contexts...
On being given a gingerbread man It's made out of people!
Bethany is fond of spotting faint resemblances between parts of her food and other animals, vehicles, buildings, shapes... Like seeing things in the clouds but much more so. This time it was a piece of cheese with a ragged edge: It looks like a bird eating a lot of apples. It's called Birdapple.
Oh, you made a lovely nice wall. (Stroking the bathroom wall, which is blue) You can stir up the wall and see if it turns pink.
That cat is having a sit down. It hasn't ever sat down before.
Alex: Do you remember what God sent to rescue Jonah? Bethany: Jesus. I think that's actually theologically accurate, but not in a way I'd expect a 2yo to grasp...
Rachael: What does a hedgehog feel like? Bethany: Spiky. Rachael: That's right. What does water feel like? Bethany: Wet. Rachael: Very good. What does an egg feel like? Bethany: ... Falling down.
Bethany: I don't know where Pepsi is. Rachael: Maybe she's gone outside, or maybe she's having a sleep. Bethany: Or maybe she's going on the bus.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Daddy say the rest.
Daddy goes to work quite a lot.
In similar vein, Rachel is treated almost daily to statements from Benjamin along the lines of "Daddy gone 'way. Daddy gone 'way gone car. Daddy gone 'way wrk. Daddy come back? Daddy gone car gone 'way". And so on. And then, when I come home, we tend to get "Daddy! Daddy go 'way". Nice to be wanted... --CH
Rachael : Rain comes out of clouds. Bethany : Tortoises come out of the sky. Rachael : Do they? Bethany : ... No.
Has someone been telling her about Aeschylus? --PT
Bethany: [I'm] eating hairs. Rachael: Do they taste nice? Bethany: Yeah. Hairs taste like toothpaste.
That baby duck beaking the mummy duck's beak.
We brought a meal to a family from church who just had a baby Rachael: Do you remember we went to see [family]? What did we bring them? Bethany: A new baby!
About a bright yellow car behind us That is a FUN yellow car! That is a GOOD yellow car!
In bed in the morning Mummy and Daddy might come back. Mummy might come and get Bethany out of bed. Mummy and Daddy might come and give you a kiss.
Bekki: Is that your frog? Bethany: Yeah! Bekki: Have you ever seen a real frog? Bethany: Yeah! Bekki: What was it like? Bethany: Fluffy! Rachael: A fluffy frog? Where did you see a fluffy frog? Bethany: In the sand.
Looking through a book by herself There's the sheep... there's the dog and the cat... there's the rabbits... there's the mouses... there's the bear. That was a nice book, Bethany. Let's read it again. (and repeat)
(In the bath, pinching her fingers together) Here we go, here's some water. (Putting it in her mouth) Nom nom! Yummy water. (She then repeats this sequence about four times)
Rachael: Aww, you've got a cute face. Bethany: Tango got a cute face as well.
(When the car braked sharply) Our car nearly fall over!
Age 2
Crocodile is a bit hard to say. Can you say crocodile? Crocodile!
(At the end of a car journey) Mummy strap [me] out!
Bethany: Frog hungry. Frog gonna eat some... sky. Rachael: Eat some sky? What does sky taste like? Bethany: Stripy.
(Singing, seemingly randomly) Me, me, me, meee, meee, me, me, me. (Speaking) Oh, that was a very good one. Was that "Me me me me"? Yes.
Eating a packet of yogurt raisins Mummy put the clip back on. I think that's enough now.
Alex: Careful, you hit Daddy's nose and that hurts Daddy. Bethany: Daddy kiss Daddy's nose?
Rachael, to Alex: Could I have more cheese please? Bethany, mimicking: Could I have more cheese please? Rachael: That's right. ... That's like saying "Mummy want more cheese," but more polite. Bethany: Mummy want more cheese. Mummy want more pirate.
to herself Are you a pie? No. Are you a pumpkin? No. Are you a dog? No. Are you... another pumpkin? No.
Playing with a wind-up train What that noise? I think it the wheels walking.
Walking home on a winter evening Bethany: Blue bus look like a brown bus. Rachael: That's right! That's because it's... (expecting "dark" - we have had similar conversations before) Bethany: Cold.
Wandering aimlessly around I don't know where Bethany going.
Bethany: It got a green thing. Rachael: What's got a green thing? Bethany: That green thing got a green thing on it.
Bethany go on [tiger-bike], and go to work like Daddy!
Leaning over precariously from a chair: What are you doing? You might fall down and bump your head.
In the bathroom: Door a bit wet with water on. It been raining on the door.
Twiddling magnetic letters around: The X spinning round. The X got a lot of en'gy.
Bethany: Crocodile go snap snap! Eminfunt go pawoo [a quite good impression of an elephant trumpeting]. Tiger go grrr. Hippo go... dabbadidabia. Giraffe go dubbatidabia. Monkey go dabbatidabia. Alex: What does the monkey go? Bethany: Oo oo.
[We hear a thump from upstairs] Bethany: <What was that?> Rachael: I think it was a cat upstairs. Bethany: Or a car. Or a lorry. Or a police car. Or a car. Or another car. Or another police car.
Baba run round Mummy! Mummy run round Mummy, yeah?
Playing with playdough: That bin lorry got a light on. It goin' be a police bin lorry.
[...AlexChurchill's dad fondly recollects escapades from thirty years ago involving a police tractor...]
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