Having a bath Zoe: There's this boy in my school who says strange things, like... Daddy, why is there some stubble on the bath here? Daddy: That is a strange thing to say. Zoe: No! He doesn't say that! But he does say strange things like... Daddy, shall we turn the tap off? [Daddy smiles] ...I'm not doing this deliberately!
Age 6
I'm making a carwash for ants. It's a favour for the ants, if they have cars, but it's also a way for me to find out if ants have cars. I'll look at it in a couple of days, and if I see any mess or something, I'll know that ants do have cars. Well don't keep us in suspense. Do ants have cars?
Mummy: One of the quesadillas fell on the floor. Zoe: So it's a ques-oh-dear.
Zoe: I'm making a hospital for insects. I could call it a Waspital! Or a Wasp-Beetle... A Wasp-BEE-tle!
Zoe: I wanna be an eagle. Mummy: Why? Zoe: Because they recycle chickens!
Age 5
Daddy is wearing a Yoda T-shirt Zoe: Wrong order he uses, that boy on your T-shirt. Daddy: Correct you are! Understood you have. Zoe: You I love.
Zoe: Rarity's wearing all her suits at once. Daddy: All her suits?! Zoe: I know! She's so fashionable.
Mummy: Why are you making things difficult? Zoe: I'm not making all things difficult...
Mummy, does two thousand years exist?
Age 4
I could sit here and play with this slime without getting bored forever! Or maybe even for hours!
I've made up an I Love Mummy song. It doesn't rhyme, but it's very... loving Mummy.
Zoe: If you don't want me to squabble, then tickle me to death. Mummy: But then you'd be dead, and that wouldn't be very good either. Zoe: Then tickle me to ill.
Mummy: I'm so impressed that you knew the way home. Zoe: Yeah, I could lead a whole army home.
Applejack has an apple, of course. ... Of cores!
Paul was attacking the minions of God.
Why's Mummy eating plants?
This is butt-tastic! That's a mixture between "butter" and "fantastic". (Glad you cleared that up...)
Mummy: Well done, you've done good walking. Zoe: Yeah! I didn't go (very whiny voice) "Urrrgh, I'm sooo tired, I can't go there!"
When I'm grown up, I want a pet kangaroo, in a jar, with holes in the lid for the air.
Zoe: Are they called press-ups? Mummy: What, the exercises? Zoe: No, the things you wear on your shoulders. Mummy: I don't know what things you mean. Zoe: (pointing to her own nipples) These. Mummy: Nipples? Zoe: (pointing to Mummy's chest) No, those! Mummy: Breasts? Zoe: Yeah.
Mummy: We've got to go and walk Billie in the snow. I wonder what she'll make of it? Zoe: I think she'll make a snow dog.
When you tickle me on the tummy, it feels like porridge.
Zoe: Now pretend an American mummy came. Mummy: An American mummy? Zoe: Yeah. Mummy: Okay... (attempts an American accent) Well hi, I'm an American mommy. Zoe: No, the scary spooky one. Mummy: Oh, an Egyptian mummy? Zoe: Yeah.
(Pointing to someone in a powered wheelchair) That lady in the electric chair looks like Michelle.
Standing by a board at Bethany's school which displays photos of all the teachers Wow, that's a lot of teachers. That's a whole HERD of teachers! They could STAMPEDE!
These three kittens' names are Gold, Eating, and Fur-fluff.
They should meet Annabel's turtles from a similar age - Squirt, Wirty and Stethoscope. --CH
And today she's got a family of children called Emily, Phoebe, Pants, and Pants. --Rachael
Age 3 1/2
Tesco delivery driver: Hello, princess! Zoe: I'm not a princess. Driver: Every little girl is a princess. Zoe: I'm not little.
Can I hold them? I'm a really good not-dropper.
Look at that lamp-post. Nobody could climb that. Except for the best climber in the world: my sister! She's the greatest person in the world. She can do anything! Except walk on lava.
On a swing Slow me down! ... Now fast me up again.
Zoe: Can we play the game with the purple squirrel? Mummy: The blue hedgehog? Sonic? Zoe: Yeah.
(Playing an imaginative game) I need my secret stuff from my cave, for reasons.
Daddy: Please may I try a sip of your drink? Zoe: How about this deal? I'll drink some of it, and then I'll tell you what it tastes like.
If everyone in the world was a snake, then they could still eat hard things. Like doughnuts.
Consistent rules are too boring!
That girl bumped into me on the bouncy castle without asking!
Puts a blindfold over her mouth Do I look like a chicken?
Mummy: Do you need a poo, Zoe? You smell a bit funny. Zoe: I don't smell funny. Your elbows smell funny.
Age 3
Zoe: Hello, baby! Mummy, as Ranjan: I'm not a baby, I'm big boy. Zoe: You are a baby. Mummy, as Ranjan: But I can talk. Zoe: You can't really talk. You're just joking.
Bethany: Mummy, Daddy! Zoe's sawing Pepsi in half! Zoe: I'm not any more.
On the topic of trying sweet chilli salmon At first my brain said "I like this in my mouth," and then my brain said "Ew, it's too spicy, I don't want this in my mouth!"
Zoe: Give that fish back! Bethany: I haven't got any fish. Zoe: I know.
This poo is really round. It's like a C but more pooey.
Can you hear my heart bleating?
Mummy: Aww, you've got a little scratch. Was that from when Bethany pushed you into the wall yesterday? Zoe: I don't remember that. Was I there?
Bethany: I'm as strong as a gecko, and braver than dragons. - Zoe: I'm stronger than ladybirds!
Mummy, my favourite character in the whole wide world that can speak English is you.
On Christmas morning I can't wait till it's Easter!
(falls over) (turns around beaming) I did magical flying!
I was going so slowly because I thought I saw some turtles, and I thought they went to sleep on my back, so I was going at turtle speed so I wouldn't wake them up.
I'm feeding Indica. Indica is the sink. (sink gurgles) And look, she burps!
Zoe: Why are you wearing a belt? Mummy: To help these trousers stay up, because they're a bit loose. Zoe: Oh. Well, your tummy must be very fat.
Mummy: Are you OK, Zoe? Zoe: No. Mummy: Aww, what's wrong? Zoe: My life is dead.
I wish I had a whale, to sit on my shoulder and nibble me at tea time.
To an Elsa doll I'm sorry I teared your leg off. And also it looks like a chicken leg, Elsa.
Mummy has just had a shower Mummy, can I feel your hair? My hands are dirty and I need to clean them on your hair.
They're all going in the squishing machine, and it's squishing them into dirty lemon juice.
Playing 20 Questions Mummy: Is it alive? Bethany: No. Zoe: Is it a cat? Mummy: We already know it's not alive... Zoe: I was meaning is it a dead cat.
I wish I had a nipple-bra.
Zoe: Is this where my heart is? (pointing to her collarbone) Mummy: It's a bit lower down. About there. Zoe: What's inside my heart? Mummy: Blood. It's a muscle, and it pumps blood around your body. Zoe: No, [there's a deep cry in my heart].
Bethany: You can't go past unless you say sorry! You can't go past unless you say sorry! Zoe: For the last time, I'm not the body!
Zoe: Bethany? Bethany: Yes? Zoe: Bethany? Bethany: YES? Zoe: I wasn't talking to you!
You're a baby and I'm a policeman, so I have to try and think I'm a good guy, but actually I'm a bad guy.
I did poos. They went sploosh in the water. Those are the best ones.
(Referring to a man who delivered a parcel) Is he a human?
Zoe: When Bethany was a baby, Bethany didn't know me. Mummy: That's right, because you weren't born yet. Zoe: That's right, I was a toddler, then I was a baby, then I was a child... then I was a nurse. Mummy: Oh, is that what you want to be when you grow up? Zoe: No, I'm going to be a dinosaur when I grow up.
I'm Zoe, from Bethany and Zoe.
We can't eat things that are not good for us, even the dining table or our pet cat. But we can eat food.
Bethany (about a girl in a picture): She's so cool. Zoe: I'm so cool, too. Bethany: But she's even cooler than you expect. She can throw a brick at her head and not hurt herself. Zoe: I can throw a brick at my head and not hurt myself.
If I take my skin off, I will be all red.
Bethany: Naughty little Zoe! Zoe: I'm NOT little!
Man in park: How old are you? Zoe: Two and a half. That's cause my favourite colour is orange.
My bottom's a bit cold. And my bottom's a bit greasy.
I'm just pretending to be a Greek elephant.
Suggesting names for a crocodile Frou-frou? Rosie? Robin Hood? Pouchy-boy?
Mummy, my throat's coming out! It's green!
Zoe: Mummy, I'm cleaning the floor! Mummy: Oh, good girl, thank you! Zoe: With your jumper.
We did watch [Poke a Horse], but there wasn't a horsey in it.
(To Bethany) Let's do strange tricks that sometimes hurt me and sometimes not.
Bethany: I'm five and three quarters. Zoe: I'm two and two quarters. (Which is correct, but I think coincidentally...)
Bethany: Stop that, it's annoying me. Zoe: But it's not annoying me.
Age 2
Daddy, this car is on this train! Choo choo choo. Brmm brmm brmm. Crash crash crash. Oh dear, I think we need a new car.
Zoe: I need a poo. Daddy: OK, let's find the potty ... where is it? Zoe: In my knickers.
Zoe: There's a red thing on my foot. Mummy: Yes, it's a little tiny cut. Zoe: Aww, it's so cute!
Mummy. When I grow up I want to be a big great elephant! With big ears and eyes and tail! ...Mummy? When I grow up, after my elephant one, I want to be a dinosaur!
At lunchtime This bit of my ham looks like a castle.
This one is a cloud in the sky! Actually it's a tiny baby bird that hasn't been born yet! It's in her mummy's tummy... It's in my tummy! This one is big fish, that's flying in the air! The avocado is carrying its mother... The birdy mother! This one looks like a bridge, a rainbow! I eated the rainbow.
Mummy, I'm very cross with you today. You were brushing your teeth, and that's naughty.
When I'm grown up, I want to hold an umbrella and eat peppers.
Bethany: I promise we won't fight. Zoe: Yeah, she promises we won't fight.
Zoe: What colour are my teeth? Mummy: White. Zoe: *sigh* You always say that.
Can you help me sing Hakuna Matata in my head?
Gran (as Shere Khan): I've decided I'm not going to eat man-cubs any more. I'm going to eat carrots. Zoe: Grandad can be the carrot.
Zoe: Dinosaur, I like watching Peppa Pig. Mummy (as the dinosaur): Who's your favourite character? Zoe: Um... My sister.
I did two sneezes because I'm two years old.
Are you brushing your teeth in Spanish?
Zoe: Mummy, you be Jasmine, and I will be the Sultan. Mummy: OK. ... "Oh, Papa, I don't want to marry a prince, I want to marry who I choose." Zoe: "But Jasmine, my darling, I want to marry you."
In the context of the Good Samaritan If I was that man, I'd make sure the robbers don't hurt me. I'd step over them very carefully.
Daddy: If we live forever, we can go to other planets and explore what God put on them. Zoe: Yeah, like Beauty and the Beast!
When I go to sleep in my bed, I will have lots of frogs in my eyes!
(Playing with Playmobil) Night-night, pink baby and blue baby. Do you want your toys? No thanks! Yes please! OK, what indecisive little ones you are.
Zoe: Can I watch Peppa Pig? Mummy: Hmmm... Zoe: Pleeeease, Mummy? I promise! Mummy: You promise what? Zoe: To ask for Peppa Pig.
The rabbits love this bed, because it's so rabbity in here!
Zoe: (Muttering to herself while swapping around lids on pens) I'm doing it on purpose! I'm doing it on purpose! Mummy: Are you? Zoe: Yeah! (giggles) I'm just copying God.
Mummy! I need a problem!
Zoe: There's a tuba in the bath. Mummy: Is there? ... Oh, a tube. Zoe: Daddy calls it a tube, and Bethany calls it a tube, but I call it a tuba.
After Daddy has just been carrying her Daddy, you're very heavy. You're like a horse.
Charlotte's cat climbs into the oven of the toy kitchen Zoe: Pat-a-cat, pat-a-cat, baker's man, bake me a cat, as fast as you can! Pat it and prick it and mark it with B, and put it in the oven for baby and me!
Bethany, I need you to have me and cuddle me!
Let's see what your cough looks like. (shoving a toy thermometer into Daddy's mouth and jiggling it around) It looks like you've got a cough. I will get you a plaster. First I have to cut your hair so you look like a boy. Here's your plaster. I'll put it on your head... your nose. You're better now.
Smelling a toy green pepper Oh. It smells like a kitty cat has eaten it all.
Singing the alphabet song A, B, C, D, E, F, G, French fry, J, K, LMNOP.
(No, she's not encountered French fries by that name in real life, but she's conflating the traditional alphabet song with an Alphabet Food Train song which gives (mainly American) foods beginning with each letter.)
Touching Daddy's arm-hair Is that your grass, Daddy?
There was a farmer had lots of animals, and Bingo was their name-Os; B-I-N-G-Os, and Bingo was their name-Os.
Zoe: Inside my mouth there is a mummy toothbrush and a daddy toothbrush and a baby toothbrush, and a sister toothbrush and a baby toothbrush and a bathroom. Daddy: All inside your mouth? Zoe: Yeah.
In an aggrieved tone Mummy, Bethany's telling the truth to me, and I don't want the truth.
Mummy: Here's your chocolate brownie. Zoe: Thank you, Mummy, but I'm just picking my nose.
Mummy, can you help the hamster do more poo?
Zoe: What's that door? Mummy: That's the shed. Zoe: Is that where Daddy lives?
(As Tango walks in front of her face) Daddy, Tango isn't real. He's pretend.
(Spoon-feeding herself) Here comes the aeroplane! Nyeeeow.
Baby Jesus is going to do a magic show.
Zoe: There's a B on Bethany's door. Mummy: That's right. B for Bethany. Do you know what's on your door? Zoe: A Zo.
Zoe: The jelly is like a mole. - Daddy: Is it? Why is it like a mole? - Zoe: Because it is a mole.
(Signs that your toddler has watched too much Peppa?) Mummy, are we pigs?
At least, you hope it's that and not Animal Farm... --PT
I dunno, I'd be more impressed if it were Animal Farm. --CH
To a Playmobil cat Sorry, cat, we have to tidy up you.
This dog's going to eat all Gaston the Ladybird. Ummummummummumm...burp. Mummy, the dog ate all Gaston the Ladybird's face.
Mummy, can I cuddle you in the dark and make funny noises?
Age 1 3/4
This horse is called Ellie the Teddy.
Mummy, Daddy and Bethany are playing Twenty Questions Zoe: Is it a rat? Daddy: No. Zoe: Is it a cat? Daddy: No. Zoe: Is it another cat?
Two little noses! ... A pocket full of posies, atishoo, atishoo, we all fall down.
That's the giraffe's giddy-up toe.
I'm going to dip you in the sauce. I'm going to dip your face in the sauce. (There was no sauce around at the time.)
I like Jacqueline. I saw Jacqueline and she said (enthusiastic squeal) "Aww, you're so cute!"
(To Pepsi) You're Pepsola. And Tangola is your brother, Pepsola.
Zoe: (trying to push Daddy off a chair) Get off, Daddy, get off. Daddy: Can you ask nicely? Zoe: Mummy, I want Daddy to get off his chair.
You can lick my squirrel if you like, Tango.
Just leave me alone! (Daddy goes to leave) Daddy, can I come too?
Mummy: Next time you need to do a poo, can you do it in the potty? Zoe: No, I can't. Mummy: Oh. Why not? Zoe: Because... I'm Zoe.
Mummy, this eye is wet from my sad.
My nose has got some snot in it. Can you kiss it?
Zoe: It's OK, Mummy. It won't sting you. It's just Tango. Mummy: He did scratch me a bit. Zoe: OK. ‘’(sternly)’’ Tango! Say sorry to my mummy.
Don't worry Pepsi. We're in here. You don't need to fly away, like a bird, tweet tweet tweet.
Row row row a boat, gently down the stream; merrily merrily, down the stream, merrily merrily, walk walk walk down the stream, walk walk walk.
Zoe is shuffling along the pavement on her knees Mummy: It would be quicker if you walk... Zoe: But I'm a snail. I not walk like a Zoe.
Can I count your mouth? One, two, three. (No, evidently you can't...)
Zoe: The rabbit says "What's your name, dog?" Mummy: And what does the dog say? Zoe: Woof woof.
Zoe: Daddy, you're angry. Daddy: I'm not angry. Why do you think I'm angry? Zoe: Because ... you're a snail.
(Kissing Mummy's cheek) I kiss your face. (Kissing Mummy's other cheek) I kiss your other face.
When Daddy arrives home Daddy, Mummy put me in the pushchair, and I cried, like this: Waah! Waah!
I lick your arm. I do like your arm. It's like a ice lolly.
I read it myself. (Opening "Tabby McTat") Once upon a time there was a little cat called me.
Baby Jesus, you can't reach Mary. Mary's a potato.
Ahh, it's good to have my head back.
Please can I watch Ben and Holly? I promise not to turn you into a hedgehog again.
Mummy: Bethany's speaking rabbit language. Zoe: I can speak rabbit sandwich.
Mummy (removing something small, hard and white from Zoe's mouth) What's that? Don't eat it. Zoe: It's cow poo.
In a cafe Zoe: Mummy, where's your cake? Mummy: I've eaten it. Zoe: You should buy some more.
Bethany: Here's your wand, Zoe. Zoe: That's not my wand. That's a pencil.
Zoe: Magic a jelly flood! Mummy: I can't - I can't do magic. Zoe: Why not you can't do magic? Mummy: I'm not a fairy. Zoe: Baba's a fairy, I'm a fairy - you're a fairy.
I'm too little to climb up there. But I can fly!
Zoe: I'm a toddler! Ellie: I'm a 4-year-old! Jenny: That's right, you're nearly a schoolgirl. Zoe: I'm a small girl!
This is your nose, Daddy. What have you got in your nose, Daddy?
To her cuddly squirrel: Your eyes are pretty, and your hair is pretty, and your nose is pretty too, and your foot are pretty, and your toes are pretty too, and your feet are pretty too...
At a zoo Daddy: These are [rheas]. This one's called Luke and that one's called Ruby. Zoe: Hello Luke. I'm Zoe. And this is Daddy - my best friend Daddy.
Playing with her doctor's kit You got a cough, Mummy. I put a p'aster on your mouth.
Age 1 1/2
Holding her foot Mrs Foot is going to work.
In the lounge Come in here, Mummy! It's so sunny and rainy in here!
I don't want some grapes. I'm too little to have grapes.
I'm like a horse! I'm a rhino!
Pepsi's got a cough! I give her a kiss. I good at kissing Pepsi because I'm an elf! Bwoo! The TV show "Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom" contains frequent lines like "I'm good at fixing things, because I'm an elf!" <trumpet blast>
Hi, bee! I did a poo in the potty, bee!
Zoe: What's those? Mummy: Flamingos. Zoe: Mangoes. Sound like food. I want some mangoes in my lovely salad.
Spinning on a roundabout Whee! It's like a potato!
Want some blu-tack on your face, Mummy?
(Wrapping herself in a sheet) It like a dress. I go school. Bye bye, Mummy.
7's going to sleep. I sing Twinkle Star for you, 7.
Zoe is hesitating at the top of a slide Mummy: Shall I hold your hand? ... Shall I catch you at the bottom? Zoe (breaks into a grin) Catch my bottom!
Bethany: I'm putting my finger in Tango's ear. Mummy: Don't do that, that'll hurt him. Zoe: 'Top it, Baba! Don't put Tango in her ear! Mummy: ... That too.
Zoe: I not drive car? Mummy: No, sorry, you're too little. You have to be more than seventeen, and you're one. Zoe: I not one. Mummy: You are one. Zoe: I thirty-seven. Mummy: (laughs) Zoe: (crossly) I thirty-seven NOW!
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