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MikeJeggo has consistently been one of the major contributors of NokkyQuotes, ever since they've been being collected. This means that when AlexChurchill found himself in the role of Mike's BestMan?, he was able to collect seventeen pages worth of quotes by (or about) MikeJeggo to be displayed at the wedding reception. People asked me to put this collection (sorted by topic) up on ToothyWiki, so here it is: a selection of quotes by MikeJeggo from between 1998 and October 2004.

I would complain that this singles me out, and shows up my insanity undiluted by other people's as presented in the normal NokkyQuotes pages.  But I realise that for large chunks of said pages, there probably isn't too much dilution... --MJ


Mike's Jokes, Bad Puns and their Effects


mike: Minors confuse me.
- alex: As a musician, or as a children's worker?
- mike: As someone who doesn't understand coal... (10.5.03)

mike: Puns are not hallucinogenic drugs.  Some people might /prefer/ hallucinogenic drugs to my puns, but that's beside the point. (23.1.04)

mike: My game of Go is multi-storeyed.
- alex: ...What?
- mike: It contains many flaws. (13.12.03)

mike: It was a fruit fly experiment where the genes had gone bananas (19.2.03)

alex [re a pun]: It got a groan from Mike, it must be good... er, bad... er, both! (15.2.03)

will: There's a high turnover of restaurants around here...?
- mike: Yes, a giant apple turnover replaces all restaurants after a while, didn't you know?
- will: [types into his phone and shows to mike: "Silent contempt and scorn"] (20.4.03)

alex: There's a giant Catholic church
- mike: Are there any churches for normal-sized Catholics? (10.1.04)

mike [about to set off cycling]: Let us roll. ...This is the minimal salad roll.  [Lettuce roll]
- alex: [resignedly] ...I can't argue with it...
- mike: You'd look pretty silly if you did.  "I'm going to eat you." ... "Yes." ... "No." ... "No." ... "No, that won't work either, I'm still going to eat you..." (7.5.04)

mike to alex: You're not allowed to be sorry - it makes me feel so much worse when I'm not sorry for my dreadful puns (18.11.02)

mike: For some reason, people always look dubious when I deny that I intended to make a pun (29.10.02)

alex to mike [thru gritted teeth]: I thought that was going to be a different pun. A good one. (7.10.02)

mike: A pun shared is a pun... best unshared. (21.9.02)

mike: House guidance system! "Incoming house - duck!" Qwaaak, qwaaak, qwaaak... (22.7.02)

alex: Safe journey.
- mike: Bike journey. It's quite hard to ride a safe. They don't have wheels.
- alex: No, you just have to persuade it to gallop...
- mike: Presumably by dangling some money in front of it? (9.7.02)

morag: ...Or you won't eat tomorrow.
- mike [bad pun]: Eating days is generally considered difficult
- [assembled groans]
- serge: It's going to be a loooonng week... (7.4.01)

alex: Much managed-to-come-out-without-wallet-ness.
- mike: Much d'oh. Or rather, much lack-of-dough, is the problem. (3.6.00)

mike: Potes and quns?  Why am I getting quotes and puns mixed up today?
- alex: You've got to mind your p's and q's.
- mike: It's easy.  Queues are little green vegetables, and peas are lines of people... (13.2.04)

mike [pointing at a dessert menu]: What are you having, ZoŽ?
- zoŽ: I'm having great difficulty restraining myself from doing you physical damage!!
- mike: What *dessert* are you having, ZoŽ?
- alex: Oh, she's asking the waitress for it too. "Excuse me, I'd like great difficulty restraining myself from doing him physical damage, please..." (15.7.03)

mike: I permanently have to cater for strange senses of humour, given my own (18.5.03)

mike: Sock-reading - an obscure occupation practiced only by a couple of remote tribes of Gypsies who abstain from caffeine.
- [incredulous look from alex]
- mike: So they don't have any tea-leaves...! (25.1.03)

mike: So if I had milk *with* toes, it'd be fine.
[Out of context, it's really surreal. In context, it's a dreadful pun - think lactose intolerance] (30.11.02)

mike: Alex frequently refuses to put my puns into Nokky. [the quote-recording machine]
- dave: Otherwise Nokky would have to commit suicide for the sake of the world. (18.11.02)

mike: Normally when Rob makes a strange noise and looks at me, it means he wants to kill me for the pun I just made. (16.9.02)

mike: A capacitor is a "currant" storage device - does that mean you can make grapes in it? Ah - I mean wine, not grapes!! (8.7.02)

mike: I shall return very shortly. ...As opposed to Very Tall Lee, who I haven't borrowed (25.6.00)

jud: One of my friends is getting baptised in the river Cam.
- mike: I thought baptism was meant to be with water... (5.3.00)

serge: Could somebody explain what it is?
- mike: Impersonal third person pronoun... (5.3.00)

Food


mike: Okay, so I need to get on my horse... charge at the cabbage... slice it in half with my sword... and then ride round waving at the audience. And then I need to start on the carrots. (13.7.03)

mike: I've instigated a peanut-butter-breeding programme. Unfortunately so far all I've bred is green furry peanut butter... (25.11.02)

alex: It'd be kinda useful...
- mike: To produce chilli from between your toes each month? (18.11.02)

mike: Have you never had roast farmhouse? It's quite tasty... (4.11.02)

mike: Mike has heard the advice not to experiment on visitors. Mike has decided to put this advice on one side. (29.1.00)

mike: Admittedly you wouldn't be able to put lightning in lasagne (4.11.02)

mike: Okay, so I live on footballs. (17.12.03)

mike: Don't ever feed BBQ sauce to your nose, it'll go all squeaky! (4.9.04)

mike: So you could think about eating something.  Preferably not a house. (26.3.04 )

mike: I thought you said RSL
- alex: Yes, it's a Repetitive Strain...
- mike: Loganberry. (16.1.04)

mike: You could redefine cows as vegetables.  (1.8.03)

mike: I think you'll find French mountains are made of Brie (26.7.03)

mike: All chocolate cakes are depraved. Didn't you know, ZoŽ? (18.7.03)

mike: He constructed a sheeplike object out of various vegetables and presented it to her.  I don't quite remember how the gloves featured. (13.4.03)

mike: I don't recall ever being hungry enough to eat a table. (10.3.03)

mike: Anyone who tries to make a phone call on or type quotes into a potato ball deserves all the strange looks they get (13.2.03)

mike: The default assumption when talking about eels is that they are not made of sugar... Mon27.1.03)

mike: Whatever I do, it comes out dense
[Regretfully, I must point out this was with reference to his cooking of bread...] (2.11.02)

mike: She also has the handicap of having random vegetables flying past her head (28.10.02)

mike: It's possibly not a good plan... to randomly go round eating everything... (14.10.02)

alan r: For the sake of Mike's stomach, shall we all agree a silence for the next 5 minutes? (8.9.02)

chris: You're dribbling water all over the table
- mike: Oh good, it can clean up the lasagne I dribbled all over the table earlier. (6.9.02)

mike: Food smells hungry! Feed food!
[This wasn't random in quite the way it sounds. It was a series of exclamations on passing through a kitchen, which Mike probably *intended* to be punctuated as: "Food smells! Hungry! Feed! Food!"] (25.5.02)

alan: Lentils are lovely
- mike: Individually they're fine, but as a race I can't stand them (urday 20.4.02)

mike: Well, you run a buttering ministry over there, I'll run a toaster-operating ministry over here, and afterwards we can work together and demonstrate Christian unity. (23.1.02)

mike: I put it all in and put it in the oven and it didn't blow up. This is a good start. (10.1.02)

mike: The concept of remote carrots is quite an intriguing one (9.1.02)

mike: Better than an earthquake - a gigantic bag of oranges fell from the sky! (27.10.01)

mike: Normally my good ideas are associated with the type of "What shall I cook today?" (5.5.01 )

mike: For something with whole chillis floating in it, it's surprisingly mild (5.5.01)

mike: You could use a lemon as a helipad if you had a small enough helicopter
- serge: Or a large enough lemon... (10.2.01)

mike: Come here now or the food gets it, where "it" = "cold" (8.10.00)

mike: I was thinking just the garlic in the profiteroles (10.6.00 )

nagi to mike: He can cook with a shoe in his head! (14.3.00 )

mike: You think you're getting a decent meal, but actually you're eating molten telephone wires. (20.1.00)

mike: Tap-dancing slowly on the spot keeps your pancake mixture from going lumpy? I'll bear that in mind in future (2000)

mpj23: You can do interesting things with roasts, can't you?
- his mum: Yes... I don't, normally, do I?
- mpj23: No... (25.6.99)

mike: The bread is mainly bread, this is why it's called bread... (12.10.02)

Drink


mike: Cups of coffee are keen archaeologists. They like to study the coffee that was in the cup before. (22.7.04)

mike: I shall teach my coffee to levitate (21.6.04 )

mike: I could cross-breed my coffee with andrex toilet paper! (1.4.04)

mike: I do not care about myself, but don't hurt my coffee! ...No! Don't quote me! You'll damage my coffee's reputation if you quote that - stop it! (28.4.03)

mike: "Waiter, waiter, there's no fish in my coffee!" (13.10.01)

mike: Caffeine is my catalyst! (2000)

mike: Do you find condensed kettles in the same part of the supermarket as condensed milk? (20.2.04)

mike: So if I had milk *with* toes, it'd be fine.
[Out of context, it's really surreal. In context, it's a dreadful pun. So no context will be recorded here!] [think lactose intolerance] (30.11.02)

mike [musing on the way words are said in cold blood]: Why can't words ever be said in hot chocolate? It'd make the world a much nicer place... (28.10.02)

Animals


zoŽ to mike: Are you sure there are no spiders anywhere in the world which are naturally pink?
- mike: Well only if you go around embarrassing them.
- alex: I'm not sure that could be called *naturally* pink.
- mike: What, on the grounds of human interference? What if they embarrass one another? (1.8.03)

mike: There appear to be no vibrating cows in Cambridge, or if there are they evaded me(12.9.02)

mike: It would probably distract you from the task in hand if a sheep self-imploded as soon as it told you its name.  You would be afraid the same thing would happen to the others if you asked them! (6.2.04)

mike: If you get an email claiming to be from a cow and telling you to do something risky, how do you verify whether it really is a cow sending the email, rather than a geeky teenage boy pretending to be a cow?  These are the drawbacks of the anonymous internet. (25.11.03)

mike: I was speculating very quickly, that neither sheep nor cows are intelligent enough to write computer viruses.  This didn't take thought that was either long or deep, I'm afraid... (30.10.03)

mike to zoŽ: You should get yourself a sheep to remind you.  Program the computer to tie the sheep to where it leaves the file.  When you find half-chewed files and bits of wool stuck to sharp edges, you'll know it's somewhere round there. (30.9.03)

mike: "Roll up, roll up! Get your cute alien squirrels here!" (23.6.03)

mike: A chicken the size of a mosquito with a tattoo. That's even more of a distressing thought. No, I mean a mosquito the size of a chicken ... (14.5.03)

mike: Didn't you know I had an invisible pet cuttlefish? (10.5.03)

mike: I'm just imagining a penguin sat on the CD as it goes through the post (10.5.03)

mike to zoŽ: You're not a genetically modified sheep. Are you? (2.2.03)

mike: There's something immensely scary about the prospect of Zippy narrating a wildlife documentary (15.12.02)

mike: It looks like David Attenborough is evolving into Kermit the frog. (4.12.02)

mike: Yes, I have a rabbit burrowing into my chest, except it isn't, because it's a hare, and they don't burrow (2.12.02)

mike: People go "oh, it's just a fish". It doesn't matter how surreal a setting it's in, it's still just a fish. It could be about to jump off the Empire State Building, trapped in a bottle, it's still just a fish... (25.11.02)

mike: Even a humble squid has enough cognitive ability not to eat itself (9.7.02)

mike: I am not a bee-herd! I refuse to be a bee-herd! (day 21.4.02)

mike: I can just imagine a sheep crystal now... Sheep in a regular array! (18.3.00 )

mike [walking in the yorkshire dales]: Oh look, those lumps are very regular going up there! There must be a Nessie swimming in the hill... (14.7.03)

Household Tasks and Inanimate Objects


mike: This bike had been sitting outside my house, obviously abandoned, for several days. And I had thought about taking it in, and caring for it, you know, giving it bread and milk, and nurturing it until it was ready to be released into the wild... and then I thought... "No, it's a bike!" (3.2.03)

mike: I'm sure that being slapped in the face with a trout would wake you up, however, I don't think many people employ it as a normal way of waking up in the morning (19.9.03)

mike: A cupboard pheromone? Is that how cupboards attract other cupboards, so that they can mate and have hordes and hordes of baby cupboards? (6.2.01 )

jeremy: Do you ever worry about household appliances that talk to you, Mike? (28.9.03)

mike: I'm not renowned for being used for trimming hedges (01.09.03)

mike: I'm not leaving the vaccuum cleaner constantly running, just to keep a muffin in it!! (30.1.04)

mike: I didn't think "That's a strange aubergine". I knew right away it was a cycle helmet. (12.10.02)

matthew f to alan: Ah, sorry, it was Mike's microwave that spoke to you. That makes a lot more sense. (30.10.03)

mike to alex: The drinks bottles would still be suspicious of you.  You're in cahoots with qqzm - you're taking his money.  On the other hand, that thought might be a bit sophisticated for a fizzy drinks bottle (5.10.03)

mike: Since my bike stays inside, most of the time, I think it's safe from developing writing skills (28.4.03)

mike: I don't recall ever being hungry enough to eat a table. (10.3.03)

mike: He has tragically metamorphosed into a sofa (26.2.03)

mike: Oh, I'm so glad my whole room is bolted to the wall (28.10.02)

mike: At least [my room at home] has decent curtains. The ones in my room in Gwydir St are positively indecent. They show far too much leg. (6.9.02)

mike: I've got a mental image of a [web] server with a big wooden door with a window and with painted flowers (15.7.02)

mike: It would be easier to give a car a pair of jeans than it would to sacrifice a wig (9.1.01)

mike: So, how do you use the toilet as a telnet terminal? (18.11.00 )

Christianity


mike: Well, you run a buttering ministry over there, I'll run a toaster-operating ministry over here, and afterwards we can work together and demonstrate Christian unity. (23.1.02)

mike: And it is now going to be recorded for posterity that Mike was talking about preaching the gospel to mould. (30.1.04)

mike: I think it might compromise the Gospel, if the people proclaiming it were wearing their pants on the outside of their trousers... (11.3.01)

mike: I'm sure between us, we must know enough wacky preachers to do a sermon on "one body many cheeses", and actually make it worth listening to...! (26.4.03)

mike: I don't think rain is subject to sinful desire and rebellion (27.1.03)

mike: I don't think there's anything theologically dodgy about sex changes for mobile phones! (4.5.03)

mike re a preacher: He wasn't planning to just improvise the sermon based on what an electronic Pooh Bear said (8.9.02)

mike: What we'd have to do is train Serge's eyebrows to teach the Bible (19.3.01)

mike: Several hornets decided they wanted to learn about the Bible too (1.10.00)

mike (about his brother): I'm drawing him a map so he can find Jesus
    [Mike Jeggo, master evangelist and occasional student at Jesus College Cambridge] (2000)

Love And Marriage


mike: I don't think that a tea bag could be considered a romantic item under most circumstances... (27.11.03)

mike: I have no biblical objection to the idea of female headship in ducks. (20.6.04)

mike: I'm not dating a chicken! (15.2.04)

mike: Having never been knocked out before, I wouldn't know how unconsciously attractive I am to females (11.4.03)

mike: Ah, the bliss of married life, when your wife will buy you sound cables.
- nagi: What more could you want? (24.7.02)

mike: Potatoes are good for practising on
- [...] nagi to mike: I'd hope a potato isn't, like, going to be your bride.  Otherwise you'll have to get married in America. (6.2.02)

mike: Serge, I severely hope you've never been tempted to behead Morag (2.3.01)

mike: Mike like small fluffy things, be they cats or babies (2.12.00)

Physics, Chemistry, Maths, Etc


rob: Do you know what you make in the lab, Mike?
- mike [with glee]: No, but it works! (21.10.01)

mike: I think we should save the daylight in the summer, using solar cells, and then use it in the winter (27.10.02)

mike: That would be very impressive, if my bottle of sodium hydroxide gave birth to a bull calf... (8.9.02)

mike: The supermarkets of yesterday did not sell wavefunctions either! (4.5.03)

mike: More proof that your washing-up is gaseous.
- alex: Hmmmmm.
- mike: You sound unconvinced?
- alex: Well pardon me for thinking that my washing-up is solid-state! (23.2.03)

mike (having spilt coffee): I walked into the doorframe.
- rob: I walk into thousands of particles every day, and don't spill my coffee.
- mike: Yes, but I think calling a doorframe a particle would be stretching your definitions a little bit... (30.11.02 )

mike: Obviously if it looks outside, screams, and runs back inside, then that'd be unusual, but most gases aren't that sentient (30.11.02)

mike to alex: I was wondering why you felt the need to feel my sock, as if to check it were real (12.10.02)

mike: So what kind of wavefunction does a moron have?
- rob: Oh, Mike...!
- alan: Good answer Rob... (23.9.02)

alan r to mike: Your hair sounds like a chemistry experiment (29.7.02)

mike: I didn't know you had to autograph integers before you could use them... (5.7.02)

mike: This is discontinuous in x, where x is defined as something unintelligible (1.11.00)

mike: Come here now or the food gets it, where "it" = "cold" (8.10.00)

mike: Whoops - I got a coffee stain on my revision! (22.1.00)

mike: How does one define a mathematically significant quality of green?! (4.5.03)

The Human Body


mike: Maybe it shows that I don't have enough time to unwind that I still have both my arms... (30.1.04)

mike: I don't want to know what my hair eats.
- alex: Neither did it! [pause]  The thing it ate, I mean... (27.10.03)

susan: You've got a very convenient head there, Mike!
- mike: I find it very convenient, yes... (17.9.02)

mike: We'd be getting lots of eyebrows from Serge now...
- alex: Only two!
- mike: no, he's got a third one now, didn't you know? (19.3.01)

mike: I patented my own fingers! Yes indeed... (3.6.02)

mike: I can't think of many occasions when I've just left my shoulders lying around unsupervised! (28.8.04)

alex: I wouldn't want to remove my nose!
- mike: But would you want a seal to do it for you? (29.11.03)

mike to alex: Either that or you have very strange saliva which causes milk to spontaneously polymerise (10.5.04)

mike: ZoŽ has not yet worked out how to stand on my toes in 4 dimensions. (8.12.02)

mike: It would have been quite funny to see what happened if Rob's belly started playing Hall of the Mountain King (30.11.02)

Time


mike: The chances of me being awake and alert at 8 in the morning are very slim
- zoŽ: The chances of you being *either* awake *or* alert are small enough, so both happening at the same time is very unlikely! (25.4.03)

mike: This brain is infected with the Mornings virus! I definitely want a replacement one... (26.4.03)

mike: But what would I do for most of the morning, when the morning was in soggy crumbs at the bottom of a coffee cup?  Or worse still, eaten? (14.11.03)

mike: When you say "this year", are you including last year?
 (16.1.04)

alex: How many Fridays do you *get* in a month?!
- mike: I think they've been breeding.  On Saturdays. (30.1.04)

mike: "Friday comes but once a month." No, hang on... (4.5.03)

Money


mike: Change does not vanish simply because cheese is grated onto it... (4.5.03)

mike: It's not so much the love of money, as the hatred of overdraft. (15.3.03)

alex: Much managed-to-come-out-without-wallet-ness.
  - mike: Much d'oh. Or rather, much lack-of-dough, is the problem. (3.6.00)

mike: If you will, for free, give me five dollars, I will, for free, give you a flower! (1.11.00)

Injury and Destruction


mike: It'd be quite good to be able to hack into some*one* (10.3.03)

alex: Dave, can I have a lighter? Mike appears to be requesting I set fire to him, and then give him chocolate... (23.6.03)

mike: We've got an Inter-Continental Ballistic Laser-Guided Engineer and we're not afraid to use him! (28.2.04)

mike: In what way will there being other people in the house prevent my giggles causing widespread structural damage? (01.09.03)

mike: Alex, can you die without destroying my knees, please? (27.1.03)

alex: You told me to defend myself.
- mike: I didn't tell you to do it *successfully*... (2.12.02)

mike: This T-shirt is suffering and therefore ready to be sacrificed. (8.9.02)

mike: I look forward to watching you ride home on a dismembered
bicycle, Alex (15.7.02)

mike: It could get quite dangerous, throwing hundreds of golden toilet rolls in the air and letting them rain down upon people  (nesday 10.4.02)

mike: Owwwww!
- alex: I know that feeling...
- mike: I punched the ta-ble...!
- alex: Okay, I don't know precisely that feeling! (21.1.02)

mike: Yes, I belly-flopped off the ironing board with a splat (27.4.01)

mike: Thank you for that beautiful kick in the shins, Alex! (11.4.01)

mike: Excuse me while I kick you in the head, Alex (31.12.00)

mike: I've yet to injure myself with a chopping board (28.4.00)

mike: Angela, what are you doing?
- angela: I'm strangling a Mike
- mike: Well then you'll sleep in a squashed wasp all night (22.6.00)

mike: Never fear - when I fall in the water my shorts shall save me! (23.9.00)

mike: I've yet to injure myself with a chopping board (28.4.00)

morag: Die, Mike, in pain and agony!
- [mike slips off chair screaming "Aaargh!"]
- morag: See? He still does what I tell him to do... (18.4.00 )

Travel


angela: Mike's list of transport routes [to a wedding] would include train, car, bike, boat, ferry, motorcycle, helicopter, Eurotunnel, fax, email... "The receiving fax number is this, please feed yourself thinly into your fax machine..." (12.1.02)

mike: I shall take a big whip, and whip the train with it! (2.12.01)

mike: Compared to that, the idea of a machine attached to one's car that dispenses honey-coated breadcrumbs onto the road is quite sensible really... (15.9.03)

mike: I'll use a taxi that's the right way up, shall I? (8.9.02)

mike: I don't think in car terms. I don't think, "Ooh! I'm hungry! Better have some petrol!" (7.9.02)

mike: I went for a bike ride
- angela: On a train? (10.6.01)

mike: Is there a station in Cloud Cuckoo land? (12.4.00)

It's So Obvious Now You Say It


mike: Most stone snakes don't need a lawyer. (16.9.02)

mike: Human beings can't normally materialize at will (16.9.02)

mike: The number of people who keep an aquarium in their pocket is severely limited. (14.7.02)

mike: Even a humble squid has enough cognitive ability not to eat itself (9.7.02)

mike: I looked in the mirror and thought, "Oh! I've only got two nostrils!" (27.9.04)

mike: I see now that cleaning all the bamboo we have in the garden, to the sum total of zero, would indeed be easier than cleaning all the rest of the bamboo in the world.  Or indeed the universe - there may be bamboo on other planets, for all we know (16.1.04)

mike to alex: Alex, church towers are not mobile phones... (25.4.03)

mike to alex: Cathedrals don't usually have digestive organs of any kind (25.4.03)

mike: I don't mean that I can't distinguish the number 8 from the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (25.11.02)

mike: Being born is a fairly irreversible process, I guess... (18.9.02)

ant: I can be the Dark Lord of vegetarians, though...
[...] mike [explaining that quote]: Dark Lords have to eat their enemies, and vegetarians can't do that unless all their enemies are vegetables (day 7.4.02)

angela: Let's praise God for green New Zealanders
- mike: I think we should pray for them, actually, since they're obviously ill (9.5.01)

mike: I wouldn't know that, not being a Pembroke person
- zoŽ: Why - are you not at Pembroke, or not a person?
mike: I'm blatantly not Pembroke: because Pembroke is either a college or a town in Wales, and I am obviously neither! (21.4.01)

mike: When I studied the great composers, they were all strange
- alex: What, and they're not now?
- mike: No, they're all dead (11.4.01)

mike: Do you not think it'd be a bit noticeable, somebody joyriding a crane around Cambridge? ...And if they tried to drive it over Garrett Hostel Bridge, it'll fall over. (1.12.00)

mike: You've heard of the film Dances with Wolves, but you've not seen Dances with Wrapping Paper. (18.11.00 )

mike: I never knew St Francis of Assisi had a pharmacy, let alone more than one (25.8.00)

mike: So if people smelt of bananas, we'd know they were wearing banana skins instead of underwear (28.6.00)

mike & rich: Stones don't usually fill with water and sink like a stone (19.4.00 )

mike: I think it is necessary for me to move... otherwise I won't(22.3.00 )

Inexplicable Bizarrity 


mike: Much bizarrity!
- angela: Bizarrity isn't a word!
- mike: Yes it is - I've just invented it.
- angela: I uninvent it!
- mike: You can't uninvent words!
- angela: "Yt...ir...ra...zib" - there!
- mike: "Bizarrity" - I've reinvented it!
- angela: "Yt..." - oh, never mind! (8.12.00)

mike: In the event of an emergency, a pair of pants will fall from the locker above your head. Please place the pants on your head and continue to breathe as normal... (28.1.01)

mike: [We] have a very good grip on reality, it's just a rather different grip to everyone else (19.2.01)

mike: I'm sure I can think up infinite ways to be weird! (8.12.02)

mike: While I can understand why you'd think I was talking about purple sheep, on this occasion I did in fact mean something sensible (7.12.02)

rob to mike: You said "no, this is a large potato" down the phone.  What on earth can he have said to get that response?
- mike: He said "Hello, this is Philip, is that Mike?"... (2.11.02)

mike: How do flared shorts differ from two skirts welded together? (18.3.01)

mike: I wouldn't want a war, it wouldn't look good on my shelf.
- [pause]
- alex: Was that just utterly random?
- mike: Of course! What kind of person do you take me for?
- alex [sighing]: Let me rephrase that... is there any context there that I'm missing?? (18.11.02)

mike: Are you trying to say that popular books can't have obstreperous Greenfinches and goats in them? (12.10.02)

mike [in scary-Jedi voice]: Use the polka-dotted side, Luke! (22.7.02)

mike: I'm a fruitcake who doesn't care about cannibalism, because that would be too sane for a fruitcake (2.4.02)

mike: Follow the yellow brick rabbit!
- morag: It's not a rabbit.
- mike: Neither is it yellow or made of bricks... (9.3.01)

mike: It would be easier to give a car a pair of jeans than it would to sacrifice a wig  (9.1.01)

mike: Are you afraid the 5th of November will be surgically removed from the year? (1.11.00)

nagi: I'm not sure where to place Mike, to be honest
- alex: In an asylum? (29.7.00)

Mike's Physical Appearance


mike: When I'm embarrassed I suddenly sprout a random beard, until I stop being embarrassed, when it retracts again. (17.5.02)

alan r to mike: Your hair sounds like a chemistry experiment (8.9.02)

alex: Hmmm, Mike's geometric properties! Fluff coefficient: 2.3! (10.5.03)

mike: My hair opens and shuts... (23.2.00)

mike: My whole hair is a random curly thing (23.1.00)

mike: Yes, I have a rabbit burrowing into my chest, except it isn't, because it's a hare, and they don't burrow (2.12.02)

mike: Niii-wom! Meow.
- alex: He's... a feline... Knight who says Ni.
- mike: Nii-eow. (7.4.03)

alex: I don't think [Mike] minds very much, being randomly turned blue... (9.9.02)

sarah to mike: Your curls should have been a listed building! (17.2.02)

mike: I'm not turning into a corporate bigwig, no matter what my hair may be hinting (2.2.02)

morag re mike and serge: Clash of the titans! Or rather, clash of the medium-sized-man with the slightly-less-medium-sized- man.. (11.4.01)

Mike's Typical Behaviour


zoŽ: Where are you hiding?
- mike: Under my desk.  I've set up a set of mirrors so I can see the monitor, and I have my mouse and keyboard down here.  Since the men with white coats won't talk to me, I'm talking to the dust. :) (11.11.03)

bartow re mike: You can see that now he plays a real trombone, when he started out with an apple, an orange and a piece of string. (15.12.02)

mike: I wonder if I can hide in a scanner. (21.5.03)

fiona to mike: Wow, I can almost believe you can behave yourself! (23.11.02)

mike: I specialise in gibbering! (16.9.02)

mike: What kind of criminal do you think I am to be swayed by offers of jelly babies?
- alan: A jelly baby thief of course!
- alex: A jelly baby thief would probably have a lot more than 3 jellybabies.
- alan: Unless he's a *very bad* jelly baby thief... (8.9.02)

mike: Does that mean I can't work as an aubergine? (8.9.02)

alan to mike: You become infinitely stressed at the deadline, presumably using up all your energy so you can't ever physically hand your work in?
- mike: That's why I always hand my work in a little before the deadline. (4.9.02)

alex: [Mike's] going to disappear at midnight and reappear at 12:01
- mike: Yes, I do that every night in fact... (2.9.02)

alex to mike: Between you and me we're tidying the world up so much!
[The context for this highly implausible suggestion: each of us have fully half of the world's junk in our rooms... So there's not much left for the rest of the world, right?] (28.8.02)

mike: Maybe we need to duct tape his head to the rest of the world (9.7.02)

mike: I wasn't here, I was in Mexico. So I wasn't in Cambridge. I haven't yet mastered the art of being in two continents at once...
[...]
- mike: Unfortunately my legs do not span the five thousand-odd miles between here and Mexico City.
- rob: It's the occurrence of the word "unfortunately" that gets me! (8.7.02)

mike: I shall obviously have to start talking to a bike light on a more regular basis (15.5.02)

mike: I made a noise worse than a civilised pig. (urday 20.4.02)

mike: Raise your eyebrows for charity! (24.3.02)

mike to phil: You don't have to apologise when I, in my idiocy, elbow your glass of apple juice! (9.3.02)

[mike's phone rings]
- mike: Hello? [pause] Forty-two. [pause] Okay, see you soon... [hangs up] (15.2.02)

zoŽ to mike: You were waving through my head!
- mike: Well it was in the way... (1.1.02)

mike: You don't have sellotape over your mouth, either... but I'm sure that helps. In certain very specialised situations... (27.4.01)

mike: Ah! That would be why nothing's happening.
- alex: Oh? Why's that?
- mike: I'm using the wrong keyboard... (27.4.01)

mike: I have power - I only have to adopt this look and people cringe
- angela: It's that particularly nasty "I'm about to make a mess in my nappy" look (1.11.00)

mike: Imagine sunbathing with cucumbers on your eyes (13.4.00)

[How do you stop a chocolate-covered Jaffa cake from melting?]
mike: [tossing his from hand to hand] I'm stopping mine from melting in the obvious way
- alex: [pointing at his on the table next to him] No, I'm stopping mine from melting in the obvious way
- morag: [with her mouth full] No, I'm stopping mine from melting in the obvious way! (16.2.00)

mike to alex: We need to polymerise your hair (15.1.00)

mike: I dread to think.
- zoŽ: We know, Mike. You avoid it at all costs... (4.5.02)

Language and Nationality


mike: [dictating] "The quick brown fox jumps over the full stop, full stop". What's the problem with that as a sentence? (13.7.03)

mike: I can't even langle the manguage properly! (20.05.01)

mike: I speak Physicist fluently.  It's like a second language to me.
- zoŽ: What about Chemist?
- mike: That's my native language! Inorganic dialect, that is.  I don't understand Theoretical dialect at all well.  It's like a separate language... (12.7.03)

mike to alex: In which alphabet does the letter "coffee" appear? (25.4.03)

mike: I much more often have visitors from Mars than America (8.2.03)

mike to alex: Why can't you create a new verb, to gloves? (20.1.03)

mike: Define "normal" in the context of a discussion about what kind of cheese the moon is made of. (19.1.03)

mike: I believe at least 50% of international students are from overseas (13.12.02)

mike: There must be a Dictionary of Silly Words somewhere, so you don't have to waste your time going through all the words everybody uses (12.10.02)

alex: Much inversion of digestive biscuit.
- mike: Much digestive inversion biscuit-ness of... of- of- of-
- alex: You've run out of nouns! (12.10.00)

alex: Much leave-alone-and-let-me-go-to-sleep-ness!
- mike: I imagine the English language could say the same to you (23.9.00)

mike: I think I can finally identify this disease we've caught - it's linguitis - an unnatural inflammation and swelling of the language :) (6.6.00 )

Misquotations


mike: We shall fight the farces of dorkness (1999)

mike: I can't make even good quality shoes last more than about a year, because my sheep are an odd fate. (29.5.03)

mike: If I'm going to say silly things, they should at least be under the control of my brain and not my focal cords... (23.2.03)

alex: He can read my mind, but I can't read his.
- mike: Yes you can, just not with your... mind... (25.11.02)

mike: Take your foot out of your mouth... and leave it there.
- serge: Simultaneously... (21.9.02)

mike: "I was thwarted by a guy with his leg stuck in another dimension... Curses!" (16.9.02)

mike: You could carve a knife out of cheese, and then I'd have a cheese. I mean a knife... (23.2.03)

mike: A capacitor is a "currant" storage device - does that mean you can make grapes in it? Ah - I mean wine, not grapes!! (8.7.02)

mike: There's a maximum of three people coming: two can fit on that mattress and one in an air mattress I've got up in my room.
- zoŽ: In?
- mike: Yes, in. That'll be Nick, he's skinnier than the others. (1.1.02)

mike: Only Alex could manage to be a vegetarian without eating any fresh veg or fruitables (27.10.01)


mike: My grandad when he died was still nearly not bald at all, and my dad still has all his hair (5.12.00)

mike: Does Rob only realise we're mad when we sign a convent? (18.11.00 )

mike: A canned meal is where you open a can of chilli con carne rather than cooking it yourself from first principles (6.10.00)

mike: What's a compucumber? (16.6.00 )

Pedantry


mike: I shall stop being a pedant... OK, I shall temporarily suspend being a... erm, hang on... (21.11.03)

mike: Well if you teleported from here to a very short distance from Antarctica, and then allowed gravity to act, then it could be said that...
- alex: ...Antarctica is falling on you, yes! (25.8.03)

mike: I'm afraid I'm incapable of making a mug out of hot water (2.9.02)

mike: Innocence shines from your every tail.
- rob: But I haven't got any tails.
- mike: Exactly! (21.7.02)

alex: So they went to Grantchester and Kate fell in?
- mike: Kate fell into Grantchester, yes, that's right (10.6.00 )

The Jeggo Effect


lynette jeggo: So who's going to do that then?
- chris jeggo: You can.
- lynette: Why me?
- chris: Because you're so much better at these things.
- lynette: Are you sure it isn't just because you're lazy?
- chris: No.
- lynette: Pardon?
- chris: Yes.
- lynette: See, I knew you'd know the right answer if you thought about it long enough. (21.6.03)

will jeggo: If you injected a fish directly into your blood stream, you might die. (28.12.02)

mike: My parents didn't get a personalised flood (23.11.02)

zoŽ to mike: The urge to paint you green and take you to Asda is almost irresistable... (19.9.02)

sally: I know who Mike Jeggo is! My life is complete! (6.5.03)

alan r: I talk to everything. Hello Mike. (8.9.02)

mike: My grandad when he died was still nearly not bald at all, and my dad still has all his hair (5.12.00)

angela: For some reason I had an image of Mike climbing in my ears. ...Well you were saying "Close your mind", and Mike was talking, so I thought I ought to close my mind to him, and I had this image of Mike climbing in and saying "Let me in!"...
- mike: Well Angela, you should have closed your mind to the image, then, shouldn't you?
- angela: But I couldn't - you were knocking really hard on my eardrums! (22.11.00)

Friends and Quotes


mike: I don't think any pasta packets have been found in Viking archaeological digs.
- alex: I wasn't meaning I actually wanted to be a Viking. Although I do want to quote that comment of yours.
- mike: You don't have to be a Viking to record quotes... (26.7.03)

anil: I wonder what kind of damage has been done to the fabric of SpaceTime by allowing AlexChurchill and MikeJeggo to meet? (8.3.03)

mike: Oh. You took my drink away.
- angela: Well, actually, I spilt it on your sock.
- mike: [looks down] Oh. So you did. (31.12.00)

mike: Liz's bag is having an allergic reaction to your music ZoŽ... (18.1.04)

mike: I get on with mad scientists. ...Unless they've got red noses and whiskers, that is... (25.11.02)

mike: I didn't know quotes could get on the train!
- [alex stares at mike for several long moments, before deciding to quote him]
- mike [bashing his head on his knee]:  Nokky is the quote train... Nokky is the quote train... (12.10.02)

mike: So let me get this straight, Alex. You don't just talk to yourself - you set up a video link and converse with yourself *face-to-face*!
- alex: I'd say yes, except you'd quote me... (day 22.4.02)

angela: I think in *normal* people terms
- mike: Angela, what normal people keep 16 invisible goats on their balcony? (12.10.00)

mike: ZoŽ is sufficiently scary that I'll shout if I think it'll avoid her coming and being scary at me (12.10.00)

alex: Mike's going to start inserting random words of gibberish into his sentences just to stop me quoting them.
- mike: Start? (29.1.03)

mike: I adjust my insanity to match that of those around me. (21.3.00 )


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