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I've been steadily compiling a list of interesting/amusing sigs that I've seen on slashdot and elsewhere. Here it is. Feel free to add any to the section at the bottom.

I will also start merging sections, in an attempt to produce a list indexed by type rather than contributor.

14/05/05 This archive being copied to [MathWiki]. All further active development will take place there.
06/01/05 Item added to f/i
16/10/04 Item added to f/i
20/09/04 Item added to f/i
14/08/04 Item added to insightful
06/06/04 Item added to funny/insightful
06/06/04 More stuff categorised


US patent no.55120313, "Describing a device to repeat a text at the end of comments"

Real programmers don't comment!
It was hard to write, It should be hard to read!

"...There are 10 types of people in this world, Ron..Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

Earth First - We'll strip mine the other planets later.

Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus. (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

Stapp's Law: the universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

Those who can, do. Those who can't, sue.

Oxymoron of the day:
Civil Engineer

Veni, vidi, velcro.
"I came, I saw, I stuck around."

Jesus Saves... passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!!!!!!
In similar vein (stolen from RocketNinja?, the store affiliated with 8BitTheater?): Jesus Saves. The rest of you take damage.
Also: Jesus saves, Ronaldo gets it on the rebound.

"Truly, if Te is strong in one, all one needs to do is sit on one's ass, and the corpse of one's enemy shall be carried past shortly."

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue." - David Brent, Wernham Hogg#

Ref my patent #1123456 "Appending a signature line to message board postings and emails." I'm suing all of you!

my other sig is a 500 page novel

If at first you don't succeed, lie!

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with good memory.

My strength is as the strength of ten men, for I am wired to the eyeballs on espresso.

"My god, it's full of source!"

Anything in parentheses may (not) be ignored.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

en.gin.eer en-ji-nir n 1: a mechanism for converting caffeine into designs.

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive!

I used to have a handle on life. Then it fell off.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck

There are 10 type of people in this world : Those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who think this is binary

There are three things certain in life: Death, Taxes and Amateur philosophers filling in the third category.

Must resist urge to rant. Must resist urge to rant. Must res...

"Proudly Posting Without Reading The Article"

"Warn the president, this sig virus has mutate98aanoedeudetd....rroanoe"

I found myself lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer. ... I WILL, however, dignify it with a smack in the head. -Get Fuzzy

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. -Homer Simpson

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Don't forget to tip your waitress, but be sure to help her back up again.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

9 out of 10 voices in my head agree I'm not insane!

Exchanging infinite amounts of data finitely often might not be enough for some applications - SimonTatham?

Dogs have owners; cats have staff.

"Heaven and Earth are my dwelling, and my house is my trousers. Why are you all coming into my trousers?" -excerpt from a Chinese proverb

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K. Jerome

I don't mind sleeping on an empty stomach as long as it isn't my own.

Some condoms used to be made out of sheep's intestines, but I wouldn't advise wearing the whole sheep.

Blondes have more fun because they're easier to find in the dark.

It is so easy to have a fatal accident and ruin your life.

To avoid parking tickets, remove the windscreen wipers from your car.

You can never lose an intellectual argument if you have a kipper and your opponent has an exhaust pipe.

Why didn't Noah swat the flies?

Why don't people who believe in reincarnation leave all their money to themselves?

A secret is either not worth keeping, or too good to keep.

There is no other name for thesaurus.

There is only one Monopolies Commission.

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

An elephant is just a flea with an ego.

Don't covet thy neighbour's ass - he might give you the damned thing.

Funny / Insightful

There are some sigs that combine aspects of funny and insightful. They will go here.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo
-Andy Finkel (J. Klass?)

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not after you - Kurt Cobain

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

Anyone who says that money isn't important is spending someone else's. -Hampton's Law

Diplomacy: the art of saying "Nice doggy" until you can find a stick-- Wynn Catlin

Under capitalism man exploits man. Under communism it's the other way around.

"The CD-ROM tray is not a coffee cup holder!"

Fix a computer and it'll break tomorrow. Teach its owner to fix it and it'll break in some way you've never seen before.

I use Linux because it's like owning a chainsaw compared to owning a pen knife. Not always necessary, but much more fun

Those who live by the sword die by the arrow.

Stupidity runs on any OS...

The price of freedom is eternal litigation.

To err is human; but to really screw up, you need a computer

"If both sides are mad at us, we must be doing something right."

"Love is when two people decide to stalk each other"

You live, you die, they throw dirt in your face, the worms eat you. Be glad it happens in that order.  - David Gerrold

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...

"...I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter." -- Nick Petreley

> Originally posted by Seishin:
> Re...ali...ty...? What's that?
It was an unpopular attempt at a kind of way to live ones life, sort of like the TV shows Survivor and Joe Millionaire. I personally have had nothing to do with it for a number of years and hope to completely secede as soon as I figure out where to file the forms...
- Nandemonai

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

90% of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.

To get it done, do it yourself or forbid your kids to do it.

To make a small fortune on the stock market, start with a large fortune.

"FORTRAN has the same kind of cherubic appeal as a very very large hirsute man wearing a tutu." - SlashDot?

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
(PeterTaylor) Credit? I've seen text very similar to that in one of DouglasAdams' books, so either he nicked it or he deserves acknowledgement.
I think it's common knowledge...

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform." -Mark Twain

Considering the number of wheels Microsoft has found reason to invent, one never ceases to be baffled by the minuscule number whose shape even vaguely resembles a circle.

You'll never meet a cat owner who doesn't think that their cat should be in a television commercial.

If Little Bo Peep lost her sheep today, the EEC would pay her for not finding them.

A politician is a man who will lay down your life for his country.

If you know somebody is in, ring his doorbell five times. If he hasn't answered the door by then, hack it down with a bloody great sword.

Don't marry someone until you've seen them with a bad head cold.

If you win the Tour de France, think twice before doing a lap of honour.

People deserve what they settle for.

You can stop almost anything from functioning by hitting it with a large rock (Bell's third law of Physics).

Once the map of your life unfolds, it's very difficult to re-fold it. Especially in wind.

The man who turns the other cheek is probably picking up a baseball bat.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The things that come to those who wait are probably not worth waiting for, anyway.

People never forget a favour.....if they did it.

There's no such thing as fool-proof systems - only system-proof fools.

There is no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate clothing.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man knackered, grouchy and generally no fun to be with.

In the same vein:
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise, but...
Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy and wealthy, but dead.

People who live in glass houses should sack their architect.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget forever today.

Laugh and the World laughs with you, but cry and you'll probably have a better grasp of the situation.

Cats are people too. They're just not very bright people.

"You haven't got the guts to pull that trigger" is almost always a bad thing to say.

Nobody ever got rich by doing sit-ups.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Smile and they wonder what you are up to.

"If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it." --- Arthur Kasspe

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." -- Winston Churchill

do() || do_not(); // try();


Truth is not determined by majority vote.

"The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities...It is best to win without fighting." - Sun-tzu, The Art of War

"You can fool some of the people all the time. You can fool all the people some of the time. But you can't fool all the people all the time." --Abraham? Lincoln.

"Proprietary software is harmful, not because it is a form of competition, but because it is a form of combat among the citizens of our society." (RMS)

You are what you think.

Progress has value only if it is shared by all -- slogan of SNCF [French Railways]

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. --Gandhi?

When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.

Low expectations mean that everything comes out better than you thought it would.

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils"

"The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim" - Dijkstra

Psychotics are consistently inconsistent. The essence of sanity is to be inconsistently inconsistent.

Rule number one: don't sweat the small stuff. Rule number two: it's _all_ small stuff.
(cf Therefore I tell you, do not worry about tomorrow...)

To the world, you might just be one person, but to one person, you just might be the world.

"Hopeless romantics are only hopeless in the eyes of those who don't believe in romance."

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're alive. - O.A. Battista
To those last three, I would just like to say: Bleugh. See IsRomanceDead? for everyone else's views.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.  -- Susan Ertz

Never take financial advice from anyone who isn't extremely rich.

If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

If you're thinking about early retirement, spend an afternoon watching daytime television.

If something's worth doing, it's worth paying someone to do it properly.

You have a stable society when some nut guns down a schoolyard and the law doesn't change

There is no reasonable defense against an idiot with an agenda


"It's so convenient to have a system where everyone is a criminal" - A. Hitler

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
I can't bring myself to place those last two in the "Funny" section...

Toothywikizens' additions

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."  -- M. Cartmill

Contributions from AlexChurchill and ChrisHowlett have been assimilated. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!

But more are forthcoming! Some literary insults:
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
This is a political insult, not a literary one. Paul Keating is a former Australian Prime Minister --SF
Depends who he said it about. I'm guessing from the content that he said it about an author. --Rachael
Google suggests it was aimed at Australian Liberal leader John Hewson, so the criticism probably stands, actually. --AC
If I thought people were going to complain I'd have said "it was from the Australian (Labour) Prime Minister to the then (Liberal) leader of the Opposition. Hewson's reply was "I have decided the worst thing you can call Paul Keating, frankly, is Paul Keating." --SF

[Memorable quotes from alt.sysadmin.recovery]
Some highlights:

All programs evolve until they can send email. -- Richard Letts
Except Microsoft Exchange. -- Art

Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who its friends are. -- Kyle Hearn

Life is like sendmail: It's complicated and hard to understand, but it sure beats the alternative. -- Paul Tomblin

USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"

Quoted-Printable: a standard for mangling Internet messages
Quoted-Unreadable: the result of applying said standard
Unquoted-Unprintable: the comments from the recipients of the above

The day Micro$lop makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. -- Ernst Jan Plugge

I'm really not sure what to do with this section - it stands apart, on the borderline between funny and funny/insightful. I can't split it between the two as this would destroy its coherence. Any suggestions?


(Culled from the net over the last week)

I refuse to commit piracy until I have a parrot

If I wasn't chaotic-neutral, I'd feel really bad about this.  But fortunately, it's REALLY funny.
That reads as more of a quote than a sig

I bow to your superior knowledge of both snarky and bitchy.

A pound of salt in the hand is worth two in the signature.

"Tooth Bunnies." There's about 10 of them, they all look eerily similar. Like their tannings booths were all set to the same number and they all buy the same blonde hair dye. And they all have full sets of gold braces.

Memes don't exist. Tell your friends.

Why couldn't you have been raised by wolves, like a normal boy?

My mind ticks like a clock, and like a clock it regularly goes Cuckoo
Originally Terry Pratchett, Thief Of Time

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