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If you feel like helping out: add Image: 46 next to quotes you really like, and ~ next to quotes you think are totally duff. If a quote isn't too bad, but is nothing special, just leave it alone. If you see a quote with 5 or more ~'s next to it, delete it. If you see one with 5 or more Image: 46s, move it to /BestQuotes?.

Quotes from PeterTaylor's workplace

Hugo: I've been added to the support group for ages.

Hugo: Someone's going to have to fix that, and I use "someone" in the loosest sense of the word.

~ Aidan: Yes, if we didn't have knees.

Image: 46 Peter: The Earth is not an infinite sphere.
Richard: Pity.
Peter: If the Earth was an infinite sphere, it would have an infinite mass, and we would be flat.
Richard: We can build that into our engine.

Image: 46 Richard: Hands up if you're paranoiac.
Peter: Only two paranoiacs in the room?
Alan: I can't put my hand up at the moment.
Richard: He's injecting himself, and he doesn't want them to know he's onto them.

Aidan: Obviously, I timed the offer of coffee so that Hugo wouldn't be here only so that the sugar wouldn't be consumed.

Alan: Oh, [Arthur Norman quotes] are just Arthur Norman quotes really, aren't they.

Alan: What I suggest is that you go to Tibet... {to find out how flat it is}.

Aidan: Sorry, Hugo. I realise I'm a small furry creature unable to control my impulses.

Image: 46 Peter: You were just sending it a SIGINT. I tend to be a bit more violent when I kill things.
Alan: What about spiders?

Alan: Peter, your notes are being delegated to a lower division, or perhaps a lower realm of existence.

Aidan: My God, Peter, something awful has happened to your head.

Aidan: Well, that's our straitjacket fitted for Hugo; now a straitjacket for Peter.

Image: 46 Hugo: Have you ever been killed by a spider, Aidan?

Aidan: Anyway, I didn't go far enough - I'm sure it {a spider} will be back. It's because I was frightened by the squirrel.

Image: 46 Aidan: So with regard to high-speed underground adaptable musicians - I mean, munitions...

Hugo: It's hot in here.
Peter: No, it's not.
Hugo: Are you comfortable, Peter? Gosh, you're wearing a jumper...
Peter: Two jumpers.
Hugo: ... and a tie!

Hugo [on translating poetry]: ...if you constrain two variables, the third goes out of the window. So you could have it rhyming perfectly, metre fine, but it's about guns rather than flowers.

Chris: It's amazing how long nothing can take you if you try to do it quickly.

Hugo: Imagine that: having to type by moving your fingers.

Alan: I can't cover all of the keys on my keyboard without having extra hands.
Hugo: That would be an interesting experiment...

Aidan: If we drew a compromising line...

Aidan: I've got a kettle - it works on the Apples.

Image: 46 Alan: I'm not sure ... whether they've developed the Mobius strip envelope.

Hugo: bin not good enough for him?

~ Hugo: I would like to actually see that leg in working order.

Google: Did you mean to search for: "GL4Java ERROR: open Open could not lockJAW reference"

Aidan: "Hugo understands it might not be ready. I don't understand it might not be ready"
Gregor: "Don't worry. I'll explain it"
Peter: "In nice short words"

Hugo: It's pretty good, the Model-View-Controller pattern. The idea is that you have <pauses> a wasp in the room.

Hugo: can you get tank-breeding capability?

Hugo: At least problems that it generates are done on the fly.

Alan: Harmony is stranger than truth.

Hugo: If we rebuild the class files, do we expect users in the middle of registration to die?

Image: 46 Peter: How good is the Mona Lisa at spotting paratroopers crawling through the grass?

From ICQ
Hugo (21:43:50): Ah.  Damned folding.
Hugo (21:43:52): Sorry.
Hugo (21:44:08): I mean, I love how vi folding can obscure things.

Hugo: You can sort on fonts and things like that, it's quite trivial really.

Yves: Presumably they don't trust computer scientists not to fall out of windows.

Aidan: I think the neighbours should be able to see our feet.

Friend quotes recorded by PeterTaylor

Toby Hudson: It's possible to get too excited about Greek phonemes, I hear.

Kenton: I booted up Encarta the other day, and it said in big letters "Beef up your brain". They obviously haven't heard of BSE in America.

David: That's as pleasant as I get: ramming snowballs in Kenton's face.

Lorna (wistfully): I don't think we've had a fight at [Trinity CU Prayer and Praise] before.

Emily [On her Vector Calculus supervisor]: He finds it quite amusing that I can't really do it, because he can't really do it either.

Catherine: When Mark runs out of sherry he sucks medicines. Sitting there with his bottle of TCP.

Catherine: What's a Gethsemane party?
Mark: I think I misheard.

Catherine: They can bring the food because they might bring a rubbish [DVD]
Lorna: Is "rubbish" anything except VeggieTales??

Catherine [Addressing a room of seven men and one lady]: Have any of you ever bought a wedding dress before?

Chiin [On Emily's Vector Calculus supervisor]: He's good at his own area. I just don't know what his own area is yet.

Rachel: My daughter's going to be called Topsy... It's better than Tipsy.

Andrew: I'm just going to leave my body behind while I go to the toilet.

Stuart: You'd need a big dancefloor. Russia, for example.
I think I said "Like Russia, for example." Then followed it up with "The concept of using Russia as a dancefloor is certainly aesthetically pleasing". Ask PeterTaylor, StuartFraser or Sally for context -SF
Amended wording is how I recorded it at the time.

Robert: When doing a Bible study, you can print the passage out double-spaced and delete what you don't want.

Lorna: And you're not hungry, so we're sorted.
Chiin: Exac - what are you implying?

Chiin: I rest my case - from a distance.

Peter: Your dinner's not kicking you is it?
Lorna: Not yet...

Queenie [recently back from Hong Kong]: I'll start coughing violently the moment you annoy me, I think.

Eleanor: Adam, your group can come down this end because it's comfy and I'm in your group.

Adam: No prayer allowed when drunk!

David [to Chiin] What d'ye mean, "Smells like an Irishman"?

Emily: That would be really good, you could have your earphones and look really holy but you wouldn't really need to listen.
Punctuation intentionally inaccurate, to convey the breathless nature in which the quote was delivered.

Image: 46 Joanna: Did you sign to agree to the rules of this College?
Adam: Yes, but half of them are inconsistent with European legislation.

Image: 46 Image: 46 Alex: If I am still around when you get up, do your best to make this not the case. Preferably in a way which leaves me alive.

Paul: Java on an Acorn? That's just nuts.
Mike: You have to use it via Erin the Ninja Squirrel fantasic abacus emulator, but it can be done!

Tim: If it wasn't for the sunglasses, [Morpheus] could be in the CU.

Alex: Are watermelons mortal?

Lizzie: Hazel, remind me to get rabies tomorrow.

Peter: Therefore everything blue is God.

Image: 46 Tim: Assuming appropriately sized inches.

Alex: I'm sure I've seen an anime about someone stealing a library.

Eleanor: BT on Saturday is the great and dreadful day.

Peter: It's not a... It's not a whatever-the-technical-term-is, it's a whatever-the-technical-term-is.

Image: 46 Peter: So you regard a piccolo as irrational, then?

Stuart: Since when have you seen a piccolo expressed as a ratio of two integers?
It is probably worth noting that in full, that sentence was "Since when have you seen a piccolo expressed as a ratio of two integers and I am not a MathMo." --SF

I don't normally quote typos, but this one from the JDC New to Java Technology Forum is a classic:
Image: 46 Ariana_XXX: What's an apple, and how do I write one?

Image: 46 Andrew: The first three years of the second year were fast work.

Peter: Surely there are Exceptions which only take your arm off?

Peter: You probably have to have priority to take your trousers off.
Context is MagicTheGathering of course, more accurately in reference to MTG: Prismatic Wardrobe and MTG: Hurloon Wrangler, but I believe that you can remove clothing at a faster-than-instant-speed effect, so you may not need priority to do so. --SF
Not MTG: Prismatic Wardrobe, actually. You can remove clothing faster than mana abilities can be played - the preceding sentence was a supposition about the speed at which mana abilities can be played.

Peter: I now have three [Guilty Consciences]. I'm glad you're not Alex.

Nagi: The Internet's down! Launch the ICBMs of CDs.
Context to this: the proposal of an alternative mechanism of delivering data in the event of national emergency caused by a worldwide net outage. Vast bandwidth, albeit high latency; but the Brass Must Have Their Pr0n..

Yawmark: Cause there's nothing worse than getting smacked upside the head with some hurled spotted dick...

Natalia: ... the celebration of the tree kings (wise men) ...
Robert: I wood kid you about the tree kings, I could branch that out into many possibilities but then you wood probably bark at me for being cruel.  So I decided knot to do that.
Pat: You're on a roll today.
Robert: Thanks.  Are you rooting for me?
Chris: You're mean, Rob. Leaf her alone...
Robert: That's just me, being a sap again.
Chris: Well, that won't make you any more poplar with her...
Robert: I hope that was an oak, you son of a beech or I'll kick you right in the walnuts.
Peter: Yeah, Chris, learn to respect your elders.

Image: 46 Robert: Hey, we all have our vices.  Phil smokes, I bite my nails and you think Johnny Depp is a good actor.

Jack: If you're scared of pretzels, I don't think you need a horror film to get the frighteners on.
Context-guessing for this one welcomed...

Neil: I think the card I have most of, except basic land, is MTG: Sol Ring.
With apologies to non-MTG-players, who won't know just how bizarre that sounds.

Image: 46 Stuart: That puts Force of Will in the same bracket as the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

Mike: Programmers write AWK code, butlers kill each other, both keep their jobs.

Lorna: How does the law work when there aren't any telephones?

Spot the new father:
Stuart R: This young baby is five months pregnant.

Stuart R: In Asia, forty-five million children are in labour.

Adam: The thing I like the most about defamation is the Defamation of Women Act 1891.
Lorna: What does this tell us about Adam?
Phil: Lorna wants a government which casts aspersion on the sexual conduct of women.

~ From Slashdot, for those who recognise the general pattern. The context was an article on fusion which referred to "a sun in a jar".
Spyffe: In Soviet Java, Sun .jars YOU!

Rachel: We have to dance, so you can be evil.

Liesl (typed): So Peter what do you think of our humble adobe.

[On Mother's Day / MotheringSunday?]
Andy Mac: ...RAW and X-cell [the youth groups] will distribute creme eggs, so mothers please raise your hands.
Ben (to Helen [married less than a year]): Now you really want a baby.

Ruth: Why don't the chefs just chop their finger off into it?
This should have been a GuessTheContext?.

Joe: Actually I don't have a problem getting [a keg of beer] into my lap. But then my legs fall asleep. And by then I am too drunk to notice that they are asleep so I tend to ignore it. Then I stand up and immediately fall down. Then everyone claims I am too drunk to have anything more. No one believes it is just my legs. Now that is a problem.

Pat: I'm a termite in my spare time.

Mark: Who would like to do flyering? It doesn't involve elephants, I'm afraid.
No, I don't know what the context was either.

Peter: It's a shame Kai doesn't have a wife who's won an Invitational.
OK, this is a MagicTheGathering quote, but.....why? --SF
(PeterTaylor) I was designing a dance theme deck.

Misheard by Julie and Jenny: He was hidden behind the cereal boxes.

Station announcer at Royston: Due to a signalling error, your train is over here on platform 1 and I'm going potty. ... Apologies for the confusion. I'm now going to shoot myself.

ChrisHowlett: I'd appreciate them putting me on the proje... I didn't just say that.

Sarah: We'd had enough of chasing banks around London.

RageMatrix36?: I don't think bears come equipped with stingers. I mean, if you've got a bear on your arm, getting stung is probably the least of your worries.
Paul: Certainly they don't in Canada. Because of our strong gun legislation, they can't carry anything more powerful than an assault rifle. However bears in Alaska may be armed with Stingers as the "right to arm bears" is taken quite seriously there.

AlexChurchill: Rubbish is in the ear of the beholder.

Hippolyte: Are there any IDEs one should beware of?
tsith: That's a good question - there was this one released by March Software, truly horrid - there you are, coding along, and it's like the darn thing would just stab you in the back. Terrible. I would suggest that you beware of all IDEs of March.

Alex: The astronauts are about to send a sheep into space.
Other Alex: Oh, they're always doing that.

From SlashDot?:
still_cynical: As far as [the police are] concerned, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, you're threatening someone with a duck.

Steve: Why are you playing with my wallet?
Elaine: I've got an itch.

Elaine: It flashed and then there was a nose.

Jenny: My job is trying not to break expensive bits of equipment.

Jenny: I wanted to get rid of skinheads. I've had them from the start of the game.
Tom: I've wanted to get rid of them for longer than that.

Dave: Your chances of getting Cindy Crawford are not high.
Stuart: Certainly not in your local restaurant.

Chris: <checking map> Oh great, you're almost an entire screwdriver's length away.

Chris: It was raining buckets? Talk about environmental pollution.

Peter: The problem could be related to the seagull.
Paul: The one that didn't bark at night?
Joe: Note to self drink more and look for better drugs.

Jenny: Do we have a bomb for Pass the Bomb?
Stephen: Alex.

Robert: Is that Eleanor?
Phil: Yes, she's coming through the pipes.

Toby: What is the plural of "Why Jesus?"?

Steve: The next one's in a week and a half. There are no Sundays between now and then.

Rachael: These two are the most appealing. [Said while selecting "A terrorist attack" and "Gravity" over a number of Apples cards, including most notably "Marriage"]

Alex: I'm not in the habit of haunting people at the top of rollercoasters.

[Sally reveals the card "Whips"]
Alex: As opposed to chains?
Sally: Well these things can become mundane, so...

Mike: Gargling moths, an impressive talent, if a little cruel.
No-one will guess the context to this one, but you're welcome to try...

Peter: I may not attract squirrels, but AFAIC I'm still insane.

Jos: Grolschituri te salutant

Kenton: There's always Tesco Economy cocaine.

Steve: Do you have personal experience of oranges?
Kenton: I do have experience of oranges.
Steve: They make orange pot noodles?

Chris: I always say what I think. That's why I talk so little.

Jack: A French port.
Edwin: Dover?

Edwin: A place where small children are stored.

Steve: Rachael's usually quite good for sock-based entertainment.

Rachael: You
Peter: read
Kenton: these.
Steve: Gerbils?

Steve: We sang a song about that, didn't we?
Alex: What, sexual sin?

Gywn: How do you minister to people who aren't married?

Neil: Do you collect dogs? Like pressed flowers or something?
Edwin: You'd need a bigger press...

Jack: Before the Reformation, we used to live in Newbury.

Rachael: I spent last night programming instead of writing fudge.

Image: 46 Alex: You can just imagine 16th century academics commissioning a tailor to make duck-sized gowns, and then chasing around after the ducks to try to put them on.

Steve: Are you or have you been a Communist?
Jack: Yes.
Alex: Then you get the green card.

Elaine: There's not much between Hiroshima and my mind.

Kenton: I think it will be the promiscuous lollipops.
Steve, on hearing this quoted: Is that a pop band?

Memo: Remember it is your responsibility to put your dirty cups in the dishwasher and not your colleagues.

Alex: It's like a chameleon being used as a ball in a slow game of Pong.

Toby: You don't need to know the Arabic for "concubine" to preach the gospel.

Phil: What's the modern equivalent of "concubine"?
Kenton: "Secretary".

Matt: Boundary Concubine?!

Elaine: We're going to have fun on the website getting the right people married.

Steve: My poor old slug: I haven't played with it for days.

Serge: I can see why someone would covet an ox which glows in the dark.

Dave: So we're hoping that no-one ever leaves one of the companies we've sold our software to.

Alex: I'm not too keen on being left in the fridge overnight.

Alex: The entire world is laminated.

Alex: Are you suggesting that Batman has an entire ecosystem in his cape?

Peter: Tie him up and play Settlers of Catan tantalisingly out of reach.

Edwin [to Alex]: So how can we arrange for you to be possessed by a snail?

Stuart: We've taken the wheel away, so Alex has gone back to sleep.

Max: The downside of better design....is that when you make the code for a web application cleaner with OO so that you have only have one version/place for a particular set of logic etc it makes it far easier for the client to break the whole site by making changes to that one place.

Mike: Do you think when this app gets audited the auditors will complain about a class called DeIncompentMoronsStream?? (sic)

Preacher quotes / church notices

Keith Butler (CICCU President at the time): What advice can you give us to understand Daniel?
Liam Goligher: Read Romans. Romans is easier to understand than Daniel.

Andy Lawrence, on serving on the setup team: You don't need a degree to do it, so even if you're an undergrad you've got no excuse.

Stuart R: The Romans had spent many years working out the best way to kill people. I need a couple of volunteers at this point.

Stuart R: What do I do for the rest of my life? How do I get from Petersborough to Grimsby?

Matt: Whilst in all other areas of the church we encourage multiplication, we don't encourage multiplication of headlice.
Matt: How do you do that notice sensibly? I mean, come on!

Stuart R [miming painting]: Yes, I'm a Christian and, oh, whoops, I've got it all over me again.

Nick: Make sure you drink out of the baptism pool that way.

At the end of a training course, David asks the attendees whether they feel it's achieved its aim.
Matt: What was the aim of it?
Unknown [whispering]: Clever: throw it back on him.
David: What do you think the aim was?
General laughter among those who heard the whisper.

Image: 46 Nick [pointing to his own head]: Would you follow the example of someone wearing one of these?

Nick: Now, I'm conscious that an eight foot foam snake may not look like a faith challenge.

Dave Devenish: When I saw outside that this is Charlie's Angels, I got my scriptwriters busy working on a link... They concluded that I'm the charlie, and you're the angels.

Image: 46 P.J. Smyth: If you want to have a great marriage, practise now by loving the unloveable.

Image: 46 J. John: My son asked me, "Dad? Before you married Mum, who told you how to drive?"

~ J. John: God owns all the doughnuts.

Matt: I call it an engineering phrase, but that's because it's a phrase, I'm an engineer, and I use it.

Matt: She was living on a ground floor window.

David: Nick has been preaching on Ephesians, Ephesians 4. I think he's got half-way through the first word.

Dave Holden: [At this point in the story, he and Dave Stroud are queueing for a capuccino] Dave Stroud said "Look, that queue's shorter". "Oh no you don't," I said. "Why not?" he asked. So I explained about queues and the grace of God.

Kenton: Now, I happen to have a trillion pounds.

Tony Thompson: Our kids were still at home, 'cause they were older then.

Philippe: And if you punch me in the face I'll turn the other cheek... I don't need volunteers to test that.

Phil: My batteries are being changed and put back in my pocket.

David: I'm looking down on you from an even greater height than usual.

David: We're a church that, er, has just knocked over the water.

[Can't remember name - from HT IIRC]: Praise the Lord! Amen. See, I'm a Pentecostal trapped in an Anglican's body.

Mike: Hey, brothers and sisters, you need to kick each other.

Nick: I seem to have lost my vision.

Kenton, on preaching: Smash a few things up, that's half the job really.

Tony Thompson: And those of you who Nick has wrongly accused of being drunk, I don't know if you responded as graciously as Hannah.

Nick: Here I have my theological cat... Nothing personal, but for the purpose of this illustration this block is made up of pigeons.

Nick: I'm not wanting to lay down the law about handbags.

Paul: ...the blessed prate of righteousness...
I think this is a true Spoonerism, in that you could take it to be a long-winded way of describing a sermon.
I may be being dumb, but a Spoonerism for... what? --CH
Breastplate. --PT

Phil: When Jesus said, "Follow me!" he didn't mean on Twitter.

Dancing quotes

Clive: And the attack with walnuts!

Clive [teaching a cha-cha figure]: Release hold of the right leg.

Clive: Am I a man or a lady now?

Clive: We'll try it with just the feet first, and then we'll put you in a barrel.

Clive: Then we'll put your bodies on.

David: The woman between us was rather good.

Clive: What's that posh place just outside Cambridge?
Peter: St. Ives.
Clive: That's it.
David: I thought you meant the crematorium.

Paul: You don't have heels and toes because you're going backwards.

Clive: She's going to come next week in a tinsel g-string.

PaulWright: Get rid of my girlfriend; replace her with the Eye of Sauron.

Linda: I was sticking out of your back.

DonCarson? quotes recorded by PeterTaylor, 15 Mar 2003

Assume there remains any modicum of orthodoxy among us... [This addressing a large number of evangelicals - the kind of people, in fact, who would go to hear Don Carson speak]

[Galatians 3 describes the Law] with this expression that everyone is taught in Sunday school, a paidagogos.

Image: 46 When I make mistakes ordinarily, I make mistakes. When I make mistakes with jetlag, I can blame it on jetlag. It's a convenient arrangement: I fly as often as possible...

[On a malfunctioning tie-mike] This was a problem the apostle Paul never had to face.

I want to say to both those streams, "A plague on both your houses". In a nice Christian way.

Image: 46 Don't you ever think that? "Why don't we have prophecies that are a bit more irrefutable?" So I have prepared one...

King James-ese was popular in the 6th century BC.

Put yourself in Pilate's place. "I will not wash my hands in that water! I will not!"

I haven't made a Universe recently.

Daniel Strange: I shall attempt to be a decent chairman.
Don Carson: As opposed to an indecent chairman?

Donated lecturer quotes

Donated by Jack:
Interesting. I was in all these lectures, and missed all of these quotes. --CH

Forster (Set Theory): ...so there's no contextual way of disambiguating.

Forster (Set Theory): We pervert the i'th variable by pi[sub]sigma(i).

Forster (Set Theory): That's the kinkiest of the preservation theorems.

Lickorish (Knot Theory): Everyone good at homology? Dead silence. Good.

Intentional quotes

Not necessarily that the author wanted to be quoted, but by committing themselves to the written word they indicate that they have considered their choice of words to some extent.

Howard Tayler: The profound, causal absurdity of a universe in which a single frame of reference can be used to describe events light-years apart pales in comparison to the absurdity of a universe in which starships remove their pants at the speed of light

MarkGottlieb?: As an additional cost to play Endless Whispers, remove your sanity from the game.

Laszlo Jamf: Ridiculing Country Music lyrics is like saying Samoans are fat... And if there are any Country Music-loving Samoans reading the forum, I apologize. I meant to insult you once, not twice.

99of9: Did you mean to include chinese sleep-peeling pigs called Julia in your question?

From a geometry text:
"Left" is defined as the non-dominant side of the majority of the Homo sapiens sapiens, absent the possibility of a Mathematical definition.

First Great Western train "customer host": We do, however, have a travelling chef on board offering toasted sandwiches, the all day breakfast and cheeseburgers.
Chef?! Surely they jest.

Baron_Sengir_: And another thing, why do I keep getting those damn Azorius Senate discs in the mail? I DON'T WANT TO UPGRADE TO AZORIUS SENATE VERSION 6.0!

Surely unintentional quotes from other sources

ISBN 0007101732 The Paris Option: The survivors crawl to their feet. Amazingly, most are still alive.

Reuters: France exported 123 tonnes of foie gras to the United States last year, of which 4-5 percent went to the United States.

DavidBeckham?: I would like to start by spanking the sponsors.


BBC newsreader: That's a long shot just in case you don't know what a pyramid looks like.

CategoryComedy, CategoryQuotes

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