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This is... random inserts of things I've noted down, ideas I've had and quotes I've overheard, collected over a period of time.  Mainly aimed with half a mind at RPG usage.  Still, some of it is just plain funny, and maybe some of it is usable.  Bear in mind that the humour is mostly MontyPython esque.

Some of this may already exist on /Quotes

As a tip, if anyone else wants to collect strange things like these, I typically just insert them into my writing as I think them, marking them as seperate with corner braces (that is, an 'L' shape at the top right and bottom left of the segment.)

ZeroWing-Zero.  Or for the bishier palatte: Zero-WingWing?.  Brain hurting.  Urge to dust off GameMaker rising...

Military -> Paramilitary
Legal -> Paralegal

If you bite the bullet, have a healthy jaw

A table that sits up and purrs when you stroke it

Jackzilla and Jackuzzi!  (run cartoon music)

Liftdogs;  Like sheepdogs.  "Come by, shaft four!  Lay down, counterweight!"
Now turning this into a game.  Vitenka/LiftDogs

Good morning!
{Audience, scattered murmers} ...
Well, aren't we all awake this morning?
{Audience, great roar} NO!

Chipping Cleghorn

A murder announced in the paper (that's fro one of the more dire AgathaChristie? stories)

Aircraft carrier, harrier jumpjets - VTOL? tiggers.

Parrot and chips.

Theologians disprove the existence of mathematicians.

Mobile phones - good because you hear more strange accents on trains.

The concept of 'action with no actor' or 'something happenning which is not' - mundanely leaves in te wind or the turning point of a function.

Spanish lessons in the loo.


A man wearing a "Nobody knows I'm a lesbian" T-Shirt

Next episode previews:  They should all end with 'duh'.

Cricket bat wrapped up like a ceremonial sword.

If you want to have your cake and eat it too -- steal two cakes.

Comets are like cats.  They both have tails and gcan only be seen in sunny spots.

Vegas game - Rothschilde are leaving the gold industry.  (This is proibably outdated in its usefulness for UA oddness now)

Black coat, White hat.  Whoa!

Paranoia trek.  (Or Star-noia.)

Saint Olef.  Find his writings.  "The Kings mirror"

Cruise of the lonesome October.  "Is this your first cruise?"  (Combine Night of the... with horror on the orient express)

Netrunner + rm2k, dreamsmush

Paganism in Burley, New Forest.  WHY are there no fewer than six shops selling crystals and witches and such in a village of fewer than 20 buildings?  Seriously - anyone know?

Luna and Dmitri own a bar...

"Using traditional materials and techniques - materials and techniques we'd rather never use again"

WereWolf?.  MisterBurns? (of TheSimpsons?) runs Pentex.  At the end of every episode, Gaia turns up and says "Well done!  I've brought Pizza!"  Kinda a lighter BuffytheVampireSlayer?.

War in a future city.  Soldiers surrender by dropping their jamming, allowing EyeOfGod? to see their id, who can ensure they play dead (or make them stop playing)

Yorkshire accent:  "Get orff mah train!"

Get out, get the fireteams out and stay out.
In case of fire, return from here.
Corporation fire signs, where 'fire' means 'with a gun'.

Narrotor box: "Whoa!  How can I ever regain your trust?"

Who's Ladesh, and why's she making everyone so horny?
Vitenka: Damn!  I can't remember the pun behind this one.

Showing off oyur hydroponics expertise:  A Christmas tree including full root system in a clear glass tank at the mall.

A roof full of pigeons - every other roof completely deserted.

The lamp post goes dark.  You move on.  That one goes dark too.

ICBM, software bug resets target to 0,0 and off it goes to the north pole.

Two 'grannies' in a hair salon, discussing face and handcreams:
"Oooh, I use SnakeOil."
{Chorus} "Ooooh!"

Miners waltzing as they work, to the music of an accordian.  (And as an aside, isn't accordian music underground really eerie?)  The Skipper comes in (is the leader of a gang of miners called Skipper?) and yells: "Get back to work, you sorry lot!" etc.
The miners protest, grumble and so forth for a bit, bantert-  and finally acquiesce.
Dropping their tools, they dive into a hearty foxtrot.

With much whaling and gnashing of teeth, Ahab finally...

Names:  Cnute and Gun.

FolkMusic?.  Pronounced 'volk-music'.

I come warily, I go rapidly.  Your territory is strong.

Re: GM? milk feed:
Wait.  We import grain?
When we have a large surplus?
(Again, Vitenka forgets where the humour in this one came form)

A slew of political figures - minor sons of nobles, murdered, with no obvious connection.  It's the disfigured spymaster whom they mocked whilst boys, finally taking his revenge.

Books for the book god.

Wake up and smell the Broccoli-nyo.
(Oddly, everything short of the 'nyo' was an actual advert for coffee, seen on the side of a bus.  But I could not help pronouncing it with the nyo...)

Nobilis / WackyRaces? crossover.


Travel rune: TWA.  (Vas-Cor-Twa?)

Life is terrible, but death is not so good either.
For the RussianProverbs? page?

Beatnik Boutique - free consultations

The awooga device.

80 years as peer of the realm, and all I got was this lousy park bench.

Cemetary rabits - eat flowers, looks like the heads have been cut with shears.  What are they really an excuse for?


A large packet of "For internal use only" stickers.

Conversation is meat.  Who are hunters, and who arte scavengers?

Stance of the sexy bitch.  (Exalted, methinks)

"The war can't wait"  -- slogan?

Not so much a guild as an ... understanding.

Tobler-Oni.  A small triangular demon.

Be careful who you give permission to beat you up "In your dreams"

They're justified.  And they are ancient.  And they drive an IceCream? van. 
Here comes the Sdummer sun, to burn my skin. / Winter rain, to cleanse myself.
(Actual lyrics, no less...  I'm not the only insane person around here)

See a problem, fix it up; all day long you'll have good luck.  (Sign hung in engineering)

We'd have him put away, except for a technicality
What technicality?
Well, technically, he didn't do it.

The is no 'I' in "You nuked Ecuador"

I'd like a different room, please.  And my name is now Smith.

War in heaven, conquer the gated realms.  Same game in hell, mix Christian and Greek.

Repeat in a SingSong? voice:
Kumquats, present from my Father.
Making a palavare
Getting up and
on my

Glinton Peakirk

Corporate psychoology - the study of what another company will do.

Catnews:  The new film has been released today.  Angelina Jolie satrs in: "Angelina Jolie in a wet lycra bodysuit." - the smash sequel to "Angelina Jolie in tight leather shorts."

Yes, my leet master.  </Vader?>

I'm going, lightly Lara.  </Queen?>

Chibi futur to force the plot along.

Small boy cycles past, yelling: "My name's Shitface."

The Welsh National Opera

Something other than red as the colour of anger

An asteroid clump as a second moon

Double "longest night" (periodicity like that of the tides in the Solent)

Saints day celebrations

In Frome, what fills the role of Ghost, mythic animals etc.?

Pigtails are the sign of the devil.

A ferret shaped like an elf.

Thanks for rubbing my hat.

Rework occupying a library and learnbing ballet on the reasoning "There's no one else gonna say I'm doing it wrong and I figure in ten years someone will want to know what it used to be."

The speed of light through Zinc.

Highly stylised graffiti, by an expert artist, that after a bit of looking at it, reads "Test"

A four legged dog swinging a bola and chasing its tail.

Bonsai trees growing in the fire buckets.

Nana: Stop picking at it!  (Walks over and picks at it herself)

Neutrino detector heavy water tank used as an early alert passive scanner (near future)

I could kill you, but then I'd have to tell you.

Seen on a leaflet in a jewellers: 
A Diamond is forever.
Please take one.

Pleasance, Hooklam and Nix.

Barcode on a bench.

An animal that attacks only drunks.

The decision support group.  ("I'm Bob... Hi Bob!")

Fish spoon.  (Like a fish fork)

Phone that always rings just as you pick it up.  (Except if you're trying to demonstrate this behaviour)

Europa is covered in mice.
So that's where ChuChuRocket was headed.

A Golden Panther.  Coloured purple.

Troon! Mr James.

A crescent moon shop sign - but it's not actually a shop.

(This is from a 'Cmabrdige ghost tour')
St Marks eve (apr 24) A dark figure crouched catlike on the top of the arch, staring into the overgrown graveyard.
Ghosts of the parish that are destined to die that year file through the gate.
In wikklesford, though - it's the ghosts of people destined to marry that year.

Max head-sheep.

Exploding porta-loos.

A riot class police cruiser.  Electric wire, spikes, gun-turrets etc.
On the back, the warning sign: "Warning - Horses."

Board-game ROMs

Bertha T.O.M. theme, AMV to Mahoramatic or similar

"I am Imitil Monaya.  Your father killed me.  Prepare to die."
"I have watched the princess Bride a million times.  In is inconCEIVable that I should lose."

A car in burnished 'heat changin' steel - no number plates

Wolves versus door-to-door salesmen

Hazmat suits in a canteen

"Kind of like an evil Rubiks Cube"

Two girls, late at night, rollerblading up the wrong side of the road - a huge sports-bag slung between them.

Ramraiding Toys-R-Us

Attack sfx: SPLORK!

Oui!  J'ai desolE!  J'ai une ninny totale!  Mais...

J'accuse!  You should have thought of that earlier.

IdEe?!  I have a cunning plan:  The Police!

"This is a prank call.  Clearly you aren't shot."

A flying HGV fails to flatten its driver.

The University is selling fake degrees.

The authors family.

Ley lines - also called Dragon-lines.

Lions.  Yay!

Putting on a production.

The six arrive - the fire lights their eyes...

Lions in the play - also organised punishement, he wakes up in the lion cage at the zoo.

Look out behind you.

Sheep.  They're a BIT like bears

Pleghm is the official language of Belgium.


Nursery rhymes - Bobby Shaftoe

Hazel Grove

Scarface Klaus is a GREAT name.

Page 8.10  Full page contents:  [A ghost]

Later on, someone DOES steal it.

A letter of resignation that you did not write is accepted.

Life altering coffee

Gothic sensationalism.  (A style of journalism?)

Assasination politics


Aunty:  Cup of Dynamite, daery?

A zebra crossing that leads up to a sheer wall (Cantabrigians should know that one)

A tape - which does not fit their machine.  (Just an obscure foreign format?)

Ilfracombe.  Proper British camping weather.

A stuffed dinner jacket suspended from a bunch of helium balloons.

Fire one shot past them.
Smile.  Duck back.
Both hiding behind pillars.
Tense pause.
Both: "Have you got any of those small cartridges?"

Insult the parked car taking pictures - when it drives off, it's tires have been nailed.

A video marked "Play me".  About 30 minutes long.

Rocking horse statue legend (?!)

Boor driven off.

Statue outside the town hall mentioned.

Traffic lights fail.

Telephone system goes down.

Someone OTHER than the police handing out parking fines etc.  No one comments.

On wednesday, a completely different newspaper gets delivered.

An uncomfortable silence.

Given the choice, he takes power.  No sermons.

Kill them all.

Tai Chi

From futur-TV:  "Jesus said give your money to the poor.  Not some of it, all of it.  Right now.  So that's what I do.  I give all of my money to the poor.  In exchange for drugs."
From futur-TV:  "That which does not kill us makes us stronger.  'Frosties' for example."
From futur-TV (in full opera voice):  "Everybody hates me.  Including you.  Even everybody who likes me, hates me.  Including you."
From futur-TV (again full opera):  "I was playing poker... But my face, was playing, Snap."
From futur-TV:  "Welcome to the future!  It's broken."
(Additional useful search term: SImon Munnery)

Blow up the airport

The area codes change.  With or without warning

Two cars passing each other stop.  The drivers converse out the windows breifly, and then they drive on.

A tape of dying animals.

Don't become a god.  You end up not existing most of the time.

You'll forget this.

It never hurts anyone.  That's good to see.

Bomb at mobile phone mast.

The Jade Puma

Old couple at back door:  "Dragon!  Here dragon dragon..."

Motorcycle cavalcade of learner drivers at 2am

A JCB parked in someones back garden

Spirit trooper

(Not one I saw) A dead deer, at the kerbside - wearing a string of beads round its neck.

An electricity substation box; with a CatFlap?.  (Presumably it was soe kind of punch panel for cabling, but it looked like a CatFlap? and there's surely some ideas involving electric kittens to be had here.)

I saw a JCB (Well, a digger, probably some other company, I'm rambling.) marked "Command Control".  CnC? JCBs?  Well, why not.  Why not go the whole hog and have C5 battlefield command systems, small units of builders and contractors linked in via radio and updating their status - electronically calling in crane support.  Think about what happens if the various 'electronic solider' projects succeed - police is an obvious next step, but why NOT construction and maybe conventions/carnivals. (Catering corps!)

A man walks into a doctors surgery, saying "I thought maybe you'd just want to look at someone healthy for a change."

(song) "There were rats, rats, in little asbestos hats, in the hall; In the walls." {repeat until they fix it}

This is James; my... Magcician's magician.  (Jeeves and Wooster with magic)

Flamboyant (n): The substance which holds hot-air balloons aloft.

A sign saying "Trap this way"

The players are arrested for a crime they did not commit.
They are then freed by the same people that committed the crime, in order to cause a distraction in the guard.

Black Blacker Blackest - counter counter counter data mining
Also, Black-on-Black space shooter joke flash.  No need for art...

A council meeting on an alien ship debating first contact with earth.  Multiple different aim, orders which are centuries out of date and what a wonderful opportunity to study a civilsation pre-space travel (their federation is aeons old)

Revenge of the curse of the mummies tomb - players are standard B-movie characters, and each has a hidden number.  On that scene number (maybe stack the deck?) the player has to get the character killed.  After which they take some control of the mummy.

As a pure game, the interesting bit is staying near enough to the dangers that you can get killed when it's your time, but far enough that the mummy can't get you too early.

A system which runs on interrupts "And you do that until..." rather than scenes.

[Shadowrun light] - Now with "Mark V muthering great tank".  Which made me giggle a little.

To Bass or Not To Bass, that is the question.  What happens when heavy music is invented in the days of Merrie Olde Englande?  Not sure where to go with it, but the imagery makes me giggle.

"A room to swing a cat in".  (top down arcade game, yo-yo style attacks.)  Mainly for the groans the title evokes.

"1000 nuclear weapons.  Go."  Do as much damage as possible.  Kinda like defcon, but with more emphasis on the long-term damage.  Can you get 100% casualties?

Siri proves that voice recognition has arrived.  Which plausibly opens up Text-based adventure games.  Needs a decent "Of these things you could have meant, this one is possible in context" parser, but should be possible.

Shot counter (as per recent WhiteWolf games) in a BoardGame.

A game in which you start with all your VPs, and must spend them to buy goods to stay in the game (trying to find combos of other goods that means spending fewer than the natural spend)

/AwfullyMagicalThings?.  Alchemists + AwfullyGreenThingsFromOuterSpace + XComBoardGame? + NightInTheLonesomeOctober?

You start out not knowing what things are - though you have hints (green/amber/red zone) (how late it is) as to how dangerous they probably are.  You move round and reveal them - finding evil critters and ingredients (and defeating critters for more ingredients).  Ingredients are (programmatically, there is a decodable key, different for each game) revealed to have effects; combine to make stuff to defeat critters and open/close the gate.  Try to team up with your fellow openers/closers without being quite sure which is who.

So, TIL? then (omitting a lot of non-idea-relevant stuff) when the stone of scoon/destiny was stolen/liberated:
  1. They broke it
  2. It was guarded by Gypsies
And then Elizabeth was crowned.  The obvious conclusion is that she's not legitimately/destined the queen of Scotland, and someone else is.

Probably not a big enough idea for its own plot; but an interesting subplot for some modern-weird thing?

A casual point&Click adventure game, where you start with some items in your inventory - and every item can be used to solve every puzzle.  Play through without failure, up to n! different times.  (Though only n^2 actual different scenes to see).

SeeAlso: /BadIdeas

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