2012 "Hopefully, next time I see you, you'll be in two pieces. In the nicest possible way." -Melanie, to a heavily pregnant Liz
Susy, in Articulate: "You throw it and it comes back." Vic: "Kangaroo."
2011 "She's called something like Bethany but not ... something Welshy-biblical." -Liz
"Your baby's not walking yet - her feet are too small." -Shoe shop assistant, to Helen, whose baby has been walking for about six months
2010 "We have another Bagpuss. I told a room full of friends we have two Bagpi, and they all chorused 'Bagpodes!'" -Sarah W
"You're looking really ... babyish." -Patricia, commenting on Rachael's pregnancy
Rachael, reading about washable nappies: "Ah - you can hold it in the toilet and flush it, to get the poo off. And then put it in the washing machine." Alex: "The baby?" Rachael: "The nappy."
I laugh. By the way, if you want to know anything about reusables, I think Chel read up on pretty much every available option of nappies beforehand - and Annabel's been in reusables ever since she was a few days' old. Oh, and she has a good go at getting in the washing machine without needing any help - she hasn't flushed herself in the toilet yet... ;-) --CH
"There's a lot of chickens-and-eggs involved in church planting, so you never quite know who's laying who ... as it were." -Julian
Ha! I sometimes wonder what Julian would think if he came across all these quotes --RobHu
I think Amy D showed him some of them ages ago. He's only identified by first name though. --Rachael
Patricia: "Rock-a-bye baby, in Rachael's tum." Alex: "When the waters break, the baby will come."
"Her eyes are starting to drift off." -Susy
"Yay, Mummy's going to cook my heart." -Alex
"I wouldn't dress up as a catgirl even to get a MacBook?." -Alex
"I was expecting some food. Or maybe some attractive people." -Rachael, after dinner at Alex's aunt and uncle's, judging a round of ApplesToApples
Rachael, in a game: "Name something you want to become, beginning with G." Alex: "A grandfather." Rachael: "There you go, Bethany ... no pressure or anything..."
"We should try Bethany on toast." -Rachael, discussing upcoming weaning ideas
2009 Alex: "There's a puzzle called the Chief Executive. It's more interesting than..." Alan: "Most chief executives?"
Alan: "Churchy things always happen on Thursdays. No ... On Thursdays, churchy things always happen."
Rachael (when the cats had to be kept in): "We use the porch as an airlock." Rob: "So there's no air outside?" Rachael: "OK, we use the porch as a cat-lock." Rob: "There's no cats outside?" Rachael: "Yeah." Rob: "There's no cats outside?" Rachael: "OK, we use the porch as an our-cats-lock."
Terry: "How do they make it [chicken tikka masala] so red? I thought they were only allowed to use a certain amount of food colouring." James: "That rule only applies per reheating."
Jason (indicating a bug called "Two annoyances and a Java exception"): "What's this?" Chris: "Sounds like a very geeky movie."
"I grew up in Bournemouth - well, I say grew up..." -Alex (and he didn't even mean it how it sounds)
Ohhhh, yes. I was also assuming that "brownie and cheese" had to be something non-literal, but I suppose mascarpone or ricotta... --CH
It wasn't a brownie and cheese on the same plate - he was taking them both to work to be eaten on separate occasions. --Rachael
Miriam: "I don't like melted ice cream." Alex: "I thought you said: I don't like Mel to die screaming."
"Actually, right-click is the right-hand button." -Middle-aged man to middle-aged woman as they cycled past me
Rachael: "Can you have a subset of a mass-noun thing like a quiche? A set is a collection of discrete items." Alex: "But you can have an infinite set, like the complex plane. So you just have to map the quiche onto the complex plane."
Rachael: "I'm not hungry yet." Alex: "Me neither." Rachael: "But if we're having something with sweet potato in, we should start cooking before we want to eat. ... Because, unlike most foods, sweet potato can't travel back in time."
"There's nothing wrong with taking a walk through the sun." -Alex
"Were-zeppelins reproducing by mitosis is the most natural explanation." -Alex
"Mathematically, there's no such thing as a Pentium IV." -Alex
Rachael: "It's one of those things that you buy and it just sits in your fridge and goes off." Alex: "Like a bomb!"
Rachael (to Alex): "That's the second time this week you've mixed [Amy and me] up." Amy: "It's because I'm wearing Rachael's trousers." Rachael (explaining to Alex and Rob): "We had a clothes-swapping session today." Amy: "Well, not exactly a clothes-swapping session, since I didn't bring any clothes..."
"What, if anything, is a fish? Discuss." -Essay question on Cambridge BioNatSci? paper that my colleague Sarah took several years ago
"It's really difficult to see the point of a knife." -Rachael
Patricia: "I want to snorkel in the sea!" Kate (?): "You want to snog Lyndsey?"
Peter (in Articulate): "What you would do to fish." Kathryn: "Hit them."
Alex, explaining Kahuna: "You're two rival wizards trying to take possession of South Sea islands ... and steal their tomatoes." Rachael: *is foolish enough to look puzzled* Alex: "What? Haven't you heard of a Kahuna tomata?"
"Come to London! We need doctors who speak English really badly!" -Cathy
"I'd better take off the '2 for £3' sticker, or people will know they're not home-made." -Sally, on tubs of ice cream
"Are you going to contact tech support and tell them your nipple's leaving greasy smudges on your laptop screen?" -Darren to Sean
Rachael: "Polly won a..." Alex: "Cracker?"
"You have perfect wedding hair. I think you should get married at least once a year." -Heike, wedding hairdresser
Alex: "It smells a little doggy in here." Vic: "That's because there is a little doggy in here."
Steve: "The Playstation 3 runs Linux." Kate (utterly shocked): "The Playstation 3 is ICT?"
Rachael: "My novel is about super-intelligent babies who know everything and manipulate the adults around them." Steve: "That's not fiction!"
Rachael: "Alex took his keyboard to Florida." Stephen: "On a romantic weekend away."
Tiffer: "So they're naked in that they don't have any clothes, not naked in that they're naked." Rachael: "Yes."
"In Opposite World, I'm winning." -Tiffer
"I was wondering if I could call the children of Hillary Clinton 'Positive', 'Negative' and 'Neutral'." -Sarah
"We got given a CD by Daniel Bedingfield as a Christmas present." -Nick
"There are a lot of good reasons for breaking off an engagement, but 'my engagement ring gives me RSI' isn't one of them." -Sally
Shay: "What's your name, again?" Annette: "Annette. ... You always ask me that." Shay: "And you always get it right."
"Sorry the kitchen's a bit of a bomb sty." -Patricia
"Howard unveils Tory asylum plans" -BBC headline
"The fish stampeded towards us ... can fish stampede?" -Amy K
Ed: "She's had a bit of a rapprochement with the boyfriend." Chris: "A bit of a Mount Rushmore?"
Patricia: "Here's to heterosexual blokes! Bring 'em on!" (later) Amy: "Patricia was toasting heterosexual blokes." Chip: "What?!? Oh, that kind of toasting."
"Any more accidents would be very welcome. Then we can fill up the accident book." -Tim, head of department
"The 39 Articles affirm that God exists. More likely than not, your local vicar does too, but don't take it for granted." -BBC news magazine article
"I can't really see the point of hollow chocolate eggs." -Amy D
Jeff: "It's an empty cross, to represent Easter Monday." Rachael: "Sunday." Jeff: *looks puzzled* Rachael: "Well, I suppose the cross was still empty on Easter Monday..."
"Bring all your other racquets - tennis, skiing, whatever." -Patricia
"Tonight [Make Poverty History] is going to make television history." -Email from Make Poverty History (Can't tell how intentional the ambiguity is. Would be nice if they did make television history...)
Rachael (on an item in a clothes shop): "Wow, this is nice." Patricia: "Yeah. And it's good value for money, too." Rachael: "Oh, how much is it?" Patricia: "I don't know."
"I often see gloves cycling round Cambridge in winter." -Alex
Dad: "Mum wants to give you two some petrol money." Alex: "Petrol money?! What for?"
Steve: "It's like having an outboard motor on the punt when Kenton's punting." Jack: "Is that the speed, or the noise?"
"I would be disturbed if you could eat aleph-nought ice cream." -Chris, to Alex
"This is lethal! I ought to feed it to Mike." -Alex
Alex: "Would you like a plantation or a quarry?" Jenny: "A plantation. Quarries are grey."
Rachael: "I compiled it and it found 2809 errors..." Tim M: "Oh, that's okay. If you'd said more than 3000 I'd have been worried."
"No one's got around to fixing it yet, because it was written in Perl. By Brian. Who had long hair. So it's long-haired Perl." -Tim M
"They've got more guns than you could throw hot dinners at." -Max K
Stephen: "What happened about the Michael Jackson child sex case?" Rachael: "He got off." Ed: "Yeah I know, but what happened about the case?"
Alex: "When he, I and Emma organised 'Ignite the Passion' ..." Rachael: "I thought you said 'When he ironed Emma...'"
Alex: "If any of you are into board games, you'd be welcome to come to my house - where Jenny and Stephen used to live - on Tuesdays..." John: "Where did they live the rest of the week?" Alex: "I didn't like to ask..."
"Hooray for memory leaks! Keep them coming!" -Gina
Stu: "Has it been fully QA'ed and everything?" Tim: "Yeah, we moved it from the QA In directory to the QA Out directory, so I think it's done."
"There's not much room for creativity in my job ... you'll be pleased to know." -Mark (doctor)
"In the name of Jesus I speak to all sickness and infirmity, and I say 'begone!' to the glory of God." -Nick
"You don't usually talk about yourself in the third person. Your mum does, however." -Rachael
"Don't you think it's funny how they always have planes hanging around at airports?" -Gina
Tim: "Sean wants to buy his girlfriend hair straighteners for Christmas." Ben: "Hair strainers? What, for straining hair out of your drink?"
Ray (playing Articulate): "Graceful white bird that swims in the water..." Stuart: "Penguin!"
Peter: "I'm curious to know what you think 'the most common animal on the plains of North America before about 1830' is." Stuart: "Bison." Peter: "Oh ... that kind of plains."
(PeterTaylor) My question didn't have a date, and was closer to "What did you say the most common animal on planes to North America is?"
"Let's go round to Ady's and ming." -Patricia
"Patricia's arrived, and Tiff's taken her away to get her clothes off." -Rachael
"He's the most unpleasant person in the school. And I wouldn't say that about many people." -John C
"I don't see why you shouldn't put your elbow in a pie." -Stephen
Rachael: "I got given a tract." Stephen: "A tractor?"
"The people were a real mixture - half Chinese, half Indian and the rest were Malaysian." -Patricia
Joy: "How many cats do your parents have?" Alex: "Usually six; at one point, eleven..." Steve: "1.11 cats?"
"Is this edible?" -Alex, taking an ice cream from those on offer at the May Ball
"Zebra drowning." -Alex S, suggesting a water sport beginning with Z in a game of Pazazz
"It should be banned under the Geneva Convention." -Matthew V on [Set]
"Who needs words... when you have the sky?" -Patricia
"I'm feeling really in love today - I just don't know with who." -Patricia
"They hired a helicopter and flew all his wife over." -Patricia
Stephen (on Patricia's skirt) "It's a bit insubstantial." Ed: "It's a bit Mrs Thatcher?"
Stephen: "If I ever had a stag night, I'd just play board games." Rachael and Patricia: "Can I come?"
"Hi Alan, don't step on the slaves. I mean colonists. From Puerto Rico." -Alex
Debbie: "Not only do I have a URL on my apple, I have a code to enter on the website. I wonder what I get?" Linda: "A worm?"
"Do clocks still go clockwise in France?" -Chip, somewhat fazed by the custom of driving on the right
Ed: "There's been a thief!" Jeff: "No, someone's just tidied up." Ed: "That's worse. I can understand a thief."
"If I get locked out, lock me in." -Jenny
From a memo at work: "Please photocopy/inform all staff in your department."
"Sorry, we've discontinued them. They were part of our Christmas range." -Shop assistant, 18th December
Lucy: "Could we have less bass?" Bassist: "I wasn't playing." Lucy: "What was that low note? ... Oh, sorry, it was me."
Kathryn: "In America, Marion's a man's name, it's not a woman's name at all." Patricia: "I know a man called Marion. Oh no, that's Mario. Actually, he's not called Mario, he's called Stan. His neighbour's called Mario."
"You know how I'm usually dappy? Well, now it's tripled by ten." -Patricia
Chip: "If I ever played at Wembley, I'd make people deaf." Ed: "You'd have to kick the ball very loudly."
"I was quite scared, so I fell asleep." -Patricia
"Philip was one of the first ever fellows at Girton ... as a man." -Lenore
"If God had meant us to work, he would have given us a work ethic." -Stephen
"I don't have anything against people who are 27, I just feel sorry for them." -Patricia
Stephen: "The thing about randomly pulling people in a club..." Patricia: "Aaagh!!!! I wouldn't pull people in a club!! I'd pull them in a pub."
Fiona: "They eat guinea pigs in Chile." Mikie: "Do they?" Chris: "Have you never had guinea pig chilli at Caius hall?"
"Home to roast beef and my sister." -Dave
Stephen: "The Romans divided gays into active and passive types." Ed: "That's because they'd had too many Latin lessons."
Stephen: "I am in favour of Ed's beard." Patricia: "Of lesbians?"
"We're all listening, Patricia, it's you who keeps interrupting yourself." -Clare K
Steven: "Is that person related to you?" Amy A: "No, he's a boy."
Seen on an envelope of documents at work: "Do not send blood in this envelope."
"The Methodist Council, for those of you who don't know, is a group of 70 odd people..." -Steven
Steven: "Tiff didn't come to Barneys with Amy." Ed: "Maybe they'd had a tiff. Or a barney."
"You've never had a theological dispute with any Christian group while you were in Cambridge? What kind of Christian are you?" -Liam to Chris
Patricia: "Toby put his hand on my knee under the duvet!" Pete Cad: "And she got so scared that she put her clothes back on."
"Let me just lay down on the table, before we discuss this..." -Steven
Rachel C: "There aren't any scenes where I get to kiss Stu!" Rachael: "Maybe you could kiss him in the finale." Ed: "Bend over, Stu, you're about to be kissed in the finale."
"There are *mammoth* bones in this fish!" -Patricia
"Of course Liam won't recognise you, you've got clothes on." -Patricia to Rachel C
"Writing an essay is the mental equivalent of giving birth." -Anna A
"I want to get the pastor at Eden to marry me. ... I mean, to conduct the ceremony." -Amy D
"Speaking German is a completely useless skill. It only enables you to talk to Germans, and they don't have anything interesting to say." -Ed
Ed: "What's your PhD proposal?" Ian: "Some random thing about German idealism and its influence on random German authors." Sumner: "Is that the official wording?"
"I'm not immoral. Well, not on purpose." -Patricia
"I can cycle for days without stopping." -Patricia
Rachael: "How can "Grr" express happiness? It seems more like anger to me." Steven C: "Often they amount to the same thing."
"Love is blind. Your love is deaf, dumb and has a wooden leg." -Ed to Patricia
Rachael: "...questions like, whether the language faculty is innate." Ed: "Of course it's not, it's in the Sidgwick Site."
Alex Collins (on the mathmos' results ceremony): "You get to see the whole range of human emotions." Tom K: "That's quite impressive for mathematicians."