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It'd seem to be a good idea to collect together all the MtG comedy from around the Wiki and put it all in one place.  Or if it really wants to stay where it is, at least link to it from here.

Such as the /RandomQuote occurring when Kazuhiko was reading flavor text?

This can additionally be a hub for other MagicTheGathering comedy comments, like...

What Card And Why

From http://www.sideboard.com comes this question, asked of the MTG pros:
Question: In the Odyssey and Onslaught blocks, which card would you use to describe yourself and why?
And here are some of the answers:
Victor van den Broek: Probably Psychatog. I think I know how to use my resources well enough to kill an opponent. That and I played enough Psychatog to pick that over Mongrel...
Osyp Lebedowicz: Hypnox, I'm really broken but misunderstood.
Eric Taylor: I'm afraid "Forgotten Ancient" best describes me. I'm old.
Brian Kibler: Mystic Enforcer. Not only do I love the card and the art, but also I'm a philosophy and religion major (soon to be degree holder!) and an ex-wrestler. How much more of a Mystic Enforcer can you get?
Eric Froehlich: Visara. It is big and insanely good, just like me.

This looks like a fun game.  So, to all those who know any cards released in the past two years - or, hey! why limit it! - to anyone who knows any Magic cards at all: What Card Are You, And Why?

I feel that now that the GamesEvening stock has returned to my house, one of the most fitting appelations may be MTG: Gamekeeper...  Alternatively: I'm wacky yet logical, fair yet twisted, and make a number of people's brains hurt. So maybe MTG: Zur's Weirding is appropriate.
We better not shock Alex anytime soon or he might just decide to remove himself from the game and replace himself with 'The-Biggest,-Baddest,-Nastiest,-Scariest-Creature-You'll-Ever-See'... maybe not...
No. Because the B.F.M. is two cards when it's not in play, so MTG: Gamekeeper couldn't fetch it out. There's always the possibility he might become a [Pirate Cow] though.

I think that, if Sally knew the names of a few thousand magic cards, she would likely suggest for me MTG: Dedicated Martyr. I would disagree; I think I'll go with MTG: Impulse. I manage to follow one thought in four.

Tom Swifties

MarkRosewater? [asked] people on the internet to send him TomSwifties?.

AlexChurchill created these:  (Feel free to ask for explanation if any of them are too subtle or obscure)

"Seven damage from [Akroma] and a [Raging Goblin]!" Tom added hastily.
"We're playing under 5th Edition rules," Tom interrupted.
(or the alternative double-pun of this one...)
"Pay another 1 for that spell," Tom interrupted [disrupt]ively.
The sixth edition version of this is "I'll just counter your counterspell, then" Tom instantly responded...
Oh, that's good! I like! --AC

"Okay, I discard my counterspell..." Tom said under [duress].

"When will I draw an Island?!" exclaimed Tom bad-manneredly.
? Reference to Sea's Claim? If so, why the "bad-manneredly"?
Not a reference to Sea's Claim (one further down is) - it's bad-mana-dly.
"The writing's on the wall," Tom reminded.
You've got me on this one. Explanation?
Hehe.  What reminder is written on every Wall?  --AC
"I can't remember what's in my deck," Tom said listlessly.
"I pay six to draw a card," Tom whispered.

"I'll pay the extra 9 for my Rage," Tom said, kicking himself.
Objection. Only really works if you can rename Tom to Urza for this one alone...
Giggle.  Well, fair enough, I guess... --AC
"I want to get a card from my sideboard!" Tom said wishfully.
"I draw seven cards!" Tom said, upping the ante.
Aaargh. Hellishly bad pun.
Is it?  *confused* It was meant to just be a reference to MTG: Contract from Below... what bad pun did *you* think it was? --AC
*rereads your comment*... Oh. Yes. Aargh.  You weren't talking about *my* "hellishly" bad pun, were you?  Aaaarrggghhh...--AC
Well, I thought "upping the ante" was a pretty bad pun. Mine was worse, of course... --SF
"I have to tap all my lands in my upkeep?" Tom echoed.
"I pay one life into Spatial Binding," Tom said, unphased.
"I can play Land Grant for no mana," Tom revealed.

"Maybe some Roars in my graveyard would be good," Tom speculated...
...then: "Wonder and a Roar go into my graveyard," Tom noted.
"Let's clear the board!" Tom declared wrathfully.
"Pay two more for that Fireball," Tom reminded chillingly.
"I make ten million Squirrels," Tom said craftily.
"I get a token if I play a creature," Tom reflected purely.
"You won't counter my next creature," Tom insisted.
"I get to search two forests into play!" Tom claimed.
"All Rebels are going to die," Tom decreed.
"Not another X spell!" Tom bawled.
"Is putting Phage straight into play a bad idea?" Tom piped up.
Being a reference to MTG: Elvish Piper and MTG: Phage the Untouchable.
"I'll beat you down with Bird tokens!" Tom screeched.
"I win the coinflip again," Tom admitted reluctantly.  (re-luck-tantly...)

Add others here

From StuartFraser:

"Without my Worship, it's your game, then." Tom said, disenchanted
"That creature gets how much more power?" Tom screamed
Hehe.  Not to be [confused] with the same comment followed by "Tom [howled]" or "Tom cried, [enraged]"... --AC
"Of course, I can still draw three cards" Tom recalled
"Three more damage? I'm outta here." With that, Tom bolted.
"I'll make that Maze of Ith into an island" Tom claimed
Tom exploded: "Sixteen damage from a Draco?"
This is good :)  --AC
"Just a vanilla 4/4" Tom said, bored.
I didn't get this one, until I thought "I can't remember any vanilla 4/4s"... but if you ignore MTG: Tobias Andrion, this is pretty clever :) --AC
OK, the only one I knew of was MTG: Durkwood Boars, then...
It turns out that those and Mr Andrion are the *only* tournament-legal vanilla 4/4s.  There's one from Portal 2 as well, and of course a variety of token makers.
"I think I'll draw that one" Tom opted.
"I get to draw one from the top four of my library" Tom said, impulsively
"You killed my Dreadnought!" Tom said, shattered
"I suppose you could always play that domain spell" Tom counselled
"And it's so good, the DCI just restricted it" Tom gushed
"It goes back on top of my library? You fiend!" Tom said, repelled.
"I can give all of my creatures +1/+1, so there is hope" Tom rallied
"So my creatures can't block at all?" Tom said, demoralized.
"And all my creatures gain flying just because of that?" Tom wondered
"I paid both kickers, so I do the damage and draw the cards" Tom illuminated
"Sacrifice a forest to fetch out a plains AND an island?" Tom said, harrowingly
"I want some creatures with a search mechanic" Tom rebelled
"I think that Wellwisher has to block my creature" Tom said, provocatively
Bad example. Wellwisher untaps, taps, and can't block.
Not always. If it's summoning-sick, for example. But Tom did only say "I think"...
MuHaHa. Ah well. Tom can always provoke a Warchief instead, if he wants to remove an annoying low p/t creature beginning with W.
"So it costs me six mana, but it's essentially Necropotence" Tom bargained
And once more groan :)
"I'll tap that, and draw a card" Tom said, icily
This is good. Although where the card-draw comes from I'm not quite sure... --AC
MTG: Ice (Fire/Ice), which, I suppose leads to
Ahh, of course.  Here was me thinking you were talking about the original Icy.  I can't think about Fire/Ice without being inspired to say something like...
"Let's make that spell target everything, shall we?" Tom radiated.
"On the other hand, maybe not." Tom said, waving the flag.

"Deal 1 damage to that elf and one to you" Tom said, with fire.
"No, that just has to die." Tom said, with malice
"That gains me card advantage" Tom said, greedily...
"Another 6/6 token?" Tom roared
Hmm...that formula can be extended, I suppose
"Gets me a 1/1 token" Tom chattered
"It's a useful 3/3 token" Tom called
"This creature can change it's colour whenever I want" Tom crowed
"I think we could use some more mana from these lands" Tom flared
"I need some more Slivers" Tom brooded
"Don't you just love first-striking 2-drops?" said Tom, benightedly

ChrisHowlett thought of two yesterday, but only one remains in his memory. Perhaps the other one will come to him. Ah, there it is. Ooh, and some more.
"So, I'll have 8 of your life" said Tom, corruptingly.
"Stop stealing my life" said Tom, sounding a bit drained.
"I lose life for killing your creatures?" queried Tom, vengefully.
Or "I hadn't realised I'd lose life when I destroyed them" continued Tom, recklessly.
"I sac that to get +2/+2" said Tom, huskily.
"Sacrifice a load of attackers", Tom stormed.
Tom stifled a "No."
AlexChurchill: Oh, the "crowed" is good.  And "flared", "stormed" and "stifled" are excellent :)
If we're using Scourge cards, then the reference to MTG: Tsabo's Decree can probably be extended:
"Everything dies, and I draw a card for each one," Tom decreed painfully.
"All my creatures get a permanent +4/+4," Tom decreed savagely
And this one has to be tried, although I've no idea how to make it work:
Tom shook his head three times, making a silent decree.
StuartFraser: That's pretty good.
An alternate form:  "No, no and thrice no", mouthed Tom silently.
StuartFraser: The white decree is also doable
"I think I deserve three Angels" Tom decreed, justly
But I think the red one would be stretching matters.

I reckon there is a possible cycle though:
"Oh, great. A 4/7 growing blocker with prot available" said Tom, cattily.
"Behold! I can tap for 3 cards! And Bounce!" declared Tom, all-powerfully.
"I tap and destroy your creature" said Tom, dreadfully.
"I hate 6/5 hasted fliers" said Tom, cuttingly.
"I think I'll have an 8/5 regenerator" said Tom, roguishly.
Those are indeed groanworthy.  I like the way that the order you list them in is the canonical order for a 5-colour cycle, too :-P :)  --AC
(PeterTaylor) WBKRG? Or am I incorrectly mapping abilities to colours?
Correct, although the standard abbreviations are WUBRG.
(PeterTaylor) I know. I'm a CompSci. I'll get it right, even if everyone else gets it wrong and thus fails to understand me. ;-p
And that is indeed the standard order. Starting at the top of the [color wheel] and working clockwise. It's the order the symbols are printed [on]  [every] [five-][colour] [ever] [printed], as well as the order in which the collector numbers go in each set: [WUBRG,M,S,A,L]. --AlexChurchill
I've just worked out what all of those stand for (White, Blue, Black, Red, Green, Multi, Split, Artifact, Land) at about the fifth attempt.... -StuartFraser
And the only sets which feature them all are Invasion and Apocalypse. And will remain so for a while, probably, although it'd be great to see more split cards.  It's one of those really useless pieces of Magic trivia to know where the collector numbers for Split cards come in that order.  --AlexChurchill, increasing his knowledge of really useless Magic trivia

Since I'm StuartFraser, I think I ought to try something like this:

"Since he's got a Sliver Queen as well as all the lands in play, we win" Tom, Tom and Tom declared, victoriously.
Why "Tom, Tom and Tom"? Just out of interest??
It's a coalition, of course...

This one just came to me. It's so awful that....

"Right back at ya!" Tom said, with his forked tongue.
Ooh, ow, ooh! Stretched and awful, as you say... ;)  --AlexChurchill

All Or Nothing

Might be fun to try as an alternative format, or at least to consider decks for:

Too much scope for delaying tactics. I arrange to do *something* in your main phase, that will take time - then you're screwed. I note that a certain 'free' blue counterspell causes you to pay life, not be assigned damage. Might have issues with that, too.
Hence the sideboard rule - basically you design separate decks for going first and second, and your tactics are very different. Paying life is not taking damage. Going second, you are trying to force the other person to meet one of the dying or ending their turn conditions. Might benefit from addition of "second player starts with an untapped basic land of their choice" or something though. - MoonShadow

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