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While we're waiting for CorkScrew to judge round thirty...

Round 32

Judge: AlexChurchill
Entries by 9am this Monday.
Why is a fish like a bicycle?
both can come in all shapes, colours and sizes and, with loving care and attention, can give years of pleasure macloud
Both reside in the River Cam, despite their natural tendencies. --Edith
In the murk you tend to encounter them in around here, many would benefit from lights - but few, if any, individuals have them. - MoonShadow
Teach a man to, ahem, acquire them and you feed him for life. (A major alternative is to teach him to use the Web, which will at least keep him from bothering you for a few weeks). --PT
[Both] can [fly] short distances.  --Vitenka  ([and an excuse to restart reading pf])
Both are oily, and can't stand up unassisted. --Rachael
Both are regarded as unsuitable for food by most people describing themselves as vegetarian. --MJ
You wouldn't want to eat either if they came out of the Cam. --Jumlian

Wow, the standard gets better and better! This is so hard as pretty much every single one of those is good. (Even if a few are along similar themes). However, only one made me genuinely laugh out loud and sit snickering to myself, and so: Point to PeterTaylor.

Round 30.5

Judge: FlameRider
Entries by Thursday 3rd (February)
Why are aniseed balls like a Mozart Symphony?
(Guess who was trying to think of something he might actually understand...)
Because both have been banned "in the public interest" at various times. --Edwin
Both are stocked by the 24-hour Tesco in Histon. - MoonShadow
(PeterTaylor) Because they never go out of style.
Valid alternatives to hunting fox. --Vitenka (Someone else can find a beter phrasing, I think)
Both start and end with a sense of happiness, but can become bitter in the middle. --ChrisHowlett
A well-known look; a bitter twist; an original ending; a popular indulgence. --Requiem
Inedible. --Steve
Great for shooting out of catapults. --Edith

Hmm, tricky.  I'm afraid I don't really understand Vitenka's, and I'm also not entirely sure that's a bad thing.  I also wasn't aware that Mozart symphonies were ever banned in the public interest, unless it had something to do with him being Austrian?  No, I think someone would have mentioned it.  Honourable mentions to PeterTaylor for his insight, and to ChrisHowlett, but
Point to Requiem
Fair enough, I knew it was awful phrasing.  My reference was the the banning of hunting - aniseed for the drag hunting, and listening to mozart is just an all round better idea.  And I think I got the wrong composer for the work I was actually thinking of, so forget it completely :)  --Vitenka

Round 30

Judge: CorkScrew
Entries by Thursday 13th
Why is a jar of pickles like a Diebold voting machine?
Any old user could get inside and swizzle the contents around, and no-one would be any the wiser. - MoonShadow
They both benefit from acid. --Bobacus
Hard to get the lid off --Edith
Using either leaves a BadTaste? in the mouth.  --Vitenka
Recommended procedure is to shove a fork in and hope you hit something. --PT
Neither tends to be used very often.  They tend to languish on shelves, leading private little lives of their own.  --FR
And in that vein - "Pulled off the shelf twice a decade, only for you to discover that it's gone bad in the meantime."  --Vitenka (Yeah yeah, second entry)
I'll forgive you if you correct the spelling :) -- CorkScrew
It's olde englishe.  Pulled offe, my mother badde - gonbe dukes to crew 'sadde.  --Vitenka (Or something.  Ok, corrected.)
Leave the situation long enough, and it starts to smell. --Requiem
Neither are useful in elections --Edwin
I've never been tempted to buy either. --ChrisHowlett (Pickled onions, on the other hand...)
Both select a winning candidate more quickly than CorkScrew. --Rachael (Apologies. I wanted a SelfReferential? way to ping it.)

Gack, sorry, I completely forgot I'd set this in motion. I judge MoonShadow the winner for appropriate use of the word "swizzle". PT gets an honourable mention, and Rachael gets delivery of a finely-crafted apology addressed to the ToothyWikizens.

Round 29

Judge: PeterTaylor
Entries by New Year. (Judging may be delayed a day or two. Depends on why my parents are having problems connecting to the Internet).
Why is revenge like a penny?

Both are too small to be worth bothering with. --Edwin
Spread the wealth and it tends to come back to you with interest -- AlexLabram
Pennying someone's bottle is good revenge. -- Naath
Most of the time it'll fall flat on its face, but just occasionally it'll give you the edge. --Rachael
Both are vital ingrediants in Christmas pudding. --Edith
What is the worth of man?  His thoughts, his rights, his very being?  In elden days, when blood was strong, the salic law a price decreed; were your kin slain, to ease your wrath, would wergeld come in coins of gold.  600 for nobles, 200 for freemen and even bond-servants rated 30.  But what of now?  What value doth our current liege place on the rights of man, that cold-handed vengance be set aside?  Why, verily, he give not a penny for your thoughts. --Pallando

A strong field, but two contenders clearly ahead: an honourable mention to Edwin, and the point to Rachael.

Round 28

Judge: Pallando
Entries by 3 minutes to midnight on Saturday 18 December.

For this round, multiple ideas (puns, references to different carols) inside a single entry are positively encouraged.
In how many ways is your daily routine like a christmas carol?

Right now?  Horrible tinny canned carolling in a short loop over and over and over and KillKillKill.  --Vitenka
* I'm ill and tired at the moment, so much earlier than normal I'm turning in for a silent night; and above my deep and dreamless sleep, the silent stars go by * I do (day)dream of a white Christmas * Involves urging my brain to adore Christ * When I have sandwiches or pizza, I prefer it deep pan, crisp and even --AlexChurchill
Deep pan sandwiches?  Worse still, deep pan crisp sandwiches!  How do your arteries cope? --MJ''
We wish... shoe... a merry Christmas... went out, on the feast of... stuff... where the snow lay... somewhere else... good Christian men rejoice! With... LiveJournal... oo, shiny things... now bring us some figgy pudding! --Requiem's train of thought (mmm, FiggyPudding)
27 --qqzm
Bah, humbug --Edwin
[Too many] but [I'm still hoping] --Edith

Mathmo CorkScrew, he went out,
To do his CATAM project
Bits of code lay all about
None of it sans defect
Brightly shone the 'puter screen
Burning up his braincells
When from the o'er the village green
Came the sound of sleigh bells

"Hither Google, help me out;
Rid me of frustrations
Find me pages all about
Local celebrations"
"Sir, the internet is just
Bereft of information
On parties - I'm afraid you must
Walk o'er to its location"

As the bells were starting to
Become a botheration,
Grumbling, he bid adieu
To code and compilation;
Wandering into the night
To yell the noise away
Came he soon upon the sight
Of a ruddy great sleigh

"What the hell is all this noise
I'm trying to get some work done
The sound of ringing bells destroys
My brain and concentration"
... I'll finish this poem when my brain recovers. There may even be a punchline. -- CorkScrew

Let the noble AlexChurchill be merry for all who are calm and bright do give him honourable mention, but of all the Citizens in the Wiki, the CorkScrew wears the crown, so come let us adore him.
Yay! My first win! Thank heavens for the subtle art of overkill :) -- CorkScrew

Point to CorkScrew.

Round 27

Judge: Edith
Entries by 6pm on Weds 15 December.

Inspired by the morphing pictures:
Why is Margaret Thatcher like Marilyn Monroe?
They each have a [dedicated following].. - MoonShadow
Fond relations with coup artists.  --Vitenka
Both make a distinct impresion. --Steve
Bad haircut.  --Jumlian
"Hello, boys." --Requiem
Both far gone but not forgotten. -- Xarak
Both regarded by some as masters in their time, but their remaining dedicated fans are best avoided --MJ
Miners (minors) are chastised for having their posters on their walls.--qqzm
The only two women known to have conquered an American President. --DR

MJ's answer scares me, Requiem's answer makes my brain melt. However Pallando's answer causes my scared, melted brain to dribble away as fast as possible. Point to Pallando

Round 26

Judge: GamesEvening on Tues 7 (OK, it's not original, but Rachael prefers setting the questions to judging them.)
Entries by 8pm on Tues 7 December.

Why are ID cards like Snow?

The first hit is always free.  --Vitenka
They both affect your appearence a lot, though with rather different results.  --FlameRider
Both have a large potential for misuse. --Steve (2 vote)
When considered in harsh urban reality, both appear rather murkier than the whiter-than-white evocative description their fans give of them. --AlexChurchill
The innocent have nothing to fear! MuHaHaHa! --Requiem (1 vote)
They always claim it will come around Christmas time, and it never actually does until almost Easter.  --Vitenka

MoonShadow's concise comparative guide to ID cards vs Snow as a means of helping [fight terrorism]:

                            ID cards                 Snow

 Features                   Contains biometrics!     Contains frozen water!
Expensive to provide      Yes                      Yes*
to the population
Helps catch terrorists    No**                    No
before they act
Fun to throw at people    No***                    Yes

 * Except for a few days during December/January?, when it's free.
** Unless they write "I am a terrorist" on theirs
*** With the exception of Mr Blunkett.

(3 votes + 1 vote*)
*in event of tiebreak, voter is in favour of variety of format
You can construct a fake ID: it's no man, but it will melt away. --Bobacus
Neither stops [Miss Hubbard]. --Edith

The GamesEvening voters have spoken, and more consistently than last time... Point to MoonShadow.

Round 25: Judge Requiem

Submissions by midday on Thursday 2nd.

Why is sesquipedalianism like a Cat?

[Behold the power of Google]  --Vitenka
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr --Edwin
Felis silvestris catus --qqzm
Because some people think it's cute, whilst others are allergic to it. --PT
Choosing to ignore self-imposed disqualification, I'm sure that Old Possum would be happy to give you a few very suitable examples of both.  --FlameRider
They both demonstrate the joys of stretching out. --ChrisHowlett
One is often practiced by people who think they are superior, the other is creature which *knows* it is superior. --SusanWakeling
Science could use less of one and more of the other. --Edith

Okay. This one was hard, with several very nice entries - honourable mentions to ChrisHowlett and Edith. But at the end of the day...
Point to PeterTaylor! Quick, somebody multiply him by 5!

Round 24: Judge Whistway

Submissions by 'the end of the known universe' or 22:00 on Saturday 27th (which ever comes sooner).
Why is a Rubberduck like a Psychiatrist?

Because both can provide therapy by making you think about your childhood --MJ
Thinking either one will solve your mental problems is a good indication you need to see the latter. --CH
Spending too long in the company of either can make you think you're the former. --AlexChurchill
Speak for yourself!  Although I couldn't claim to have tried spending appreciable time with either (at least not since I was very little and so was entertained with RubberDucks in the bath), I don't think most people would find that spending time with a RubberDuck? made one think one was one of them.  Perhaps this is another indication of how Alex is subtly different to most people... --MJ
Uh, I read this as talking to RubberDucks can make you think you're a psychiatrist (which makes sense) and ViceVersa? (which is plausible in a scary way)  --Vitenka
No, I did mean either could make you think you're the former (ie a rubber duck) - by comparison with Chris' entry above where thinking either will solve your problems means perhaps you should see the latter (a psychiatrist). Note I did say spending "too long" in the company of either. I'm not talking about just playing with a rubber duck in the bath every day. Imagine if the only things you saw all day were RubberDucks... imagine what it would do to your head if all of your workmates or classmates vanished, to be replaced by RubberDucks... After a few weeks, months, interacting with no other people but just RubberDucks, mightn't you start thinking you were a rubber duck too? Can you be sure you wouldn't? --AlexChurchill
Oh, k.  I'll stick with my personal creepy image of people thinking they can psychoanalyse RubberDucks and psychiatrists hypnotising people into floating aimlessly in bathtubs.  And since I've already lost, I'll make that my entry ;)  --Vitenka  (And someone really ought to have submitted WebComics/OzyAndMillie by now - but the
archives are hard to search, so maybe it's understandable.)  [Here it is] (You can tell I don't like work today)
It's just occurred to me - I wonder if Alex's line above could be set to the tune of "Imagine" - the starting of many sentences with that word suggested the project... --MJ
Because talking to either as though they won't reply is considered quite normal.  --FlameRider
It squeaks if you hit it. --PT
Bounce ideas off one, bounce soapey missiles off the other - CorkScrew
Neither work well in the shower. --Steve
Ernie.  --Vitenka
Because I'd be surprised to find either in our bath. --qqzm
Bills. --Rachael
I've been trumped.  --Vitenka
Why indeed? Please, tell me what you think... --Requiem
They're both quacks.  --Jumlian

There are hundreds of rubber ducks around me! *They gather in a flock*
*Squeak!* The leader of the rubber ducks squeaks.
“Crap!”*ducks as the rubber ducks almost crash into me*
*They meld into an über rubber duck* "Shawn, submit to me, or all the potatoe chips in the world will explode!!!!"
*the über rubber duck spontaneously combusts*
*Ernie pops out singing "Rubber Ducky"* “Rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bath-time lots of fun...” --Shawn
ChrisHowlett requests permission to be terrified.
Scared of me or the über rubber duck? ^_^
There's a difference? --Edith

Both feature in season 1 of the Sopranos --Edith

I found choosing a winner a particularly difficult task as I loved too many of the answers, they were all good, but after considering all the options and spending plenty of time in the presence of multiple rubber ducks and asking the opinion of my fiancée… I narrowed the field… I enjoyed PT’s answer although I was intrigued by how many psychiatrists he had the pleasure of making squeak :), Corkscrew’s answer had fantastic imagery, Rachel’s answer was brilliantly clever and came very close to winning. However after careful consideration the answer that I liked the most belonged to Flamerider.

Pint to Flamerider
and a point
You have got to be kidding.  I'm temporarily disqualifying myself for being too damn clever by half.  --FR'

Round 23: Judge AlexChurchill

Submissions by 22:00 on Monday 22nd.
Why is superconductivity like meat?

They both last longer if you keep them cold. --Jumlian
No resistance.  --J?.RandomCarnivore?
Both of you stole what I could say! I can't think of anything good beyond what you guys said... :| --Shawn
Best enjoyed fresh. --Requiem
Both are highly attractive to the susceptible --Edith
I'm not entirely sure this makes sense, but... you have both with sausages and chips. --FR
Only the rich can afford them. --PT
Tabasco sauce can improve either. --Steve
Animal magnetism. --Bobacus
Both are properties that you are unlikely to find within a vegetarians sandwich. --Whistway
StuartFraser is tempted to make the same Bisto/BISCO pun he made three weeks ago but will instead say they're both highly anisotropic.
Because both are required to put the icing on an orchestral tour. --MJ
I don't understand that.  But the reply generator says I meant to say: "because neither are required for the safe use of a box of chocolates"  --Vitenka
Meat really helps an orchestral tour, as many countries seem to have vegetarian options to make the palette freeze in boredom.  Superconductivity and an orchestra tour - work it out.  It's AVeryBadPun. --MJ
I'm also not entirely sure this works, but... Pulses can be used to substitute for either. --Rachael
There's gotta be a joke about iron in here. It's driving me nuts now. - CorkScrew 
Since AIUI ferromagnetic materials won't superconduct, how about "The iron content is a critical factor"? --AC
Sure they will, if you get them cold enough. --SF

I note that there are recurring themes noticeable in people's responses: Rachael makes a clever pun (in this case too clever for me *^^*), Mike makes an awful pun, Whistway gives a wacky mental image tailored to the judge, Steve suggests something bizarre and surreal, Vitenka gives a succinct fragment, ... I'm also wishing I hadn't chosen an area that I don't understand too well, because there are aspects I don't get to Rachael's, FlameRider's, and Edith's (don't superconductors repel magnetic fields? That's what the WikiPedia article suggests, but I know so little that I'm far from confident about it). StuartFraser's submission is cool but refuted by the existence of meatballs ;) (WTF? --SF) Shortlist: Whistway, Vitenka (as J.RandomCarnivore?), FlameRider, and Jumlian. FlameRider just about gets it: I don't quite get the sausages, but the chips are clever. Point to FlameRider.

Round 22: Judge PeterTaylor

Submissions by 22:00 on Thursday 18th.
Why is a medical examination like a tie-clip?

Both are necessary, neither are particularly desirable.  --FR
Wang!  --Vitenka  (After much deliberation, yes, the PennyArcade joke was both inevitable and desirable.  If you don't get it, consider yourself lucky.)
One keeps you neat on the inside, one keeps you neat on the outside. --Edwin
If I woke up one morning and discovered I'd mysteriously changed into a man, I would suddenly need both. --Rachael (NaNoWriMo does weird things to the way my mind works)
MoonShadow thought of one involving dangly things, but isn't gonna submit it 'cos it's rude and 'tenka's version is more succinct anyway; however, now he can't think of anything else >.<
Both are often linked to government conspiracies possibly involving aliens. tinfoil hats make stilish headgear and they keep the evil mind control rays out --Steve
Both avoid potentially even more embarrassing things a little way down the line. --Requiem
Both are terribly difficult to obtain from the NHS --Whistway
I vote this one.  Clever and subtle, yet blunt at the same time. --Vitenka
Both allow a Mike to keep working with minimal disruption. --AlexChurchill
SplutterCoughNaniNani??? --MJ
Well, it's fairly comprehensible, though what the problem must have been for the left side to have been minimal, I'm unsure.  Nsaty though.  Glad to see you've recovered well enough to wiki ;)  --Vitenka
Indeed, but I'm not sure I like the idea of being dependent on a tie-clip to keep working.  Especially not the one that was inserted during my medical examination... --MJ
Ah, but it stops the vicious ties from assaulting your face.  --Vitenka
Neither I nor, as far as I can see, anyone else in the room is wearing a tie, vicious or otherwise.  I feel I have little to fear from ties at work, even if tie clips are entirely absent! --MJ
You're too late!  It's escaped!  Flee!  Flee for your livers! --Vitenka
Both can be improved by addition of gadgets. --Edith

I quickly whittled this down to a shortlist of three: Whistway's entry is rather timely; Edwin's is certainly elegant; and whilst I don't agree with Requiem's implication that tie-clips are embarrassing, I have been in situations where the lack of one was. There is also a temptation to award the point to Vitenka, although for "Flee for your livers!" rather than for his entry.
Point to Requiem

Round 21: Judge Rachael

Submissions by 10am Monday 15th please.
Why is a poppy like work?

At the risk of being obvious, both are well known for their soporific effects on right-minded people.  --FR
Work is the application of force over a distance, which has certainly been [a consequence] of poppy trade. --PT
Both are theoretically seen after scenes of much travail. --Requiem
They can both make you see red. --Jumlian
Sacrifice --Edith
They both evoke things that I know it's a good idea to remember, even if not pleasant to do so. --AlexChurchill
A little gets the job done... but too much can kill you. --Shawn
One is symbolic of the 'Battle of the Somme' and the other symbolises the 'Battle of the many! --Whistway

Eek, this is a really hard one to judge.
Honourable mentions to Whistway and PeterTaylor, but I'm going to give it to FR, whose entry amused me and wasn't as obvious as he thinks because I only had in mind the paper and plastic version.
Point to FlameRider.
Woot!  --FR

Round 20: Judge qqzm

Submissions by 1600 Monday 8th please.

Why is gerrymandering like an igloo?

Because the creators of either would really rather like them to go on all night. --Requiem
Because the people responsible for either are probably extremely cold.  --FR
Because both are usually found close to the polls (poles).  --Whistway
Neither should be attempted naked. --Edith
How does one attempt an igloo, naked or otherwise? --MJ
One starts off uncertainly and makes the best job of it that one can. --Edith
I should like to state for reference that I read gerrymandering as filibuster when I came up with this answer, which makes slighly more sense --Edith.

Point to Whistway for the CategoryAwfulPun.
PeterTaylor wishes to raise a point of order: namely that "gerrymandering" isn't a noun.

From dictionary.com:
2 entries found for gerrymandering.
ger·ry·man·der    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (jr-mndr, gr-)
tr.v. ger·ry·man·dered, ger·ry·man·der·ing, ger·ry·man·ders
To divide (a geographic area) into voting districts so as to give unfair advantage to one party in elections.

The act, process, or an instance of gerrymandering.
A district or configuration of districts differing widely in size or population because of gerrymandering. 

(PeterTaylor) That's a definition of the noun "gerrymander".
I though that "to gerrymander" was the verb, and that the noun was "a gerrymanderer" or the noun phrase "gerrymandered election" --DR
Perhaps we should vote on it? ;) --Whistway
You're right. Apparently I can't read :). It doesn't really have to be a noun though. It does still make sense to ask why gerrymandering is like an igloo. Well, about as much sense as most of the questions, anyway. --qqzm

Round 19: Judge AlexChurchill

Submissions by 5pm Friday (5/11), please.

Why are books like fire?

Because both can inspire your mind or guide your way, make you warm or burn you to the core.  --FlameRider
Sorry, much too serious, but I thought something a bit more poetic and, needless to say, obvious, would make a nice change.  --FR
Burn the witch!  --Vitenka
Jaya Ballard [flavour] [text]. --PT
because they're both illuminating --macloud
Because if you look at either of them for long enough you can lose all sense of time --Susan?
Neither lasts very long in contact with large quantities of water. --Rachael
Both may range in degree from inflammatory hellfire to warm fuzzy glow. --Requiem
Both could be used to hijack plains. --Steve
Do you really mean MTG: Plains, or do you mean 'planes? - MoonShadow
oh MTG: Plains, even if there isn't a card like that you could use them to threaten your oponent. --Steve
Because it's NaNoWriMo, and lots of people are writing books so fast their pens catch fire.. --MoonShadow
Both can cause incredibly humorous reactions if screamed loud enough (whilst running!) in a library!  --Whistway
Development of either is an indication of intelligence. --ChrisHowlett
Both kill fascists --Edith
Both are usually read. --qqzm
Both are dangerous in the hands of downtrodden masses --Pallando
It's difficult to create either without a bit of training. --Nataku

The standard was very high overall. I particularly like both FlameRider's poetic imagery and qqzm's CategoryAwfulPun, but there were plenty other good ones, the importance of both in revolutions (Edith & Pallando) being a fun point. But I have to award it to Whistway for the magnificent mental image that made me giggle out loud when I read it.

Point to Whistway.

Round 18: Judge ChrisHowlett

Submissions by midday on Wednesday (3/11) please.

At the suggestion of Chel,
Why are Flying Saucers like Kangaroos?

(PeterTaylor) Because no-one will believe that I saw one while walking along the Backs in 2003.
Both make your mind break when they appear in RevolutionaryGirlUtena --K
Spending too long pondering on either is a sign of instability. --Requiem
In cartoons both are accompanied by silly sound effects.--King DJ
Your car will fail to run normally if its petrol tank is filled with either.--qqzm
I just realised that I missed a couple of words from that sentence. Without them its rather surreal, so I shall leave it.--qqzm
Do not run in fear!  We come in BoingyBoingy?!  --Vitenka
For some reason, both only seem to appear in rather arid places.  --FR
Whats that skip? aliens have trapped billy down the old mineshaft. --Steve
The ways both move around seem to defy physical laws. --AlexChurchill
Both are furiously difficult to place a teacup on --Whistway
If I say the saucer is full of soup from Mars, I could call it a Mars-soup-ial, though you'd be hopping mad ;-) --Bobacus
They're not. Unless you have a sufficantly powerful marsupial propulsion device... --Edith

I'd actually forgotten I was judging this... However, the award goes to qqzm, because the image is nicely surreal. Bobacus gets the Pained Groan Award for Awful Punning (which I'm considering making a WikiWord).
Point to qqzm.
Incidentally, what should your entry have been?
Your car will fail to run normally if its petrol tank is filled with either type of petrol.--qqzm

Round 17: Judge Edith

Submissions by 10am on Thursday (28/10) please.

Why is Satanism like Rum?
Fifteen men on a dead man chest...  --Vitenka (Pass the sacrificial knives!)
Both help Navy sailors pass the time on those long voyages. - MoonShadow
Both involve dark spirits. --Rachael
<scary voice>Red Rum! Red Rum!!!</scary voice> --K
(PeterTaylor) Both naval rights. And arguably naval wrongs as well.
Both appear in TV adverts for Bacardi?. --qqzm
Both seem like a much better idea at 2am after a night on the town, than in the cold light of sobriety and hangovers. --Requiem

Rachael takes it by a nose. Honourable mentions to qqzm and PeterTaylor.
Point to Rachael

Can we get an explanation of why K thought to compare them both to a RaceHorse??  --Vitenka
You've never seen the movie "The Shining", I take it? -- Xarak

Round 16: Judge FlameRider (hope that's okay...)

Submissions by 22.00 on Friday (22/10) please.
Okay, so:
Why is a wooden spoon like thermodynamics?
Both have a tendency to mix things up -- PaulPower
Both are kind of conceptually hard... --Requiem
Both are useful in the making of waffle(s).--King DJ
Both are sources of fear to people doing badly on the Cambridge Maths Tripos --ChrisHowlett
Both produce unexpected results when wielded by an uncle. --Steve
Because we can derive the Wooden spoon or peter principle, that everyone will spread out to the level of their own incompetance from the thermodynamic idea that energy will spread out until everything is the same temperature through the equivalence: Knowledge == Power. --DouglasReay
What?  - There is no spoon. --Jumlian
Both will eventually bring about the inevitable EndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt. --AlexChurchill
"... He had also studied Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics and he understood the way the world worked. ... "I will crush you with my wooden spoon!" He hollered. ..." --[Google]
Both can be used to stir liquids --K
Both scare kittens --Edith

All very good entries, and I should say that I chose thermodynamics as penance for leaving the song out of the Flanders and Swann Page.  Honourable mentions to Requiem, Jumlian and Google, but King DJ takes it.
Point to King DJ
Oh, and I think we should be asking Steve what his uncle has done to deserve his entry...
Many bad things involving barbeques. --Steve

Round 15: Judge Kazuhiko

Submissions by 22:00 on Friday (15Oct), please. (Ah, Gomen.  I'll be disappearing for a while Friday evening, so better make that 20:00 on Friday and I'll try to judge it at lunch time)

Why is Shoujo Anime like a dodgy internet connection?

Bits fall off.  --Vitenka
Because you never get what you wanted when you started.  --FR
Because you can learn a lot about someone by seeing how they react to it. --PeterTaylor
Tears, angst, and it seems to take forever. --Requiem
Because the characters on-screen keep failing to communicate properly. --AlexChurchill
Both pose problems which can be solved equally well with expedient use of either a rewriteable CD or a katana --Edith.
MikeJeggo fails to see how a rewritable CD would solve shoujo anime
The same way a katana would - they're quite similar in many ways. See Round 4 for details. - MoonShadow
Alternate meaning of the verb 'to save' - as in 'to save to disk', on in this case, to a CD-R.  Either an attempted pun, or a wording bug?  --Vitenka  (EditConflictMoonShadow - that's Evil)

Honourable mention to AlexChurchill, but PeterTaylor takes it...
Point to PeterTaylor

Round 14: Judge MikeJeggo

Submissions by 22:00 on Sunday, please.

Why is AbstractMathematics? like a Camel?  I fear AlexChurchill may have an unfair advantage in this one, but never mind :)

MindAltering?? substances.  Smooooth.  --Vitenka
Because it's not concrete. --Rachael
You can have a jolly good go at simulating each using [the other]. - MoonShadow
Because the designers of MiltonKeynes eschewed both in favour of ConcreteCows. --PeterTaylor
z = 1/(x^2 + y^2 + 1) + 1/((x-5)^2 + y^2 + 1) --K (who thinks he got that right, but isn't sure)
Indispensable to some. Inexplicable to others. --Edith
It moves in counterintuitive directions but gets there surprisingly efficiently. --Requiem
Because both operate on a plane far removed from our everyday experience. --AlexChurchill (not that much of an advantage, as the reference that prompted this was to the way camels in TerryPratchett are often thinking *of* of abstract maths)

I think K has to take it... surreal, but not unconnected :)  HonourableMentions? to Edith for efficiency and Requiem for managing to convincingly connect such unlikely candidates --MJ
Wow, I'm surprised.  I thought Requiem had it, personally... --K

Round 13: Judge - PeterTaylor

Submissions by 22:00 on Thursday, please.
Please note: multiple submissions are permitted by e-mail. In fact, I'd encourage people to submit by e-mail. Account ducttape at server pjt33.f2g.net.
A classic from TomLehrer: Why is life like a sewer?

Because neither gets many emails?  --Vitenka

Heh. Submissions were:
You don't know what you'll get until you look inside. --Requiem
Something like: "Because it's an abundantly organic and ever-fluid totality produced by a diverse variety of people, all mixed together." --Rachael

They're both along the same lines, and I'll give it to Requiem for being more concise. (The original answer, for those who wondered, is "What you get out depends on what you put in".
Pint to Requiem. Whose round is it, anyway?

Round 12: Judge - Rachael

Submissions by 10am Monday 4th please.
A nice topical one: Why is FreshersWeek? like water?
Often drunk.  --Vitenka
When it falls on Cambridge mad students run around embracing it, while everyone else seeks shelter until it's blown over. --AlexChurchill
Sink or Swim --Edith
Both occasionally involve silly antics and wellies. --Requiem
Because both are hard to find in the middle of the Sahara. --PeterTaylor
Both tend to cause dissolution. --Bobacus
Both could be declared a natural disaster. --Steve
Ah, FreshersWeek?, water week that was. --qqzm
I have to give this to Vitenka for sheer class and concision. His entry looks obvious in hindsight, but I honestly hadn't thought of it when setting the question.
Honourable mentions to Alex for the mental image and qqzm for the CategoryAwfulPun.
Point to Vitenka.

Yay!  I was going to add a second entry "The fresher the wetter" (making a pun on 'wet behind the ears') but couldn't see a way to make it happen.  Glad I didn't ;)  --Vitenka

Round 11: Judge - ChrisHowlett

(Submissions by 23:00 on Thursday, please. Sorry for the short deadline)
As he's about to leave for climates new, CH takes this opportunity to judge another round.

Why is cryptography like a 28-gun frigate?
The more rounds used, the more likely you are to defeat the enemy. Obvious when used, but hard to get past.  Faster than it used to be, but sometimes still not fast enough.  --DouglasReay
AlexChurchill would draw Douglas' (and Rachael's) attention to the previous round Chris judged, where he said ChrisHowlett is happy to accept posted entries - requests that people limit themselves to only one entry. If someone has submitted more than 1, could they choose their favourite and delete the rest, please? I think this needs ensconsing in the rules at the top of the page.
DouglasReay would reply that he did only make one entry (edit), but agrees clarification is always a good idea.
Can we put it to a vote?
Because Stephen Maturin takes considerable time to understand the language used in either... --StuartFraser
"You sunk my battleship!"  --Vitenka
Both can be used in a plan to takeover the world, but both will be broken in the nick of time by a well dressed british agent. --Steve
Because it's good to know the seas are safer (Caesar cipher). And because one has seven fours and the other has semaphore. And because neither is much use if your enemies have possession of the quay. --Rachael (if Douglas can enter three times so can I)
CategoryAwfulPun, CategoryAwfullerPun? and, yes, CategoryAwfullestPun.  I think we should close the round quickly, before the groaning sinks me.  --Vitenka
Because both are supposedly effective prevention against certain "undesirable" exports. --AlexChurchill
Or rather more to the point, because the US seeks to prevent the export of both without federal consent. --PeterTaylor
They're both useless without the key --Edith
One lets you tell your friends what's up, the other tells your enemies what's going down --Naath
Neither works well [when] [run] on MS Windows - CorkScrew the PseudoCompsci?
Both a necessary when dealing with any notes written by a doctor ;) -- Whistway

While noting in passing that StuartFraser identified the source of the frigate (although I reckon Maturin is quite quick at decipherment, and may never get the hang of frigate-language) I think the decision here has to go to Rachael, for her CategoryAwfulPun and CategoryAwfullestPun. Honourable mentions to Douglas for a string of double meanings and Steve for sheer quality.

Point to Rachael. Would you care for (1,2,-1)?

Round 10: Judge - Edith

(Submissions by 23:00 on Tuesday 28th please)

Let's turn this one around shall we?
Keep it clean and non-offensive!
Why are men like internet connections?

Because both are more likely to crash?macloud
Neither is necessary, both are fun. -- Naath
They're very useful when you can get them to work, and very frustrating when they refuse to communicate. - MoonShadow
A sign in the street outside your house reading "Men at Work" indicates that neither will be. --qqzm
Both are often unreliable. --Steve

For a long time Naath was in the lead, simply because I can imagine her bursting out with that in public. However qqzm wins by a nose. --Edith
Point to qqzm

Round 9: Judge - Kazuhiko

(Submissions by 23:00 on Thursday 23rd please)
Why is The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy like a tube of toothpaste?
Both are invaluable traveling companions along with a towel. --Steve
Both are necessary for Dent-al preservation. --Rachael
42 --Edith
Both become slightly less efficient if squeezed hard enough from the middle. --Requiem
The contents of both were at one point handed down from father to son as part of their oral tradition. --PeterTaylor, with a nod to TomLehrer on gargling.
Because in both cases leaving 10 years before use is an indication of rot --DR
Because both have a large number of strange ingredients --Susan?

Honourable mention goes to Susan but the point has to go to Rachael for her artistic Dent-istry...
Point to Rachael

Round 8: Judge - The collective vote of GamesEvening

Avast there me Wikizens, answer smartly now (before 20:30 Tuesday 21st)
Why be it that SelfReferentiality? is like a Pirate?
Arrr. --PeterTaylor
Arrr. Requiem would like to answer, but he be only a supporting character. Me hearties.
SelfReferentiality? breaks the fourth wall to rob the plot of its riches. The pirate then breaks the other three walls and nicks what's left. Arr, matey. - MoonShadow. (1 vote)
Ahoy!  X marks the spot where I buried me treasure map, me hearties!  --Vitenka (1 vote)
A pirate be I! --K (Arrr)  (2 vote)
For ye can trace endless circles round an' round on the Sea of Possibility. --AC

Because both can be effectively represented by drawing a circle, which symbolises SelfReferentiality?, and demonstrates the π rate. --Rachael (1 vote)
If ye be a pirate, then "u robber us" (uroboros) --qqzm (1 vote)
For one can be involved in a 'linguistic paradox', Whilst the other is involved in 'linguist Parrot-talks' --Whistway (1 vote)
[Arrr.] --Edith (vote)
The former can cause the incompleteness of maths; the latter can cause an incompleteness of masts --ChrisHowlett, who notes that this needs a northern accent to even vaguely work (1 vote)

And after an obviously close contest, we do end up with a clear winner: Kazuhiko!
Point (of the cutlass) to Kazuhiko

Round 7: Judge - Rachael

(Submissions by 23:00 on Saturday 18th please)

Why is ToothyWiki like a pack of cards?

Too(two) many jokers in both.  --Vitenka
Once you have it available you can pass an unlimited amount of time with it, particularly if you know the ways involving some tricks. --AlexChurchill
(Assuming the pack of cards is shuffled) both contain significant quantities of randomness. --Admiral
As users of both are often found not to be 'playing with a full deck' --Whistway
Edith folds.
(PeterTaylor) One can use either to play Snap (or "Me too" as it might be termed in the wiki context).
Games involving either appear to outsiders to be both arcane and very strange; though one is true, the other is not. --Requiem
Both can be used to fortell the future, and both are full of Fools, Magicians, Lovers and Hermits, ruled over by the Sun and the Moon. --DouglasReay (who wonders if creating a ToothyTarot page to map each card to a particular wiki page would be a good or bad idea)

I was this close to awarding it to Requiem because the ambiguity appealed to me, but DouglasReay's answer is impressively multifaceted and won me over in the last ten seconds.

Round 7: Judge - qqzm

(Submissions by 23:00 on Wednesday 15th please)

Keep it clean and non-offensive!
Why are women like internet connections?
Because both are too precious to risk offending by taking part in this round --Edith
Because RunAndHide.  --Vitenka
Both can be very, very scary at times. - MoonShadow
Men who have access to one feel more successful than men who do not. Men who do not have access to one claim they do not need one, yet spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to obtain said access. --Requiem
David Beckham has one at home and one at work. --Rachael (Is that clean and non-offensive? If not I'll go for Because men would be lost without them.)
[...] know [...] and [...] when always available. --DR who has been careful to mention nothing about using the [...] utility to find whether they are liable to go [...].
It's not possible to live for any length of time without at least one of the two. --Steve
Both are a source of endless surprise, delight, variety, and occasionally frustration. --AlexChurchill (wondering like the other entrants whether it's possible to enter this in any way at all that's not offensive to somebody :) )

For a while there I was going to hand it to Edith, but I think Steve takes it by a nose.

Round 6: Judge - Pallando

(Submissions by 23:00 on Sunday 12th please)

Why is a Raven like a Writing Desk?
I haven't the slightest idea.  --Vitenka
Argh, I can't remember who it was who answered this with "Because Poe wrote on both." Nor can I think of an original answer myself. But I have another four days... --Rachael
Neither are good to sleep on. --Steve
Both get mentions in Alice in Wonderland. - MoonShadow
Both bode quite ill for one's chances of happiness in the immediate future. --Admiral (although I was tempted to re-use my last answer)
One cries Nevermore in the night, the other is a store used to write - CorkScrew (who has just located [RhymeZone])
Because its quills fill both eye and spirit of an author with blackness. --AlexChurchill
Both make an effective improvised weapon when engaging a sea-monster in hand-to-hand combat. --Edith

This was of course the classic one from Lewis Carroll, who in the book answered it "I haven't the slightest idea" and later gave the answer "Because it can produce a few notes, tho they are very flat; and it is nevar [sic] put with the wrong end in front".  Later, in 1914, Sam Loyd gave the answer "Because Poe wrote on both.".  Other have suggested "Both have inky quills." and "one is a rest for pens, the other is a pest for wrens".  Flaps and Stephen King also occasionally feature.

Point to AlexChurchill (Everybody points to AlexChurchill)

Round 5: Judge - MoonShadow

Well, while waiting for the verdict on Round 4, have a go at this one.. (Submissions by 23:00 on Wednesday 8th please)
Why is a JellyBaby like a FluxCapacitor?

Point of order - isn't a FluxCapacitor less mundane than a JellyBaby? --DR

A JellyBaby could be used to generate power in an emergency, whereas a FluxCapacitor receives emergency power. -- [a rather creatively drained] Requiem
Both are required for successful time travel --K

Both are worth dedicating your life to the acquisition of. --AlexChurchill
Both were first imagined when their inventor fell over and hit his head on a toilet. --qqzm
Neither correctly obay the laws of physics. --Steve
Both can be ordered online if you can find the secret hidden web page. <grins mysteriously to self> --Rachael
Both require an input of 1.21 gigawatts of electricity for proper operation --Edith
One Dr. offered a FluxCapacitor to a McFly? while the other Dr. offered a JellyBaby to a MonsterFly? --Pallando
There is no logical scientific reasoning for the existence of either. --Admiral

Well, IMO for a long time there Kazuhiko was tied first with AlexChurchill, but I feel that Admiral's suggestion tops them both by virtue of being more intuitively true ;) Point to Admiral - MoonShadow

Round 4: Judge - PeterTaylor

Since I was beaten on the EditConflict last time, I'll get in between Alex's deadline expiring and his decision being published...
Why is a rewritable CD like a katana? Submissions by 22:30 on Friday 3rd, if you please. (NB I considered Viennese waltz and New Labour but felt it was too easy).

Because one cuts tracks while the other tracks cuts --Pallando
Wise man, he say: Write once, read many. --Requiem (I know it doesn't quite work. But still.)
Because Both are shiny --Steve
Both divide the object of their usage into sectors - CorkScrew
A good SysAdmin will happily use either to wreak havoc --Edith
One the laser head reads and writes, the other's razor edge makes heads bleed in fights. -- Xarak
If Japanese businessmen can't use the one effectively, they are required to use the other. --AlexChurchill (who also considered "The use of both involves elegant laser-precise incisions")
They can both be used more than once.  {mad grin} --Jumlian

Ay, perdon. I should have judged this last Friday. "Shiny" was my initial thought, but I'm afraid, Steve, that Edith's explanation trumps it. Point to Edith.

Round 3: Judge - AlexChurchill

Congrats to Peter. My entry would have been like Chris or Corkscrew's; but I hadn't got it figured out before I left. Now, for my round, plumbing the extremes of mundanity in each direction, I ask you: Why is mathematics like a chair?

Because its ex cathedra contribution to a given debate is often followed by respectful silence. --Requiem
Because being hit over the head with it hurts. --PeterTaylor
Because spending a prolonged amount of time in either without breaks can cause severe health problems --Gwyntar
Because there is an ach in each. --RB
Because spending a long time at each often results in an unwanted nap --Steve
Mathematics gives fundamental support to physics, and a chair gives physical support to the fundament. --Rachael
I'm not even going to try to compete with that... - CorkScrew|Awed

Because neither lets you lie. --DR
Neither should be bought at Ikea --Edith
You ever have that feeling when you're tipping back in a chair, balancing on the hind two legs, and suddenly you realise you've tipped too far and you aren't gonna be able to stop, except then you catch yourself again? That's what maths is like. - MoonShadow

Entries here or to my email (address on my homepage). Deadline: 22:30 BST on Wednesday 2nd September.

And the judgment: wow, good entries, all. Aren't Requiem's and Peter's the same thing? A magnificent eleventh-hour entry from MoonShadow - as a MathMo I do like that - but the award goes to Rachael for that magnificently conceived play-on-words. I'm glad that CorkScrew and SunKitten agree it's excellent so I don't get accused of favouritism :)
Point to Rachael. (Everyone transfers zero-dimensional objects to Rachael)
Except those who know the distinction between a singular and a plural. (PeterTaylor expected Douglas' to win - fortunately no-one was around to hear him groan on reading it).

Round 2: Judge - Edith

Well, I'll be away for the bank holiday weekend so private updates are likely to be irregular but I'm happy to judge this round. Private entries to edith at cantab dot net or just put it below if you're feeling lazy. Deadline: 22:30 BST on Monday 30th August.

Why is bricklaying like a family reunion?

Both are likely to result in the building of bridges or walls. --ChrisHowlett
Both involve fat middle-aged men with low waistbands. --Steve 
Both consist largely of sitting around chatting over a cup of tea. --PeterTaylor
Both are supposed to cement matters but may end up with much weight being thrown around - CorkScrew

Edith judges. Hmmm... Now I've just come back from a family reunion and I'll be bricklaying tomorrow. And PeterTaylor has it. A more true statement was rarely said. Although we tend to drink coffee at work. Steve gets an honourable mention for another basic truth, but the tea is more important.

Point to PeterTaylor (Everybody points to PeterTaylor)

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